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23 Simpsonville, SC Man


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  • Ages 18–25
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My details

Last online
Sep 8
5' 9" (1.75m)
Body Type
Doesn’t want kids
My self-summary
Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I'm not a parent, but I've learned everything there is to know about parenting by watching other parents. I can tell at a glance when a kid is spoiled. The first sign is when he or she is accompanied by a dopey, spineless parent who's too afraid to say the magic word: "no." This is the first and only word you need to know when dealing with a child's demands. Or, optionally, "fuck no!" No explanation is necessary. In fact, if you give your child an explanation as to why you said "no," it makes you look like a moron. Until the child is cognizant enough to understand explanations—which are essentially arguments—you're wasting your time. Explaining budgeting constraints, limited income and financial obligations to a child is like explaining movie plots to a dog. But by far, the most important rule is:

Stop inflating your child's ego.

Kids think they're awesome. I know I did when I was a kid. So you don't need to tell him or her, "good job" when you don't mean it. Some kids shouldn't be encouraged to keep trying at something they don't like and aren't good at. You're wasting everyone's time. And on that note, you don't need to keep lying to your kids to "protect" them from getting their feelings hurt. Kids in third-world countries have to deal with much harsher shit than being told to "shut up" every now and then, and somehow they survive.

Here are the things I wish adults would have told me when I was growing up to save me the trouble and risk of not learning them at all:

Tell your kids that they need to have something interesting to say.
Finish your stories. If your story doesn't have a beginning, middle and an end, chances are good that it's not a story and it's just you saying words. Nobody cares.
Don't talk during movies.
Don't talk during car rides.
Don't talk while music is playing.
Don't talk.
People don't have time to stand around prying a greeting out of your little monster. Tell your kids that when someone introduces themselves to you, that's your cue to reply with your name. Or at a minimum, acknowledge that there's another human being talking to you. Don't just stare awkwardly like an asshole and then bury your face in your mother's tits.
On that note, you might think it's cute that you're having a learning moment with your kid by letting him or her pick whatever they want at a restaurant, but when people are waiting behind you, tell your kid what to order. You're paying for it, so you decide. If they don't like it, tough shit. You want to teach your kid a life-lesson? Send them to bed hungry if they can't make up their minds. Yeah, I know this one's technically for adults, fuck off and order already.
Tell them to enunciate.
Tell them to stop lying. Kids lie more than anyone I know.
If your child's teacher wants to talk to you about his or her behavior, it's probably because your kid is a fucking asshole. Stop defending your child and listen to the teacher.
Tell them to stop crying all the fucking time. It's annoying.
Tell them to do their homework. Your kid is a moron by default, and will continue to be a moron until someone somewhere teaches him or her how to think critically. Until or unless that happens, they factor zero to society's equation.
Stop eating everything you find. Some of it might be shit.
If you want to pout and get angry at an adult, why don't you ask a kid to help drive you to the store next time you get hungry.
Stop singing.
Quit showing off. Your twirls aren't that impressive. Any adult can twirl better than you.
All the cartoons and shows you like today are inferior versions of things that existed in the past.
All the music you like is garbage.
You don't have a fashion sense. You're just mimicking others around you—poorly.
You don't get to use sarcasm. Adults invented sarcasm for other adults.
Quit trying to manipulate others with your tears.

That's it for now. There's a lot more, but thinking about kids while writing this list pissed me off so I'm going to go zap my balls in the microwave, as soon as they invent one that can fit a bean bag.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
I'm not going to be a dipshit like most of you, and write life essentials here. Doing that makes you look like an idiot and an asshole. Instead I'll write six things I could do without.

And by "could do without", I mean hate.

- Babies crying: Every time I hear a baby cry in public, I do everyone a favor by throwing it away. You're welcome.

- Children Crying: This is different than babies because kids cry so hard that they actually lose their breath for a few seconds. Normally this would be awesome because hey, dead kid, but it ends up being disappointing because they keep breathing a few seconds later.

- Kids laughing: They sound like someone dropping a plate in a restaurant, except that plate is made out of vocal cords. They say that as you grow older, your sensitivity to sounds with higher frequencies starts to diminish. Something to look forward to.

- Kids singing: They suck at it. 10 times out of 10, when someone wants to show you a video of a kid singing, you think "man, I can't wait to be doing... not this."

- Women crying: I hate this sound because I hear it daily when I tell women that I'm too busy to have sex.

- Cackling: A cackle is to a laugh what a shovel is to a face. For reference, look up any interview done with Adele, Sharon Osbourne or any clip from "The Talk" or "The View." When they're not crying, talking over each other or nodding in agreement, they're cackling.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
Every time I hear someone say "I suck at math," I immediately think he or she is a moron. If you suck at math, what you really suck at is following instructions.

Sucking at math is like sucking at cooking. I'm tired of eating shitty food because you're too much of a dipshit to follow a recipe. Also, I'm tired of hearing people brag about how they can't cook like it's some kind of badge of honor. It's like a race to the bottom with you people. I always hear people one-upping each other about how inept they are at cooking. If you don't know how to chop up a few carrots to make a decent soup, take your life.

Math is exactly like cooking: just follow the recipe. Symbols look confusing? Can't figure out how to solve a problem? All I hear is, "Waaah! Boo-hoo! I didn't read the introduction to the chapter that tells me exactly how to solve this generic category of problems!"

Math isn't some voodoo that only smart people understand. It's something that people understand on their path to enlightenment, and it's about as straightforward as thinking gets.

Then there's those who say the same tired excuse every other dickhead spews out about math: "when will I ever use this in life?"

First of all, if you're leading your life in such a way that you never have to do math, congratulations, you are a donkey.

Why is math the only discipline that has to put up with this bullshit? People gladly learn art, music, literature and geography. You'll even nod like a happy idiot when you learn what a haiku is, and you never complain or whine about how you'll never use this in your "life." When is the last time you wrote a haiku, asshole?

But when it comes to math, everyone turns into a big pussy and starts PMSing all over the place. The walls, the flag, the teachers, everyone and everything gets splattered by your crimson twat water. Because suddenly you can predict the future and you know that for the next 70 or so years of your life, with 100% certainty, that you will never use math and that you can tune out and go back to doodling because you're too self-important to learn something that ancient people thought was important enough to pass down for your dumbass to learn from. It's far more important for you to practice writing your name or drawing hearts and stars, right?

People didn't invent this stuff because they were bored. They invented it to solve real-world problems. Problems that real men had to deal with before your stupid ass was born, like building oil platforms, delivering the correct dosage of medicine and going to space. Not so your dumbass can play "Gardens of Time" on Facebook, although you wouldn't be able to do that without math, either.

All higher forms of thinking come from neural connections built by solving the kinds of problems encountered in math. Why should you learn math? Because fuck you, that's why. Learning math isn't about how much or how little you use it at your shitty job. It's about becoming someone who's worth a shit.

Don't like it? Tough. People also don't like to work, and if everyone took your shitty attitude towards math and applied it towards work, we'd all be living in shit huts in Africa. As for me, I like computers, the Internet, and riding in elevators. Don't think elevators are awesome? Take the stairs next time, asshole.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Eating beef jerky.

If someone invented a way to package sex and put it straight into your mouth, it would taste like beef jerky.

When I was six years old, friends and family were shocked when I woke up one day and had a full-grown beard. My voice was deeper, my hands were calloused, and my balls dangled like pendulums. Doctors diagnosed me with precarious puberty - a condition that causes the early onset of puberty.

Nobody knew why I was afflicted by this abnormality until they finally traced it to a manliness gene triggered by the manliest food in the universe: beef jerky.

If there's a food out there that's manlier than strips of flesh ripped from an animal's ribs, cured, smoked, and flavored so it can be slammed down the throats of hungry construction workers, I'd like to know what it is.

While some cattle will end up as steaks and others as upholstery in over priced cars, baseball gloves, over priced Coach Purses; a cow’s greatest aspiration in life is to become beef jerky. But don’t take my word for it.


What follows is a dairy of a cow on a cattle ranch. The diary documents every day the cow lived, but since many of the days contain similar activities, only relevant excerpts are shown here:

June 23, 2008
I stood around in a field today.

April 9, 2009
I chewed on grass today and accidentally swallowed a rock. I’m a total idiot!

March 5 2010
A couple of teenagers pushed me over when i was sleeping standing up. It took me 15 minutes to stand up again.

April 5 2010
It’s my birthday today, a few guys from the field chipped in and got me some dirt.

April 21 2010
I sure wish I could be eaten.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
Every time someone utters the phrase, "I don't like onions," my face crumples up with hate that bubbles up from my pores and escapes through my skin. If there was a service that specialized in punching a massive number of people, I would single-handedly keep them in business by paying for every last anti-onionite to get socked in the eyes.

I like onions because I'm an adult. You may think you don't like onions, but unless you have the taste perception of a dog, you're full of shit. That's because everything worth eating has onions in it. Don't believe me? Here's a list of foods that onion-haters like, despite the fact that they contain onions:

Pizza. Think your rancorous hatred of onions is sated by not ordering them on your pizza? What do you think gives the sauce its flavor, dipshit?
Burgers. Patties are seasoned with onion powder. Pull your head out of your ass.
Stuffing. Onions make those giant clots of bread worth shoving into your ugly, hateful mouth.
Onion rings. Inexplicably, some onion haters will order onion rings, despite the fact that onion rings are made with onions. "Well I don't mind onion rings." So fried onions get to keep their seat in the front of the bus in your world? You know what, don't eat onions; we don't need your charity.
Ramen. Wow, more onions. It's almost like onions are in everything. Hmm, where have I heard that? Oh yeah, right at the start of this fucking list.
Fried chicken. Keep shoving that breading into your tooth-hole, lardass! The onion-powder in the batter gives your taste buds purpose.
Gravy, BBQ, coleslaw, ranch dressing, etc, etc. Onions, onions, onions. Onions make you feel unstoppable.

Everything has onions in it. I love onions with all my heart and soul. My ex-girlfriend was giving me a piggy-back ride to the grocery store one day because I didn't want to scuff up my new shoes. She was huffing down the frozen pizza aisle when I overheard some hipster chick saying "Ewww, onions!" I jumped off my woman's back and slid over like a smooth criminal. Her boyfriend shrieked, "dude, what's your problem?" That's when a clerk tossed an onion at me from the produce aisle. I immediately dropped into a handstand and donkey-kicked the onion into the hipster-chick's yapper. She started chewing like a horse and crying tears of joy. She was so happy that she gave me her number, which I drop-kicked out of her hand and into her boyfriend's skull. She asked me how she could ever repay me, and I gave her a stern look. She thought that look meant "suicide." She was right.

She said "I know what I have to do." Then she waddled over to the houseware aisle, grabbed a potato peeler and started peeling off her own face. Then I watched as she slowly ate her face for the next 15 minutes, piece by piece until she bled to death. Her final words to me were "forgive me." I said "no" in sign language, and then she died.

By now the manager of the store had come by and said "Sir, you have to leave." But I didn't hear anything because I was thinking about something else. He then got a mop and tried smacking me with it. I ducked like a drunken master, then sprung back up and slammed him in the chin with my butt. He started crying hot salty tears, so I hopped back on my woman's back to ride her off into the sunset. Just then a security guard jumped out in my way. Big mistake. I shook my head and in one solid motion, reached into my pants, took out my balls, and then in super slow motion, I swung them like a sling and smashed his face. It caused severe fractures to the sinus, naso-orbital ethmoid and lacrimal bones. He required extensive surgery and was never able to fully speak again.

Onions rule.
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