This month has been pretty rough, I keep spending all the money I make and after taking out a loan to pay my bills I spent all the loan money on about 5000 Lebron James Rookie cards. All I want this month is someone to help me pay my 1,100 dollar rent. In return I will keep you company, take your kids to soccer practice, if you don't have kids I'll rewind your entire VHS collection all the way to the beginning of each movie, or I'll even pretend to do the roof work your house desperately needs. I could also repay you with several used up copies of Guns N Ammo magazine from the early 1990's. I even have the one with the rare Holographic cover where two Bald Eagles are holding twin M16's in their talons while the American Flag is waving in the background.

Let's keep this honest, I'm here in hopes of finding someone who will take me out on several dates which may or may not include them paying for the following: season passes to Six Flags, dinners at five star restaurants, a motorcycle with a sidecar (which coincidentally is where you will be riding) and maybe even a picnic at a car wash or two. If you feel your bank account can handle it, keep on reading. If it isn't up to par then may I suggest buying one of my Online Internet success kits. If you've ever received a message in your inbox titled, "I made $8000 in three hours!" Then you probably already have my email address.

Now for my about me:

Having spent the first few years of my life looking for lost treasures, fighting the undead, and hunting ghosts. I finally decided it was time to move on with my life. After a series of escalating dares I finally got married and moved to the murder capital of the Eastern Seaboard, Thrilladelphia. Where sirens are as common as ring tones and cheeseburgers are the legal tender. While I won't go into the details of my divorce (Lets just say it's never a good idea to jump into a cage of lions while wearing a hamburger suit) I will say I have a big insurance check coming my way so lets blow it all on all you can eat buffets and signed copies of "Goosebumps" by R.L. Stein.

On the weekends you can find me bullet proofing my house, vacuuming my sidewalk, and if my neighbors are away, selling their furniture. As far as my hobbies are concerned I love drinking, driving, and gambling. Sometimes it's a mix of one of the two or all of them at once. Nothing says I'm living life to the fullest like slugging down a bottle of Jack Daniels while driving down the highway and you're playing miniature roulette while you're on your way to A.C. Other hobbies I enjoy include scuba diving in the Delaware river, attending free cable modem conventions, watching 24 hour marathons of Quantum Leap on TBS, and attending VHS swap meets. You have no idea how hard it is to find a mint condition copy of Under Siege 2:Fire Down Below until you've really tried. I also enjoy many many more respectable activities such as underwater sailing and maxing out other peoples credit cards. In my spare time I like to volunteer at a local soup kitchen in Center City. It’s a great way to help the needy without actually touching them. As for the nightlife I like to attend places where the doorman hands you hundred dollar bills when you walk in or you can usually tell where I am by the amount of ambulances and burning helicopters in any given area. I've come to realize my life is just like anyone else's only more interesting because I can see things that aren't really there.

I am Humorous, Hungry, and Pretty Strong

Well after many months of not paying rent due to my inability to keep my money out of slot machines and my endless addiction to temporary tattoos. My roommates were finally fed up and kicked me out today. So if you'd like to reach me I'll be out begging by the Art Museum during the day and most likely sleeping under a bridge at night. If you'd also like to help me out with a bag of trash or anything else I would greatly appreciate it. If you hear of any jobs who are giving away money that would be amazing too. Maybe this living on the streets deal won't be so bad. For one, I'm living the American Dream. Here are the top 10 reasons I'm better off on the streets.

1. I'm my own Boss

I do what I want when I want. Do I want to jump five trashcans and into a ditch for money? Ever drink and entire container of Tide: Winter Breeze on a Monday? Heck, ever stay up a whole week straight drawing a chalk painting of Charles Barkley dunking over Abraham Lincoln? I can finally do it all, I'm my own boss.

2. I don't have a landlord anymore

No longer will I be bothered when I'm peeing off a roof and into someones head. No longer will I get yelled at when I wake up every morning in a pile of my own recyclables anymore. I won't ever have to worry about the massive sinkhole in my backyard which I may or may not have caused when I was digging for ancient Egyptian Gold last Saturday afternoon. Good riddance.

3. I make my own hours

Do I want to sleep until 8:30pm today? Of course. It's a scientific fact you get the best dreams after an 18 hour nap. People will say, "But you wasted the entire day." My reply will be, "If you call having an adventure in Jurassic Park with Sylvester Stallone and Robocop where we single handedly stopped robotic alien dinosaurs from kidnapping The President a waste of a day. Then may I suggest you jump off a bridge into a tractor trailer driven by Wishbone the legendary PBS dog.".

4. Free Cash Dollars

Even though it's summer all I have to do is pretend I have a gun under one of the several coats I'm wearing and Bam! Free bank money. I could also dress up in Army camo and say I'm a veteran of World War II. All I'll need to pull this off is to get really sunburnt so I get wrinkles, use a bunch of spider webs as a wig, and maybe even loose a foot or two to the bear traps I planted in Fairmount Park. To make my begging easier I'll have a little puppy wear the exact same outfit as me only he'll be wearing sunglasses while in his wheelchair.

5. No more taxes

Since I'm not making money legally. All the bank money I get is tax free. Too bad Uncle Sam, after many years of putting up with your shenanigans you can't molest me anymore.

6. Free Food

I can eat anything I want without having to pay for it. Do I want Asian food tonight? Heck yes! I think I'll head to China town and rummage through some dumpsters for a meal fit for a King. Hell, why stop there? I'll break into a five star restaurant and eat out of their trashcans. You say trashcan I say supermarket.

8. I can be as crazy as I want and not be sent to a psychiatrist again

No longer will I be ashamed of having full conversations with plants in public or care what people think when im singing a song about me singing the song im singing about. I will finally be able to talk about all the ideas and inventions I see in my head. Recently I've been thinking about a book that disables all cell phones in an area when someone reads the table of contents backwards.

9. No more bills

Bank of America calls and calls about the 10 grand I owe em. Guess what? You're not getting it. I get a five thousand dollar ticket for crashing a stolen Police car into City Hall while driving without a windshield or tires. Guess What. Eh Eh. Sue me.

10. I'm living my fantasy

Ever since I was a kid I really loved camping. Now I can camp wherever I want all day everyday. At least until a police investigation forces me to move after a series of mysterious murders sweep the city. I can even be a man of the wild. I will even be some sort of animal king someday if I put my mind power from my brain to work. I also plan on adopting several stray dogs who will obey my every whim. If you see a random dog in the city with its paws spray painted to look like sneakers and it's wearing a Bulls hat. Know it is a member of my gang, The Scramblers.

If you would like to give me food, money, or even shelter I'd take it in a second.

Bench pressing cars, trucks, dogs you name it I can bench it.

When people first meet me I'm usually throwing my bank statements out the window of a black SUV while the air conditioning is on full blast. They may think I'm crazy but once they get to know me they usually tell me I'm the greatest person they've ever met.

As far as books you can read go my favorites would involve the following words in the title. Werewolves, Robot Apocalypse, Photoshop, Space-Time, Offshore Money havens, and Tax Evasion.

My favorite movies are 2001: A Space Odyssey, Alien, Aliens, Blade Runner, Commando, the original Conan the Barbarian, Predator, Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Robocop, and Total Recall.

As for my musical taste I only listen to movie soundtracks. Some of my favorites include the ones from the aforementioned movies as well as The Cobra Movie soundtrack, The Thing musical score, John Carpenter's Escape from New York, and the score to Assault on Precinct 13.

When it comes to food I only eat diamond encrusted Faberge Eggs from France.

1. Internet II Its the sequel to the Internet only its faster and has more explosions.

2. Clothing. Without it we'd be arrested if we're anywhere near a school or movie theatre.

3. Time Travel

4. Numerous anthologies based on the life and times of Robocop. Especially his autobiography.

5. Jurassic Park

6. My skeleton. It keeps my flesh off the ground and my ghost inside my body.

What my obituary will read. I believe it will one day say:

1985 - 2037 Christian

Many knew of the man, but few truly knew him. Those that were closest to him have been mounting a vigil over his grave following his execution hoping for the resurrection promised in his latest book, "The Bible 2 - End Game". As yet their disappointment has only manifested itself in minor grumbling, but this may well turn into a full scale riot once the extent of this false prophets lies become evident.

The details regarding Christian's involvement in mass suicides by his followers are blurry at best, but more than sufficient for the death penalty to be brought back purely for him. One former member of his religion accused the self proclaimed prophet of encouraging his followers to fly, stating that their devotion would keep them aloft, before retracting the statement saying that he was "only kidding". Up to 7 million people died in this event.

His execution, televised around the world by Fox Global on behalf of President Murdoch (long may he reign) is one of the most viewed shows on FoxTube, and has resulted in a national holiday being announced in celebration.

Christian is survived by his 4 wives and 12 children, all of whom are being held in custody for crimes against the state.

On a typical Friday night I can be found digging through garbage bins looking for the love of my life or a lottery ticket which will get me back to trillionairedom. After failing at such an endeavor I usually resort to a nice swim on the Schuylkill River where I snorkel for a few hours while looking for underwater cities.

1. I like to lift weights and eat meat while yelling at mice with my shirt off.

2. When it comes to having children I plan on just cloning myself so I can raise myself as my own son. I will be the best father a son who is me could ever hope for and I will have the best son I could ever wish for.

I’ve been dating quite a bit lately, getting back into the game after my divorce two years ago. Much of what I’m trying to do, in addition to stealing a few identities here and there, is discover what I do and don’t find attractive in a woman outside the context of my ex-wife. While I won’t bore you with a list of things that I do find attractive, I have had a few experiences that were immediate "deal breakers" while out on dates.

One woman was a 9/11 truther and spent the entire time explaining to me all the conspiracies and why this was all important. I really thought she was cute so when she asked me out again I said yes, hoping that now she’d gotten her rant out of her system we’d be able to have a normal adult conversation. Despite my constant attempts to steer the conversation in another direction she always managed to steer us back. The worst part about the whole thing was she even brought "evidence" this time. This "evidence" consisted mostly of hand drawn bar graphs and youtube videos she found on the internet. (Yes, she even brought her laptop)

This one has happened with several women I’ve dated. They have eaten like absolute vacuum cleaners, holding the fork like a shovel, cramming food into their mouths, talking with their mouths full, and in one case, eating syrup-covered pancakes with her hands. She just rolled them up like a carpet and swallowed the whole thing without a single bite. Yes it was mildly arousing at first but after five minutes of doing so, I just got up and told her I had to leave since I left my house on fire.

Another bad date I’ve had recently involved a woman who had the bright idea to bring her kids with her. The whole time we were at the gun-show her kids kept grabbing random semi-automatic pistols and pointed them at me while yelling "Die, Die, Die". To top it off when I asked her why she didn’t mention her kids before, she replied, "They aren’t my kids...I’m just watching them for my sister today since she had to get a brain transplant." Not only was she a terrible liar but two of the kids even called her Mommy a few times. Needless to say I broke it off after 5 months.

Other types of women I have blacklisted from possible dates are the chain smokers. This one happened about 2 weeks ago. While we were at the annual dog beauty pageant in Center City this girl has the nerve to light up inside the venue. Not only did we get disgusted looks from the people around us but she even blew the smoke in a contestants face as it walked by. Then as she huffed and puffed on that cig one of the sprinklers went off and soaked a third of the audience. This had to be the most embarrassing moment of my life. Yes she was attractive, but she wasn’t worth the potential cancer that would eventually steal my beautiful beautiful lungs.

One major deal breaker is the really bad kissers who approach a kiss like they have to hide your whole face in their mouth and then talking about what you want to do in the future (Mutual-Fund wise) on the first date, in the first 20 minutes. Both were the same girl. But yeah, a bad kisser is a deal breaker no matter what the other circumstances are. If you’re in your mid 20’s and still kiss like an infant, something is wrong with you. And I think she was a no-sex-before-marriage girl too. Her abstinence stand should of been quite obvious to me when I first met her. Not only did she wear a "WWJD" t-shirt but she carried a First Edition bible with her at all times. Idiot.

A random one that popped up this weekend were the words, "So last night I stayed up doing Crystal Meth, and I NEVER do Crystal Meth!" and "Brittney Spears sings the things I think" I bet Q102 was probably one of her favorite stations too.

Lastly, two nights ago I was at Transit and I was talking to this girl. I didn’t have a drink at the time, and my lips felt dry, so I started to put on chap stick. She stopped talking and looked at me funny then slapped it out of my hand. It was a $5 all natural one too. I did what anyone would do in my situation, so I took her drink and poured it out on top of her head and walked away. There you have it, these are some of the dating stories I have experienced in the year two-thousand and twelve. I leave you with a small list of other deal breakers that should be added to your lists as well.

Here are other things I will no longer tolerate from anyone im dating:

-If they have a disease that I can catch from having sex with them
-Cannibals. Common theres plenty of affordable food around why would you need to eat humans?
-Lazy eye that tends to wander into the back of their head and when it comes back into full view it’s a different color
-Spending 30 minutes on the verge of tears talking about your ex and then calling me up at 4am and asking to borrow money.
-Pro-Lifers. If an accident happens, she has to at least consider giving up the kid to baby heaven or at least an orphanage. There’s just no way they make baby-seats for speedboats these days.
- Frequently having loud conversations with "God" like he was perched on her shoulder. Not like saying "Oh Lord help me" or something, but full blown yelling and arguing with God for over an hour.
- Belief that she could contact the past through her car radio.
- Belief that some people she knew were possessed by Ghosts that were going to start the apocalypse and that she might need to "send them to God".

If you don't do any of the previous things mentioned then I think we just might hit it off.