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30 M Halethorpe, MD

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 8:03pm
5′ 7″ (1.70m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Agnosticism, but not too serious about it
Aries, but it doesn’t matter
Working on two-year college
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Mostly monogamous
Doesn’t have kids, but might want them
Likes dogs
English (Fluently)

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I'm a turd, but the good kind. And I'm looking for that special piece of corn cellulose to spend my days with.

Too gross, too soon?
You're like: "What's wrong with that guy, talking about corn and turds? *BLOCKED*"
Me: "NOOOOOOooo...."

I find it difficult to find that balance of being 100% yourself on here. Saying just enough to paint a good picture, but still being "mysterious" (whatever that means.) I want to be too honest and say, "I eat like shit," but apparently ladies don't need to know that right off the bat. I should sugar coat it with things like, "I like cheesesteaks with extra cheese and bacon chili cheese fries and a glass of mountain dew."

I need to take it down a notch, but it's hard. I usually tip the scale one way or the other. With self-deprecating humor, it seems like I have no confidence, which isn't true. Or sometimes I go too far the other way being a narcissistic douche and that's not true either.

But I am a decent human. Sometimes sarcastic, but mostly a genuine, caring person. If you can get past poop jokes or bad grandpa puns, you'll see that. I understand people have flaws and can look past them.

However, I don't like to be serious. The world is filled with serious business, too much of it in fact. I understand there is a time and place for humor and a time to be an adult and proper, but that's boring. But I can deal with it for a few hours a day- work mode. However, when that time is over, I'm breaking back out the inappropriate.

But these are just words on the internet from a stranger. I could be making all this up. You'll never know the truth until you meet me.

I not super into sports. I listen to 105.7 the fan to catch up on sports so I can hold a conversation, but I'm not a diehard sports person. I do like mixed martial arts though. I follow UFC on the regular.

I like video games. My computer is worth more than my car. But I'd rather be doing something else, exploring the world or hanging with friends. But to kill time I'll play. PC games and mods are where it's at. I have some free steam codes for some games if anyone wants them.

I'm a talkative, happy drunk.

My parents are still together after 30+ years, so I come from a drama-free happy background.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I work at a law firm in Columbia, MD as the records clerk. On the slow track to legal assistant. I love my job. It's easy and everyone I work with is really great. It's a great place. We have cake every month to prove it.

I still trying grow as a person. Sometimes I think I'm perfect. Then 6 months later, I want to go back in time and beat up my past self for being a dick.

I like to come home from work and nap sometimes. It's easier to do when single. Then I stay up late and fart around on the computer. I listen to Opie & Jim/ Anthony Cumia Show and go to the same websites. Eventually I pass out. Then I roll out of bed looking like crap in the morning, waiting for the caffeine to kick in. Rinse and Repeat. Very routine. I try not to do that when in a relationship though.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Making inappropriate jokes or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Sometimes it's a tone, but I think it's hilarious.

Holding in my farts all day at work. Sometimes it's an uphill battle.

I'm a good listener. I try and not turn the conversation around and make it about me. I do like to interject a dumb joke though.

Giving gifts. I pay attention to the little things in conversations and bookmark them when no one is looking. I'm specific and read reviews and get the best item. Then when they asked about what I got, I lie and say something else. Then they're all disappointed until they open it and BLAM, it's what they wanted after all. Or I just give random, surprise gifts.

I like to cuddle. I show affection with physical contact. I'll even brush your hair while we watch tv.

I like to write funny bum songs. Made a lot with my friend Mike.

I have a power wit. It's a six-sense. Even before you say something, I'll have a witty response waiting.

I'm good at random trivia. Occasionally dropping some pointless hanna-barbera cartoon knowledge out of nowhere... el... KABONG!!

I'm bad at wrapping gifts. I hate dusting. I hate folding my clothes after they come out of the dryer, so then they're wrinkled.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
My glasses and big ears.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Movies: American Psycho, Dark City, The Matrix, Team America, Cabin in the Woods, Terminator 2, Suspect Zero, Sunshine,

Music: Metallica, Soilwork, Megadeth, Katatonia, Polkadot Cadaver, Mercyful Fate, Tool, Dog Fashion Disco, Nevermore, King Diamond, The Beatles, Ghost, Metric, Tatu, Strapping Young Lad, Scar Symmetry, Killswitch Engage, Hall & Oats, Killing Joke

TV: South Park, Family Feud, The Ultimate Fighter, UFC, Simpsons, Family Guy, Face Off, Conan, Craig Ferguson, Legit, Big Bang Theory, X-files, Just Shoot Me, Strangers with Candy, Xavier: Renegade Angel, Aqua Teen, Dexter (not the shitty end), Breaking Bad, The League, Always Sunny, reality cooking shows... that halibut is RAW!!!

Games: the Marios and the Zeldas and the Metroids, RPGs, FPS, MMOs, not RTSs. I like to buy cheap games on steam and not play them. Cheap indie games on steam.

Food: Pizza, Burgers, Chicken Parm, Grilled cheese, lo mein noodles, fruity candy, cheese crackers

Drinks: mountain dew, fruit vodka, moster rehabs, root beer, sweet tea

Books: charles bukowski, 1984, famous people's autobiographies
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
My desktop pc.
Family and friends
a bed with 2 pillows
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
The looming, inevitable death that always pops into your head when you're trying to sleep.

When the things I want to buy are going on sale.

Conspiracies and government corruption.

What's for dinner?

going on a date with the least % in match and highest % in enemy.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Sitting in front on my computer, knocking back a few shots of fruity vodka while catching up on tv shows I downloaded off the internet. Or playing a video game. Or hopefully doing something that doesn't involve me in my room.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I contribute to the pharmaceutical industry's firm grasp on society by taking SSRIs.

Also, I find it hard to pee in a public bathroom when other people are in there. My brain is, "they're listening to you." And I'm like, "shut up, brain, no they're not!" So there I am, hiding in a stall with my johnson in hand, waiting for them to leave, hoping no one else comes in. Then just as the door closes, the stream starts.
I’m looking for
  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 24–32
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You need an exercise partner.
You need to get out of your room.
You want to play co-op games.
You're a fan of delicious flavor.
You need a new roommate.
You're a hairdresser and want to cut my hair.
And if you enjoyed this poem I wrote:

Hey little girlie
on the wrong side of town
you got some perky little titties
and a booty so round
Come on get closer
let me take you all in
what a sexy little skirt
can I offer you gin?
I'm really hungry and
I need a bite to eat
let me munch that dripping pussy
use my face as a seat
Drop those yellow panties
Show my face a good time
Bounce your clit off my uvula and
It won't cost you a dime
That a girl, sit down
Let me clean up this trash
you got a tasty little pussy
with a hitler mustache
Yummy yummy yum
arch your back from the heat
Can I tickle your butt?
With my index finger treat

I'll stand you on up and
Throw your face in some trash
I'll give you 6 hairy inches
And a mystery rash
Inside this dumpster
You'll scream out for god
I'll pull my dirty johnson out for
you to swallow my wad
But I misjudged my shot
And hit you in the eye
It wasn't as planned
But at least it will dry
The end of an era
you go flag down a cab
But our memories will live on
Through a series of scabs
That poem was to weed out the uptight people...