If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down.

I have pink eye and my foot's asleep. I collect ointment. I have matching silverware for the plate in my head. I think I can fly. I have a great big rash that will not go away. It's shaped like Pennsylvania.

Hmmm, mostly commute, work, eat, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat.

repelling members of the opposite sex who interest me and attracting the seriously-damaged ones.

I'm really not sure.

Books: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Complete Idiot, Breathing for Dummies, Ventriloquism for Dummies, and pretty much anything by Edgar Allan Poe.

Favorite movies are mostly comedies like Monty Python's Meaning of Life, The Kentucky Fried Movie, Airplane, Office Space, and Young Frankenstein.

I love most kinds of music other than metal, rap, hip-hop, classical vocal, and what passes for R&B these days. My music collection covers everything from ABBA to Frank Zappa. I tend to listen to a lot of Jimmy Buffett, Electric Light Orchestra, Elvis Costello, Marshall Crenshaw, Nick Lowe, The Jam, Eve 6, Simple Plan, Green Day, Bowling for Soup, SR-71, Good Charlotte, Vertical Horizon, and Sum 41. I also love Nina Gordon's music, but dislike Veruca Salt. When it comes to country music, I like Blackhawk, Mary-Chapin Carpenter, Casey Chambers, Lucinda Williams, Suzy Bogguss, Hal Ketchum, old Toby Keith before he became an asshole, Faith Hill, Trisha Yearwood, Shania Twain, Garth Brooks, Sugarland, George Ducas, and Radney Foster. For Jazz, I like Glenn Miller, Dave Koz, David Sanborn, and Kenny G.

I watch a lot of television, but I'm trying to cut back. I've become very picky about watching any new shows. Current faves include Big Bang Theory, 2 Broke Girls, Whitney, Fringe, Castle, SVU, Family Guy, Burn Notice, and Covert Affairs, though I do watch many others. I get most of my news from The Daily Show. When it comes to reality shows, I only watch Survivor and Big Brother. I'm actually trying to figure out how to win those games since they are really a model of office politics.

I like most kinds of food, and I'm willing to at least try almost anything I've never had before. I love good Thai food and Indian food. I'm not a huge fan of fish or seafood, though I will eat shrimp on occasion. Typically, when I eat fish, it is canned tuna, though I kind of like halibut, mahi mahi, and catfish.

Air, water, food, clothing, shelter, a computer with an Internet connection

Okay, there are a bunch of questions that keep me awake at night. If nothing sticks to teflon, how does teflon stick to the pan? If 7-11 never closes, why are there locks on the doors? Can an orphan eat in a family restaurant? Is it okay for vegetarians to eat animal crackers? Given how much lint accumulates in your dryer lint trap, if you dried your clothes long enough, would they just disappear? If crime doesn't pay, does that mean my job is a crime? What is the right thing to do if one sees an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Can fat people skinny-dip? If a person with multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation? Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? If ignorance is bliss, why are there so many unhappy people? If oranges taste like chicken, why are tomatoes blue? Think about it.

probably working or sleeping. Right now, I work weekends, and I work rotating shifts that change every three months so I'm either going to bed early so I can be at work by 6:00 am, or I'm actually at work on either swing or graveyard shift.

I have this fantasy that my partner and I are naked except we're wearing sailor hats. We get into a hot tub filled with Pepto-Bismol. She then shaves my buttocks, and I clip her toe nails.

you meet the above criteria, have a pulse, don't use tobacco or recreational drugs, and think we have enough in common. If you're incredibly religious or a right-wing nutjob, we won't be a good match. If you have no photo, I'm probably not interested. Our first meeting isn't the time for me to find out you look like a Picasso painting.