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UselessFatass

19 M Orlando, FL

My Details

Last Online
Feb 6
Orientation
Straight
Ethnicity
White
Height
5′ 10″ (1.78m)
Body Type
Overweight
Diet
Mostly anything
Smokes
Trying to quit
Drinks
Rarely
Drugs
Often
Religion
Atheism
Sign
Virgo, but it doesn’t matter
Education
Dropped out of university
Job
Sales / Marketing
Income
Rather not say
Relationship Status
Single
Relationship Type
Offspring
Pets
Has dogs
Speaks
English (Fluently), Chinese (Okay)

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My self-summary
I'm Evan, a paranoid insomniac with the hope of one day returning to school. I'm remarkably average.

I like rat kings, conspiracy theories, and recordings of sad 911 calls.
You can also pay me to perform weddings and funerals. And baptisms.
What I’m doing with my life
I've recently relocated to Orlando to look for a new job and to take classes at a local college. I would love to write full time or go to mortuary school.

I'm also an ordained priest through the Church of the Latter Day Dude, as well as an ordained minister through the Universal Life Church.
Aspiring shaman, ayahuasquero, and psychonaut. I'm a gringo spirit guide.
Amateur homebrewer.
Dermatophagist.
Waiting till I turn 25 for the trust fund to kick in.
I’m really good at
Writing sonnets
Drinking until it all goes away
Enforcing the patriarchy and quashing feminism
Words With Friends
Growing beards and making mead
Using wild plants to go to the moon and back
I can kinda speak Mandarin
Wikipediaing serial killers at 3:04 in the morning
Rolling doobies
Bowling, driving around, the occasional acid flashback
Mario Kart Double Dash
The first things people usually notice about me
Some type of beardly activity on my face
Or being fat.
Or my $6,000 Breitling wristwatch
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Breakfast of Champions, Naked Lunch, the original Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne (don't hate), Candide, Trainspotting, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Anything Huxley, Tolkien, Kafka, Shakespeare, Vonnegut or Dickens. Oh, and anything by Irvine Welsh.
I sure as hell wouldn't mind if every single copy of The Catcher in the Rye was burned.
Bone by Jeff Smith<3

The Big Lebowski, Trainspotting, This Is England, Vile, The Goodfellas, The Intouchables, In Bruges, The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Tokyo Godfathers, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Fargo, Mulan, House of 1,000 Corpses, The Devil's Rejects, Spirited Away, Four Lions

Sherlock, Black Books, Bones, Vikings, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Inbetweeners UK, Spy, 1000 Ways to Die, Seinfeld, Misfits, Metalocalypse, Dual Survival, Peep Show

Creedence Clearwater Revival, Carach Angren, Coldworld, Pendulum, Dethklok, Eluveitie, Burzum, Glitch Mob, Amon Amarth, Svartsot, Lil' B, K-391, Pink Floyd, Jefferson Airplane, The Mamas and The Papas, Jimi Hendrix, The Who, Neil Young, Neon Indian, Brothertiger, Washed Out, The Flashbulb, Ratatat, STS9, Rob Zombie, pre-High End of Low Marilyn Manson, Shpongle, Iggy Pop, Baths
Whom the Moon a Nightsong Sings

Milksteak boiled over hard with a side of raw jelly beans

I can cook pretty well in general, actually.
The six things I could never do without
Air conditioning
Reading
Laughing at things that shouldn't be laughed at
Publix subs
Ethnobotanicals
Clean socks
I spend a lot of time thinking about
How to tweak my ayahuasca recipe.

Vikings season 2
On a typical Friday night I am
Arguing with strangers on the Internet or shampooing and conditioning my beard.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm Uncle Rush Limbaugh's neighbor.

I also own over 500k shares in an emerging small-arms manufacturing company and a Virginia-based wiretapping company. That's right bitch, call me lord of war.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 18–99
  • Located anywhere
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
You should message me if
You're attracted to failure and disappointment.

You need a sugar daddy.

You want to give me road head in a $200,000 car/join the mile high club in my private jet/why not both

Don't message me if your favorite book is The Catcher in the Rye.