I’ve been dating quite a bit lately, getting back into the game
after my divorce two years ago. Much of what I’m trying to do, in
addition to stealing a few identities here and there, is discover
what I do and don’t find attractive in a woman outside the context
of my ex-wife. While I won’t bore you with a list of things that I
do find attractive, I have had a few experiences that were
immediate "deal breakers" while out on dates.
One woman was a 9/11 truther and spent the entire time explaining
to me all the conspiracies and why this was all important. I really
thought she was cute so when she asked me out again I said yes,
hoping that now she’d gotten her rant out of her system we’d be
able to have a normal adult conversation. Despite my constant
attempts to steer the conversation in another direction she always
managed to steer us back. The worst part about the whole thing was
she even brought "evidence" this time. This "evidence" consisted
mostly of hand drawn bar graphs and youtube videos she found on the
internet. (Yes, she even brought her laptop)
This one has happened with several women I’ve dated. They have
eaten like absolute vacuum cleaners, holding the fork like a
shovel, cramming food into their mouths, talking with their mouths
full, and in one case, eating syrup-covered pancakes with her
hands. She just rolled them up like a carpet and swallowed the
whole thing without a single bite. Yes it was mildly arousing at
first but after five minutes of doing so, I just got up and told
her I had to leave since I left my house on fire.
Another bad date I’ve had recently involved a woman who had the
bright idea to bring her kids with her. The whole time we were at
the gun-show her kids kept grabbing random semi-automatic pistols
and pointed them at me while yelling "Die, Die, Die". To top it off
when I asked her why she didn’t mention her kids before, she
replied, "They aren’t my kids...I’m just watching them for my
sister today since she had to get a brain transplant." Not only was
she a terrible liar but two of the kids even called her Mommy a few
times. Needless to say I broke it off after 5 months.
Other types of women I have blacklisted from possible dates are the
chain smokers. This one happened about 2 weeks ago. While we were
at the annual dog beauty pageant in Center City this girl has the
nerve to light up inside the venue. Not only did we get disgusted
looks from the people around us but she even blew the smoke in a
contestants face as it walked by. Then as she huffed and puffed on
that cig one of the sprinklers went off and soaked a third of the
audience. This had to be the most embarrassing moment of my life.
Yes she was attractive, but she wasn’t worth the potential cancer
that would eventually steal my beautiful beautiful lungs.
One major deal breaker is the really bad kissers who approach a
kiss like they have to hide your whole face in their mouth and then
talking about what you want to do in the future (Mutual-Fund wise)
on the first date, in the first 20 minutes. Both were the same
girl. But yeah, a bad kisser is a deal breaker no matter what the
other circumstances are. If you’re in your mid 20’s and still kiss
like an infant, something is wrong with you. And I think she was a
no-sex-before-marriage girl too. Her abstinence stand should of
been quite obvious to me when I first met her. Not only did she
wear a "WWJD" t-shirt but she carried a First Edition bible with
her at all times. Idiot.
Lastly, a random one that popped up this weekend were the words,
"So last night I stayed up doing Crystal Meth, and I NEVER do
Crystal Meth!" and "Brittney Spears sings the things I think" I bet
Q102 was probably one of her favorite stations too. There you have
it, these are some of the dating stories I have experienced in the
year two-thousand and thirteen. I leave you with a small list of
other deal breakers that should be added to your lists as
Here are other things I will no longer tolerate from anyone im
-If they have a disease that I can catch from having sex with
-Cannibals. Common theres plenty of affordable food around why
would you need to eat humans?
-Lazy eye that tends to wander into the back of their head and when
it comes back into full view it’s a different color
-Spending 30 minutes on the verge of tears talking about your ex
and then calling me up at 4am and asking to borrow money.
-Pro-Lifers. If an accident happens, she has to at least consider
giving up the kid to baby heaven or at least an orphanage. There’s
just no way they make baby-seats for speedboats these days.
- Frequently having loud conversations with "God" like he was
perched on her shoulder. Not like saying "Oh Lord help me" or
something, but full blown yelling and arguing with God for over an
- Belief that she could contact the past through her car
- Belief that some people she knew were possessed by Ghosts that
were going to start the apocalypse and that she might need to "send
them to God".
If you don't do any of the previous things mentioned then I think
we just might hit it off.