Make an extensive, hyperlink laden profile? Bold strategy, Cotton. Lets see if it pays off.

"Hello ..and welcome to my profile" She whispered coyly, with a 'come hither' stare and a sly, gentle wink.

Here we find the ramifications of combining an out of work writer, teetering perilously on the cusp of a quarter life existential crisis, with gratuitous amounts of free time. You see, this is no mere profile. Oh no. This, my baby pumpkin angel bears, this is a goddamn adventure and I'm your mother fucking spirit guide.

If you're reading this on a cell phone you're making perhaps the worst life decision you've ever made. If you're reading this on a cell phone as you wander, aimlessly lost, in the middle of the desert; a pack of wolves stalking from the distance; your battery power briskly withering away and taking with it the last hopes of rescue; then this is unequivocally the worst life decision you've ever made. Also you might be an idiot.

Point being don't read this on a cell phone if you can help it. The hyperlinks and ASCII art won't come through. And no, you don't have to look at all the hyperlinks. It's likely a bigger time commitment than you anticipated and that's fine, I get it, but you're wrong and I hate you. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
The links will be anything from cute or relevant .GIFS, to websites, to Twitter feeds, to videos from the weird parts of YouTube. It'll be a funny, scary, thought provoking?, annoying, entertaining, wildly inappropriate, and confusing adventure.

I have a 'particular' lets call it, sense of humor. I'm an Imagurian and a Redditor and will make an insufferable amount of references to both. If neither of those ring a bell to you then about 70% of what I say is gonna be a mystery. Don't get me wrong, I'll say it with pizzazz and a'lotta heart so you'll hopefully still laugh but won't know exactly why you're laughing. It'll be great! And we'll have fun. Mysteriously hilarious fun.

The day may come when I stop quoting LOTR, Workaholics, and Firefly in everyday life ...BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY! Consequently, I pre-apologize for the inevitable conversational awkwardness. Because, let's be honest, there's gonna be a lot of it. (ಠ_ಠ)

"I'm also kinda a nerd." She said, whilst dual boxing Guild Wars 2 and World of Warcraft on two monitors. So, not the 'look at me I'm licking a Wii-Mote for a Facebook picture' nerd and more the 'No, I haven't left the room in 4 days because a new expansion is out and yes, that smell is me' nerd. I say 'casual gamer' with the same inflection as 'pigeon molester'. I actually don't play as much as I used too. Going back to school and work now takes up most of my free time. But I fit games in with old friends when I can. And although I am glad I'm moving forward and being more productive in my life I get nostalgic for the old days of staying home on a computer all day and power leveling through a new expansion with friends. Stupid adultyness.

You may or may not have guessed, but I'm a big homebody. Doesn't have to be my home necessarily, but I'd much rather have a poker night, or LAN party than go to a bar. Unless the bar has booths to sit in, and there's no loud music, or a lot of people, and it's actually a restaurant. One of the best times I've had is a LAN party with guild mates I've known for 8+ years. We're all drunk as sin, trying to run an instance in WoW, failing hilariously to run an instance in WoW, blasting A Perfect Circle songs, and yelling incoherent instructions at each other. It was fucking magical. I also enjoy making fun of terrible b-reel horror and sci-fi movies or playing board games. Except Risk. Risk ruins motherfucking lives.

I'm an information sponge. I feel possessed to get to the why of things. I want to know how everything works and why things and people are the way they are. I'll have a conversation about politics, religion, physics, or the latest Doctor Who episode. We can talk about anything or nothing at all and I'm comfortable with either or both. I will make an effort, especially with religion or politics, to never comment about things I don't know or understand. I feel it's a sign of respect to yourself and others to simply say 'I would love to speak on that, but I don't know enough to have an informed discussion' rather than talk out my ass. I attempt to always be respectful, open minded, and humble when having a serious conversation. Any other conversation however, I'm usually a sarcastic douche canoe. But a quirky, endearing douche canoe.

I can be an unsettling amount of honest sometimes. Which can come off as 'blunt' although I try and be as discerning as possible. Mostly I'm just terrible at lying. I don't have time to keep track of a bunch of nonsense. I'm absented minded and odd enough without piling on lies and strange relationship games. Not a lot of things will get me riled up but I do have a shorter fuse for people who are perpetually passive aggressive or condescending.

I've been told I'm a good banter..er. Years of being marginally funny online apparently translate to downright witty out in the real world. Except for when my brain shuts off around attractive, well spoken, funny women. Pretty much anyone I'd want to entertain or impress. So that's..fucking fantastic. One reason for writing this huge ass profile is because it's 1am and I'm awake as fuckall, but the other arguably more important reason is because I'm going to need you to remember this if we meet; cling to it like a life vest so my albatross of social fucking awkwardness won't drown us both.

Living every week like it's Shark Week

HA! but srsly.. ಠ_ರೃ

"They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time."

When I first heard that (the quote itself is from Banksy, but the saying is an old one) it struck me. It made me realize I'd been living a life of aspiration rather than actualization. It made me realize I needed to set a higher bar for myself.

To that end, I'm going back to college this year to finish my English degree. I'm learning German (my family is German and I've always wanted to know the language). I'm working on becoming a published Author. It's a process to say the least but I've moved up from 'Heavy Thinker' to 'Vigorously Struggling Writer'. I've put a lot of words on a lot of pages.
I'm also attempting to read more and stay informed on current events and politics. I've taken to listening to books on tape while working out instead of 'I'll Make a Man Out of You' from Mulan on a loop. Baby steps.

...AND SPEAKING OF WORKING OUT...

[douche bag voice]
I've also been workin out.*unsubtly stretches to show off abs* It's no big deal, it's whatever. Been stickin with it for almost a year now, though. Sooo much energy. Oh is that a spider...ooooooover there? *flexes unsubtly again while pointing* Anyway, It's all about makin it a habit. And workin out your core. Gettin all kinds'a gains.
[/douche bag voice]

I also have a political-ish blog I've been putzing around with in my spare time.

BEIN' MAHSELF! \(^-^)/

And overly filling out profiles
Like a crack addict, but with words
Sweet sweet words *eye twitch*

Is what a terrible Rugby player I'd make

Namely, because I have Cerebral Palsy
I can still walk but I do limp with my left leg, my muscles are noticeably stiff, and my balance is not fantastic.
I firmly advise against giving me a friendly push or punch or running side tackle because I'll drop like a bitch.
Hitting me is like, 5 separate hate crimes.

I've also been told my eyes are not un-pretty.

I'm gonna write a lot here because, personally, I love reading long lists of specific things people like and see if I recognize any of them. Should you not enjoy doing that then you can skim or skip this part. Makes for good ice breaking material though.

Authors: David Wong, J.K. Rowling, Christopher Moore, George R.R. Martin, R.A. Salvatore, Robert Jordan, J.R.R. Tolkien, Isaac Asimov, Amanda Hocking, Peter Clines, Jane Austen, Shel Silverstein, Douglas Adams, R.L. Stine, David Sedaris,and Augusten Burroughs

I also have an abhorrent addiction to fantasy romance that I consistently hate myself for. Some of my favorite authors of these are: J.R. Ward, Gena Showalter, Kresley Cole, and Sherrilyn Kenyon

I could go on and on with individual books. I'm a voracious reader across a wide scope of genres in both Fiction and Non Fiction. If you ever want reading suggestions you can tell me the things you enjoy and I can give you an author. True story.

Movies: Nearly any Disney or Pixar film, both Ace Venturas, ORIGIONAL Star Wars, American Psycho, Anchorman, Batman - Under the Red Hood, Before Sunrise/Sunset, Blood - The Last Vampire, both Bridget Jones, But I'm a Cheerleader, Chasing Amy, City of God, City of Lost Children, City of Ember, both Clerks, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Death at a Funeral (2007), Dodgeball, Dogma, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Evolution, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Friends with Benefits, Fur - An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus, Galaxy Quest, Garden State, both Ghostbusters, any Hayao Miyazaki film, Heavy Weights, Hesher, Hocus Pocus, Hot Fuzz, I Love You Man, Jane Eyre, John Carter, Love Actually, Mystery Men, all the Ocean films, Penelope, Pride and Prejudice, Sliding Doors, Snatch, Stardust, Step Brothers, The Big Lebowsi, The Dark Crystal, The Fountain, The Illusionist, The NeverEnding Story, The Pagemaster, The Royal Tenebaums, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Wristcutters - A Love Story, Youth In Revolt, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Zoolander

TV: Archer, Carnivale, Cowboy Bebop, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, New Girl, Teen Titans, Sherlock, Misfits, Samurai Jack, Avatar - The Last Airbender, The Legend of Korra, Firefly, Kings, Farscape, Stargate SG-1, Battlestar Galactica, Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, Game of Thrones, Arrested Development, Workaholics, Party Down, Fullmetal Alchemist (Brotherhood), Death Note, South Park, Six Feet Under, Mystery Science Theater 3k, The Venture Bros., Home Movies, Sea Lab 2021, Harvey Birdman - Attorney at Law, Community, Futurama, The X-Files, Doctor Who, Lupin the Third, Reign - The Conqueror, Family Guy, American Dad, Adventure Time, Samurai Champloo, Dragon Ball Z, Pokemon, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Newsroom, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ghost in the Shell, Elfen Lied, Whose Line is it Anyway?, Supernatural, The IT Crowd, Star Trek, Scrubs, The Adventures of Pete & Pete, Parks and Recreation, Invader ZIM, Trigun, Fringe, Psych, Bleach, Courage the Cowardly Dog, The Boondocks, Dead Like Me, Metalocalypse, Rocko's Modern Life, Doug, Gargoyles, 30 Rock, Batman Beyond, Are You Afraid of the Dark?

There's always more, but I'll stop. I also have nearly everything listed on my computer. Plus I bought a new external HD recently. THERE'S SO MUCH ROOM FOR ACTIVITIES!

Music: I'll spare you the list for this one, but I have several Spotify playlists or a Pandora station I can share if you're interested or like music swapping.

Food: I'm pretty 'meh' about food. I'll try anything once. WELL, I'll try most anything thing once. I've seen enough food from Japan to know I shouldn't make sweeping promises.

My Laptop 'Elanore'
My external HD 'Etta'
Internet
A comfy bed
A hot cup of tea in the morning
My uncompromising wit

Magnets.
How do they work?! ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

7:00PM - Start out light; catch some TV shows on Hulu while browsing Imgur

8:25PM - Log into World of Warcraft to raid

8:35PM - The drinking begins

9:40PM - Compelled to get on Skype as to better express frustration with guild mates through what can only be described as "acoustic terrorism"

12:20AM - Realize I've gotten too drunk; now want a sandwich.

12:43AM - Try to figure out how the toaster works

12:58AM - Still trying to get the toaster to work; begin seriously questioning life choices

1:04AM - Continue questioning life choices whilst eating untoasted sandwich; sobbing gently

1:16AM - Go to bathroom; catch reflection in mirror

1:18AM - Note how the spark of youth has faded from my eyes; initiate "existential crisis" phase*

*Can go on anywhere from 5 minutes to over an hour, depending on whether or not I've been watching Fringe and/or The Science Channel recently

~2:00AM - Grow weary of fickle, esoteric thoughts; look at pictures of cats on the internet

3:14AM - Pass out in bed; fully clothed

Or play a game or something. Keep it loose.

This is a haiku I wrote!

Whispers in satin
bellow from the gentle curve
unforgivable

...the haiku is about farts

I hope it didn't.....BLOW YOU AWAY
( •_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■) YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

you want to?
I'm a profile not a cop
It's also probably important you don't have an aversion to hearing me say the word "mangina" every now and then.

--------------------------
This is one of my favorite poems. It's had a significant impact on how I think, the things I prioritize, and the ways I try to conduct myself. It seemed appropriate to include it in a profile that attempts to express who I am.

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

~Rudyard Kipling

FIN