Who. the. Fuck. Cares.

8. Unless you're playing Guitar Hero, don't post that photo of you playing your guitar, especially if your eyes are closed (because you're really into it) and you're softly strumming.

That kind of stuff makes me vomit.

It's just so banal. And does it really attract women? I suppose it does. The vapid and dull ones. If that's your cuppa tea, go ahead and post that photo. Then you can make babies with trite and bland women.

Do you think that I'll regard you as some sort of sensitive soul because you play an instrument? Do you think I'm stupid? I played violin and I'm one of the more callous people I know.

Just don't bother me. 'Cos you sorta look like a douche.

Guitar douche! (I'm trying very hard not to air guitar right here.)

Disclaimer: This will not work for all females, obviously. I am giving my opinion, not fact. But, deep down I know I'm right.

I've been on OkCupid since 2004 and was also on its predecessor, Spark Match, in 2001. In the world of online dating, this makes me technically and scientifically older than God, so please let me give you guys some advice.


Shirtless Photos are Lame
1. Posting photos of your pectorals/abs/penis (or pony keg) does not make an enticing photo make. Even if you have a nice body.

Smile, Stupid
2. Smile in your damn pictures. No, frowning/glaring does not make you tough or more manly. Stop that machismo bullshit.

At Least -Pretend- to Care
3. Make some effort at a real message of interest. I know a lot of you think this is a numbers game (it probably is), but sending a hideously brief message saying "high, i thnk ur hella fine/cute/hawt/sexy, gurl" will probably not invoke a response (unless she's desperate and/or has low self-esteem).

Comprehension is Key
4. On that note, read her fucking profile. Most people have very little to say anyway (not me, sorry), so it's not a lot of effort on your part. It can be quite apparent when a guy just looks at your photos and doesn't bother reading what you have to say.

I Will Fucking Kill You
5. Don't send a follow-up message if I have not written you back. Either you were obviously lame (see #3), or I am really busy and haven't had time to reply yet.

I don't want to read those sad, sophomoric, self-deprecating wails of "You don't like me! Just give me a chance! I'm totally cool, really!" It's too late; I've seen how needy you are and I don't have time for that sort of personal mediocrity.

Also: Don't send a third message, thinking we're buds now because I wrote back to you stating that I -hate- it when people send the follow-up message. This is not an open door/window, idiot. I'm telling you that you have pissed me off.

Don't Be Creepy
6. Obvious, one would think, but apparently not. Telling me about your kinks/hot tub/supposedly mega-dick makes me want to take a hot shower, cry, and scrub my skin. Then repeat.

When I write, "Sorry, not interested" I'm trying to be decent, honest, and polite. This is not an invitation to allude to the fact that you'd like to tie me up with ropes. Thanks.

Insulting Me Doesn't Make Me Want to Talk to You
7. Calling me a bitch, or saying that you think other people must incontestably think I'm a bitch but you don't think I am, doesn't really make me warm and fuzzy inside. It definitely does not make my loins quiver.

Alternatively, if you find me bitchy and don't want to talk to me, this is ok. This is fine. Embrace your love for the women who lack standards.
***
My friend, ZQXJK, thinks I shouldn't be giving these tips, because the lame boys that break them will know not to break them, and thereby hide their lameness.

I am going to ignore his probably very valid point and edit this post as more guys make social fumbles and gaffes in my general direction.