Okay, my profile's all set. Took me a while cause I was so particular about using the exact words that best reflected my thoughts and proofreading for spelling errors a dozen times. It's Facebook all over again. Except it's the tone's more mature here. But just as politically rogue.

So I mailed a half dozen cuties or so. Half of them replied in one form or another. To those ladies I say thank you. Very much. :) I thought my geeky self would fare much worse, but I shot a cartridge worth of ammo in the most random of fashions like a 10 year old trigger happy American kid (I say American not because I'm one; it's a figure of speech) and HALF of them actually hit something.

Here's the catch. Some got scared off, or approached me ever so cautiously. I'm sighing AND laughing at the same time. I don't know how to feel, probably because I can't decide if that's normal, or if it's desirable. But I do know these not-so-certain possible friends could use a little extra information to better understand me, especially of my views on relationships. 

I do not buy into the excesses of the tales of love. Love at first sight, the one true love, made for each other, et cetera. But I do believe in people, and in relationships. Both are structures which require building. Kings are not mandated, castles don't drop from the sky. They take time and effort to nurture, to eventually one day, take the role and the form desired. And when they have matured into that desirable state, they require maintenance. I think of my girlfriends and the relationship I share with them along these lines.

I don't EVER do what people say I should, ESPECIALLY where love is concerned. Love is a destination, one which is undeniably uniquely unique because it is about two unique people. So unless you and your partner are identical to that random advisor and his/her partner respectively, there is no way what worked for them would work for you in the same fashion, no one can say for certain it will work at all.

Everytime I have a girlfriend, the first thing I do is try to figure out what she wants from me, and what she expects of me. Then I try to fulfill those roles. I'm more of a giver than a taker. That really is an extension of chauvinism more than anything else. I've not dated someone who's my equal, and that is what I hope for ultimately; because I have many faultlines, and I believe I need her to nudge me right when I unwittingly fall into a crevice resulting from those faultlines, instead of complying and submitting without thought and falling in with me.

When I date, I play for keeps. I've not dated for the sake of sex, or filling in the blanks, or passing the time. Though, I don't rule out the possibly of dating for sex, though that's fantastically mind boggling, radical. And yes, sex is an integral part of dating to me. Pass that casual stage, and into the intimate stage, but not necessarily into the subsequent trusting stage, I tend to make my move. I think sex is a way you show you love someone. On that note, I've heard the line "If you don't have sex with me you don't really love me" millions of times. And seen girls disgusted and/or disgruntled by it equally as often. My reaction to it is, "Well ain't that so?" However, I think a guy should NEVER say that, simply because my viewpoint on sex is only as relevant and correct as her viewpoint on the same matter. And regardless if I get laid or not, saying that puts negative pressure on an unwilling girlfriend. And that's just whacked. Guys who do that are pathetic, and sad. If I love her and I want to have sex with a girlfriend, I will go about it with the love I have for her in mind, because that's all I really need I think. I don't need to make threats or ultimatums, I just need to make her WANT it. :) And yes I do think I'm fairly convincing, and persuasive.

What about the marriage card? I don't believe in a god, which is often the reason behind the need for marriage, and I don't believe in marriage itself. Marriage doesn't change a thing, it doesn't reduce the aptness at which a relationship will last, or hold. Marriage is dinosaur stuff, it's a relic. But should that special someone actually turn out to be a cavewoman from the period when dinosaurs roamed the earth who perceive that relic as highly relevant, or necessary, I most certainly will oblige her. What if she's religious? I'm less nonchalant in this regard. I made a conscientious effort to understand the world as it truly is and fired God for being a fake, it would be a laughable irony if my kids were to be imposed with a religion at their birth. I think if she and I could agree to allow the children to blossom and decide for themselves, we got ourselves a winner. I could accept my children embracing religion by their own free will and choice, but not them being conditioned, brainwashed, or have their logic violently mutilated with imaginary history and untruth.

A love relationship, above and before everything else you can imagine, is friendship fortified with exceptional sexual feelings and trust, taken to a higher level. That higher level is relatively more euphoric and exhilarating. But a fall from that greater height is also more hurtful, and the hurt is more likely to be long term. But it's one of the more challenging games in life, and it gives meaning to life itself. Win or lose, being in love beats passively sitting by a bridge with a bottle of vodka.

Thanks for reading. :)

Today's the first day I started using this site. I've been looking around for a free dating site for a while now. I found a couple, but all turned out to be marketing scams; they were more like "trials" and severely restricted interaction, and therefore function, post a given period unless you became a member. So I stopped for a while and did things. Then it occurred to me a gazillion other people must have had the same difficulty I did, and SOMEONE had to know that. That certain someone could pretty much make use of this pool of single individuals to browse through adverts. Means set up a dating site maintained by advert fees.

I started looking again. I googled. The ones with high hits were popular alright, but the pool of Singaporeans were pathetic, if existent at all. Then I stumbled upon this site. It's awesome. It had numbers, and what made it good enough, was the fact that it had variety. There were girls who were like me, and girls I thought I could like.

I am, by many measures, a enigma from where I come from, I don't fit into society's many tags and expectations. I'm supposedly a Malay, whatever that means these days. My IC reads Javanese though. But I can't speak Malay so good (on par with Chinese). I love grammar, and grew up being taught by all my great teachers to speak and write "proper English". People say I have an accent. I don't know about that but I do know it may mean more than I can imagine or less than nothing. I'm thinking the latter.

So why a dating site at all? Well.. why not? I AM looking for that special someone, read that literally. She's got to not just appear special to me but really stand out. I have lots of girlfriends but they're conservative, predictable, and passive. I'm looking for someone who loves aggressively, who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get it. It takes nothing short of an open honest heart to truly understand me, and the things I do, and the meaning behind my words and my laughter.

I get stares when I reply that I don't see an issue dating someone taller than me, or who earns more than I do. As much as most can't understand me, I can't understand why you would place limits on a person you so chose to love unconditionally. I'm almost bursting at the seams with that said unconditional love; I had a girlfriend in secondary school I would give my life to and I've known what it means to love someone with everything you got since very young. A tragedy took place and we broke up and grew apart after 5 years together.. - I don't know which happened first and which followed - yet deep in my heart she remains very much a part of me. She gave me a lot to think about, like how I'm (apparently) not "Malay enough". She helped me grow and I will always love her for it, and for all the hurt I did to her I hoped I helped her grow too. And I hope to find a girl I could love more than I ever did, and who would love me more than I ever have been in our journey of life and learning.

Thanks for reading. :)