I guess these have been the worst years of my life so far. All the old tricks that used to keep me going no longer work. I feel detached and removed from almost everything but I still believe that I can get my life back on track.
"Perhaps it's done already, perhaps they have said me already, perhaps they have carried me to the threshold of my story, before the door that opens on my story, that would surprise me, if it opens, it will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on."
The picture of me above is from when I used to be in a band. Probably the best time of my life. We recorded an EP in Sydney. I woke up each day and did something I love with a group of like-minded people. I was in a very loving long term relationship. We all moved to Melbourne and things were still okay for a while. The band broke up soon after but I continued studying at Uni over there. Things weren't perfect but I didn't feel alone. After spending two years there I came back to Perth with absolutely nothing, running home to Ma. This doesn't feel like home anymore. I lost the people I love and for all my flaws and mistakes, it wasn't my fault.
Here's the trouble I have with talking about myself. You pick out certain events in the past and the future and you change your story to suit them. We look back and think we are making sense of things but so often we are just imposing sense.
I know this is the wrong place to be honest. I don't care. I above all want to feel connected to something again. I interact poorly with this environment.
Despite this lament, I do feel like I have a lot to offer if I met the right person. I am caring, gentle, willing to commit. I want to experience love again.
Also, I do have a sense of humour and it is often what keeps me going.