I am not interested in dating anyone over the age of 45. I am looking for a best friend and romantic partner, not a father figure.
People don’t read my profile. Therefore, I have decided to revamp this entire page. You will now be given a selection of multiple choice questions as you follow along reading.
Example: I am NOT Jewish. I am Catholic.
1.) Is the writer of this profile:
B. NOT Jewish
In this case, both B. and C. apply, but C. is the stronger choice. Good luck!
2.) I work in the education realm which basically means I am living slightly above the poverty level, sell family heirlooms on ebay and rely on my grandmom to deposit money to my savings account every two weeks. What a catch I'd make for the right self-made millionaire. :)
The writer of this profile most likely:
A. Drives a sporty BMW
B. Has access to food stamps
C. Can only buy toilet paper on sale
3.) I am available to meet you for coffee after work or feed your ridiculously needy cat while you are away on vacation with someone you met on OKC who wasn't as neurotic as me.
The writer of this profile most likely is:
A. Friendly, but a tad Needy
B. Wanting to perform oral on Batman with her Selena like abilities
C. Volunteers at an Animal Shelter
4.) There are many things I enjoy doing on dates depending on your interests. I am especially fond of nature and horseback riding. I once dated a man who talked to me about kitten fecal matter and bovine anatomy. Please be a little more exciting than him.
A good ice breaker for Vanilla_Waifer might be to ask her:
A. Lean in close and whisper, “Vanilla waif, waif, baby ... I want to talk NASDAQ with cf in the back seat of my car…”
B. Let’s go to Lake Michigan this vi I killed my ex wife there!
C. Have you read Walden, by Thoreau? I’d love to go to Walden Pond one day.
5.) I am not easily discouraged. I know the perfect man is out there. I just ask that he has the following specifications.
Must be free of schitzophrenia: It gets really dull after a while having to visit the psychiatric ward because my lover is convinced he is John Nash. I mean, sure, don't get me wrong, I need math tutoring as much as any other math phobic honors student, but I want to date someone who is not best friends with his hallucinations.
It's apparent at least 10% of Vanilla_Waifer's dates have taken place at
A.) Police stations
B.) Beaumont Hospital's "Ninth Floor"
C.) Alien Burial Grounds
D. All of the Above
6.) No extreme gamers please: my idea of fun is not watching you play Max Payne III on Xbox all weekend while I search OKC for cool guys with cats who are not as lame as you.
Vanilla_Waifer does like SOME games, which is her favorite?
A. The Sims
B. OKC Zombies Among US
C. Charlie's Angels
***No potheads: neti potheads are acceptable.***
6. Housework is part of owning a house: I lived with a man who had pink algae growing in his bathtub and a cat that peed everywhere. So, if your house or apartment looks like something I might see on Hoarders, we will not last long. If you're clinically cluttered, I'm talking mounds of unopened mail on the coffee table for over 3 months, I might have an aneurysm. This is especially true if you miss seeing your cable go shut off and you were evicted a few weeks ago ... *raises eyes skyward and hums.*
*I also will not date anyone who believes I should put an engagement ring on MY credit card and slowly pay it off by working an extra job while he brags to all his friends, "Yeah, I bought her a $3,000. ring!" Grow a real pair of balls or don't propose at all!*
To summarize, Vanilla_Waifer will not date you if you are:
A. A douche
B. A Douche
C. A Douche
D. All of the above and A DOUCHE
7. You must like kids and Dr. Seuss and know that Wally is in the washtub washing Waldo Woo: I work with a lot of young people and would like to have a little person of my own one day.
What are some skills that might make you more presentable to Vanilla_Waifer
A. You can change a diaper
B. You know all the lyrics to, "Twinkle Twinkle"
C. You have heard of The Wiggles
D. You know the third trimester doesn't have something to do with college.
E. All of the above, and you know how to use an underarm thermometer
8.) You must be goal-oriented. Please be someone who is motivated and believes in self-improvement. A life without a dream is as puzzling as Ozzy Osbourne's garbled speech.
Vanilla_Waifer uses this phrase, "A life without a dream is as puzzling as Ozzy Osbourne's garbled speech," to point out that:
A.) We should not make fun of stroke victims
B.) It's impossible to understand why someone would not want to dream for a better life.
C.) Growing pink algae in a tub is a dream come true for some people and these people should stay the hell away from me
D.) Vanilla_Waifer is just a dreamer, dreaming her life away.
9.) Be decent with finances: If you are facing bankruptcy, do not decide now is the perfect time in your life to buy a mac on my credit card. I will smack the mac on your ball sack.
It is probably best not to:
A. Buy Vanilla_Waifer a $3,000. engagement ring using her own credit card.
B.) Ask Vanilla_Waifer to pay your rent that you have been late on since 2009.
C.) Ask Vanilla_Waifer to co-sign on your car loan since you declared bankruptcy three times.
D.) All of the above
10.) Be from this century: I dated a guy who whispered in my ear: ” If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?” Please! That line only worked when Hoover was in office.
Vanilla_Waifer will probably not date:
A. Edgar Allan Poe
B. Artie Shaw
D. All of the Above
Be cerebral: I'm not talking mensa, but if you want to stimulate me physically you need to get to me through my mind.
Vanilla_Waifer is a deep thinker with twisted humor, she would love to discuss the following with you:
Circle all that apply
A.) Ants and why they crawl around -n- stuff
B.) Henry David Thoreau and Walden
C.) Emily Dickinson, was she agoraphobic or afraid of incest, dick-in-son?
D.) Nellie McKay
E.) The Care Bears, Episode 18
F.) If you mix green and yellow will you get blue?
HONORABLE MENTIONS ....
Be honest: chances are you CANNOT get Bernadette Peters to sing at our wedding. I will never again fall for that line.
Be thoughtful and empathetic: If I am bleeding from a dog bite and you have known me at least six months you should ask if I have rabies.
You MUST realize most of this was written to entertain you, however I do speak from experience. I know. Scary.