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29 M Philadelphia, PA

I’m looking for

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 21–29
  • Near me
  • Who are single
  • For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating

My Details

Last Online
Yesterday – 4:24pm
5′ 6″ (1.68m)
Body Type
Mostly anything
Christianity, but not too serious about it
Capricorn, and it’s fun to think about
Graduated from two-year college
Relationship Status
Relationship Type
Doesn’t have kids, but might want them
Likes dogs and likes cats
English, Spanish

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My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
This month has been pretty rough, I keep spending all the money I make and after taking out a loan to pay my bills I spent all the loan money on about 5000 copies of Cyborg on Blu-Ray Disc. All I want this month is someone to help me watch all 5000 copies of aforementioned classic cinema. In return I will keep you company, take your kids to soccer practice, if you don't have kids I'll rewind your entire DVD collection all the way to the beginning of each movie. Also I'll give you a copy of Cyborg. I could also repay you with several used up copies of Guns N Ammo magazine from the early 2000's. I even have the one with the rare Holographic cover where two Bald Eagles are holding twin M16's in their talons while the American Flag is waving in the background.

Now for my about me:

Having spent the first few years on my own roaming the country as a Wesley Snipes impersonator I finally decided it was time to move on with my life. After a series of escalating dares I finally got married and moved to the murder capital of the Eastern Seaboard, Thrilladelphia. Where sirens are as common as ring tones and cheeseburgers are the legal tender. While I won't go into the details of my divorce (Lets just say it's never a good idea to jump into a cage of lions while wearing a hamburger suit) I will say I have a big insurance check coming my way so lets blow it all on all you can eat buffets and signed copies of "Goosebumps" by R.L. Stein.

On the weekends you can find me bullet proofing my house, vacuuming my sidewalk, and if my neighbors are away, selling their furniture. As far as my hobbies are concerned I love drinking, driving, and gambling. Sometimes it's a mix of one of the two or all of them at once. Nothing says I'm living life to the fullest like slugging down a bottle of Jack Daniels while driving down the highway and you're playing miniature roulette while you're on your way to A.C. Other hobbies I enjoy include scuba diving in the Delaware river, attending free cable modem conventions, watching 24 hour marathons of 24 on FX, and attending VHS swap meets. You have no idea how hard it is to find a mint condition copy of Rocky IV until you've really tried. I also enjoy many many more respectable activities such as underwater sailing and maxing out other peoples credit cards. In my spare time I like to volunteer at a local soup kitchen in Center City. It’s a great way to help the needy without actually touching them. As for the nightlife I like to attend places where the doorman hands you hundred dollar bills when you walk in or you can usually tell where I am by the amount of ambulances and burning helicopters in any given area. I've come to realize my life is just like anyone else's only more interesting because I can see things that aren't really there.

I am Humorous, Hungry, and Pretty Strong
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I'm currently living in the city with my best friends and try to go out as much as I can. This may include staying up until dawn at a party in Philly or NYC, going to live comedy/music events, or just being out with friends at a local restaurant talking about the Singularity. On weekdays I usually don't mind staying in acting out my favorite movies in my living room, reading, and or doing research on my favorite subjects. Once this winter is over I can't wait to be on a boat again every other weekend that I'm not at the beach.

I'm always up to try new life experiences as long as they are exciting. Big Foot hunting from a helicopter perhaps? Base jumping off the Art Museum? Illegal shark fights? Count me in. Having been to every major city in the States and cross country trips across Canada I would like to travel to Europe at some point soon.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
Bench pressing cars, trucks, dogs you name it I can bench it. Also soothsaying. You provide the chicken bones and I'll provide you your fortune.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
When people first meet me I'm usually throwing my bank statements out the window of a black SUV while the air conditioning is on full blast. They may think I'm crazy but once they get to know me they usually tell me I'm the greatest person they've ever met.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
As far as books you can read go my favorites would involve the following words in the title. Werewolves, Robot Apocalypse, Photoshop, Space-Time, Offshore Money Havens, and Tax Evasion.

My favorite movies are Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, and Robocop.

As for my musical taste I mostly listen to movie soundtracks. Some of my favorites include the ones from the aforementioned movies as well as current favorite Hans Zimmer's Man of Steel.

Other types of music I enjoy are Techno in all of its variations, Electro, House, Indie Rock, 80's Freestyle, and much much more.

When it comes to food I only eat diamond encrusted Faberge Eggs from France.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
1. Internet II Its the sequel to the Internet only its faster and has more explosions.

2. Clothing. Without it we'd be arrested if we're anywhere near a school or movie theatre.

3. Time Travel

4. Numerous anthologies based on the life and times of Robocop. Especially his autobiography.

5. Jurassic Park

6. My skeleton. It keeps my flesh off the ground and my ghost inside my body.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
What my obituary will read. I believe it will one day say:

1985 - 2037 Christian

Many knew of the man, but few truly knew him. Those that were closest to him have been mounting a vigil over his grave following his execution hoping for the resurrection promised in his latest book, "The Bible 2 - End Game". As yet their disappointment has only manifested itself in minor grumbling, but this may well turn into a full scale riot once the extent of this false prophets lies become evident.

The details regarding Christian's involvement in mass suicides by his followers are blurry at best, but more than sufficient for the death penalty to be brought back purely for him. One former member of his religion accused the self proclaimed prophet of encouraging his followers to fly, stating that their devotion would keep them aloft, before retracting the statement saying that he was "only kidding". Up to 7 million people died in this event.

His execution, televised around the world by Fox Global on behalf of President Murdoch (long may he reign) is one of the most viewed shows on FoxTube, and has resulted in a national holiday being announced in celebration.

Christian is survived by his 4 wives and 12 children, all of whom are being held in custody for crimes against the state.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
On a typical Friday night I can be found at the casino or assorted animal racing tracks betting on an underdog. I'm a sucker for a dog or donkey named Hercules or Rocky who looks like he hasn't eaten in twelve days. After loosing about five thousand dollars worth of counterfit bills in such an endeavor I usually resort to a nice swim in the Schuylkill River where I snorkel for hours while looking for underwater cities.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
1. I for one proudly support the closing of schools, libraries, & hospitals in order to boost our police forces cache of military grade weapons.

2. When it comes to having children I plan on just cloning myself so I can raise myself as my own son. I will be the best father a son who is me could ever hope for and I will have the best son I could ever wish for.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
I’ve been dating quite a bit lately, getting back into the game after my divorce two years ago. Much of what I’m trying to do, in addition to stealing a few identities here and there, is discover what I do and don’t find attractive in a woman outside the context of my ex-wife. While I won’t bore you with a list of things that I do find attractive, I have had a few experiences that were immediate "deal breakers" while out on dates.

One woman was a 9/11 truther and spent the entire time explaining to me all the conspiracies and why this was all important. I really thought she was cute so when she asked me out again I said yes, hoping that now she’d gotten her rant out of her system we’d be able to have a normal adult conversation. Despite my constant attempts to steer the conversation in another direction she always managed to steer us back. The worst part about the whole thing was she even brought "evidence" this time. This "evidence" consisted mostly of hand drawn bar graphs and youtube videos she found on the internet. (Yes, she even brought her laptop)

This one has happened with several women I’ve dated. They have eaten like absolute vacuum cleaners, holding the fork like a shovel, cramming food into their mouths, talking with their mouths full, and in one case, eating syrup-covered pancakes with her hands. She just rolled them up like a carpet and swallowed the whole thing without a single bite. Yes it was mildly arousing at first but after five minutes of doing so, I just got up and told her I had to leave since I left my house on fire.

Another bad date I’ve had recently involved a woman who had the bright idea to bring her kids with her. The whole time we were at the gun-show her kids kept grabbing random semi-automatic pistols and pointed them at me while yelling "Die, Die, Die". To top it off when I asked her why she didn’t mention her kids before, she replied, "They aren’t my kids...I’m just watching them for my sister today since she had to get a brain transplant." Not only was she a terrible liar but two of the kids even called her Mommy a few times. Needless to say I broke it off after 5 months.

Other types of women I have blacklisted from possible dates are the chain smokers. This one happened about 2 weeks ago. While we were at the annual dog beauty pageant in Center City this girl has the nerve to light up inside the venue. Not only did we get disgusted looks from the people around us but she even blew the smoke in a contestants face as it walked by. Then as she huffed and puffed on that cig one of the sprinklers went off and soaked a third of the audience. This had to be the most embarrassing moment of my life. Yes she was attractive, but she wasn’t worth the potential cancer that would eventually steal my beautiful beautiful lungs.

One major deal breaker is the really bad kissers who approach a kiss like they have to hide your whole face in their mouth and then talking about what you want to do in the future (Mutual-Fund wise) on the first date, in the first 20 minutes. Both were the same girl. But yeah, a bad kisser is a deal breaker no matter what the other circumstances are. If you’re in your mid 20’s and still kiss like an infant, something is wrong with you. And I think she was a no-sex-before-marriage girl too. Her abstinence stand should of been quite obvious to me when I first met her. Not only did she wear a "WWJD" t-shirt but she carried a First Edition bible with her at all times. Idiot.

Lastly, a random one that popped up this weekend were the words, "So last night I stayed up doing Crystal Meth, and I NEVER do Crystal Meth!" and "Brittney Spears sings the things I think" I bet Q102 was probably one of her favorite stations too. There you have it, these are some of the dating stories I have experienced in the year two-thousand and thirteen. I leave you with a small list of other deal breakers that should be added to your lists as well.

Here are other things I will no longer tolerate from anyone im dating:

-If they have a disease that I can catch from having sex with them
-Cannibals. Common theres plenty of affordable food around why would you need to eat humans?
-Lazy eye that tends to wander into the back of their head and when it comes back into full view it’s a different color
-Spending 30 minutes on the verge of tears talking about your ex and then calling me up at 4am and asking to borrow money.
-Pro-Lifers. If an accident happens, she has to at least consider giving up the kid to baby heaven or at least an orphanage. There’s just no way they make baby-seats for speedboats these days.
- Frequently having loud conversations with "God" like he was perched on her shoulder. Not like saying "Oh Lord help me" or something, but full blown yelling and arguing with God for over an hour.
- Belief that she could contact the past through her car radio.
- Belief that some people she knew were possessed by Ghosts that were going to start the apocalypse and that she might need to "send them to God".

If you don't do any of the previous things mentioned then I think we just might hit it off.