Throughout the years I have been constantly reminded that “you should be happy with who you are.” And I could never relate to this.

 

I have struggled with weight for most of my life, especially after starting my period at 9 years old.

 

This year I finally stopped making excuses and in the span of 5 months through diet and lots of exercise, I went from 199 to 159. And it was hard work.

 

I find that the smaller I become the less tolerant I am people making excuses for not losing weight. In 2006 I weight 310 pounds and it took years to get to 199.

 

I have PCOS and it makes it nearly impossible to lose weight, and yet here I am with my size 12 pants falling off of my hips.

 

If someone had told me in September that in 4 months I’d shed 40 pounds I wouldn’t have believed it; but here I am, 4 years after June 2006, 160 pounds lighter.

 

I have self-control now and it’s a wonderful thing.

 

But I am still upset when a large person looks at me says “I’ve tried, but I can’t lose weight!” with a candy bar in one hand and a can of coke in the other.

 

“You need to learn to respect others decisions.”

 

Fine, I’ll really try.

 

All I am asking though is that people take responsibility for their decisions.

 

“You were perfect just the way you were!”

 

310 and being 4’11 is far from perfect, it’s down right unhealthy and I had unmanaged type 2 diabetes as a result. I think by letting larger people think that they can be 200 pounds overweight and still be healthy is very dangerous.

 

People are having heart attacks at 17 from their weight.

 

I don’t believe that I’ll gain the weight back because of all of the self-control I have now, it’s a wonderful thing.

I’ll just be frank. In September of 2007 I suffered what my therapist describes as a Nervous Breakdown more severe than he’d ever seen in 30 years of practice- even working at one of California’s most notorious mental institution.

 I did not drink. I did not use drugs. I did not have sex.

 I completely had no emotions.

 Not hate. Not disgust. Not Love. Not empathy. Not compassion. Not friendship. Not affection. Not fear. Not worry. Not anger.

 I was in a state of complete indifference or apathy.

 I was in a situation where I was on a flight that December, and the plane was having hydraulic problems as we entered Fortworth/Dallas and the pilot made a fleeting warning about perhaps making a crash landing. Everywhere I looked; people around me were in fear: some frozen with it, some calling loved ones and others in absolute hysterics.

 I put my headphones in, I like music, I’m never without it, even now. I always have it playing.

 My friend sitting next to me went to hold my hand, to which I calmly withdrew it, looking her in those mortified eyes as I calmly stated:

 “Don’t worry, we’re not lucky enough to crash and die.”

 A few passengers around us heard me, and shared looks and later words of worry, astonishment and disgust.

 The planes harmony was restored and we safely landed. Some exited the plane as if they were taking their first breathes out of hell, grasping the meaningfulness of their lives to them.

 With an empty expression I walked toward baggage to collect my items, listening to music to drone out their cries of happiness.

 I felt nothing.

 It’s been 20 months now and I am getting better but still heavily emotionally damaged. I do not feel any kind of emotion like I used to- except for rage which I am learning to control. But as for feelings of compassion/love/affection/ or friendship I am significantly muted in these areas. Extremely desenseitized.

 I visited Mt. Angel near Halloween with my friend, her mom and my mom whom I don’t get along with- interestingly two children holding hands walked by quietly and gently singing a song- some childrens song that’s been around a while- and with a lot of might I choked back tears and had to turn away. Luckily no one noticed- but why would I react this way to children singing?

 I’ll add more later but has anyone ever been this empty? It lasted from September 2007 until March of 2008.

I dreamt I was having a threesome with a young (to embarassed and disgusted to name who) and a young Michael Palin. I was a teacher and they were cops who came to speak to my second grade glass on safety and shit.

Suddenly the children were gone and I'm having- *AMAZING* and *ORGASMIC* sex with Jeffrey Jones and Michael Palin.

...I'm only *slightly* ashamed.

I stopped just now to think about it, it's been lingering inside of me for so long and now it's here.

I finally love myself. And it feels amazing.

Since I was 3 years old my mother lectured us on the imporance of physical beauty.

By the time I was 9 years she'd comment on my body and how much more sexy I could be. When I was 11, how short my skirts and shirts should be. When I was 9 I got my period and started to gain significant and unusual amounts of weight. I went from a size 4 to a size 16 in one school year when I was 11, and my mother never let me forget it. At 14 I was diagnosed with PCOS and realized it was the reason for the weight gain, and showing my mother how thin she couldn't make me, because after 7 children she still wore a size 3.

I went through horrible ups and downs, until my senior year I reached 310 pounds. I am 5'0. After years old denial and growing up, I realized that I owed it to myself to be happy. And part of being so obese was to keep people away from me.

Now, I am 5'0 and weigh 170 and the weight is slipping off. I am healthy and doing it on my own terms. I adore my body. I adore my face. I have amazing breasts and great skin and for the first time, I really love myself, and it's such an amazing feeling.

I spent years being a self loather, and it's not a road I shall walk down again. I know that I will have problems and suffer low self esteem, but sometimes you have to be your biggest fan, and I'm cheering myself on until the end.

I�ve had a theory since I was a small child, but I�d only found words for it not that long ago. If I had to chose a life motto, it would be �To magnify pain is point number 1.� And I truly live by it. I believe in hurting people, both physically and mentally if you have too, but mainly just to let them know that you can hurt them. I have found that nothing puts people in to action or keeps them away from you like the threat of pain, either real or imagined. My brother is very important in my life, he�s amazing. He�s a higher moderate functioning autistic and really just the salt of the earth, I wish more people knew him. Unfortunately, my brother gets pushed around and stepped on, but he�s just too nice to say anything. A little while ago, I decided he needed to really step up and not get pushed around. So I started giving him tips, some of my best strategies for really burning people�s souls and how to truly hurt someone deeply. I was so proud, he was learning so much. After much influence and enough lessons, he finally broke up with his girlfriend who�d been treating him like shit; ironically she had dated my other brother and treated him like shit as well. My brother was cruel and cold, and smiled the entire time; he really enjoyed himself- just like I taught him. I stood back and admired the particular malice he�d inflicted on this girl who�d officially hurt both of my brothers, I admired my work, I realized that I�d taught my brother so well, and I suddenly- I felt like shit. I realized that my brother had been an exceptional human being and here I had shown him the cold path of cruelty and I sunk even lower.

To magnify pain is point number one.

I�d killed the unicorn. The most pure and innocent of animals�what have I done?

About 2 hours ago, I was on my way to Safeway, when suddenly when I was across the street from the building and their fire door BUSTED open and this guy ran out holding store merch. He RAN RIGHT PASSED ME. At first I wasn't sure what was going on, but once I took out my headphones and hear the alarm, I knew pretty quickly. Weird and yet...cool.

I've sick a lot this semester. Well sick isn't the right word, more like exhausted. And whats funny is that the more tired I am, the less I can sleep. The other day I woke up at 7:35 AM, went to school and then went to work, I got home at 9:30, did homework, checked myspace and email, got into bed at 11:50 and rolled around in bed until 5:00 AM. I couldn't sleep and believe it or not...it was AGONY. I was exhausted, but my mind was racing. My body felt so heavy it was sand was running through my veins and had filled most of my abdominal cavity. It was like my brain was telling my body "WE KNOW YOU'RE TIRED. BUT WE'RE NOT!!!" So I got up again at 7:35 and went to school, going a full day and some off hours without sleep. HAS THIS HAPPENED TO ANYONE ELSE? Because it happens to me at least ONCE A WEEK!!!

Also...strangely I feel like I am doing incredibly well, but I am afraid that that my grades aren't quite as great as they could be...I'm doomed.

I am probably one of the biggest fans of music I know. I have my headphones all day, I can't live without it. I prefer rock music, but like everyone, I don't have one type of music that I only listen to. I recently found that many rock bands have String Quartet Tributes to them, and honestly, I have found that I love the string tributes more then the song. I don't know if that is disloyal or if it is just a different aspect if the music that I can appreciate. I really enjoy the string quartet tributes to bands like A Perfect Circle and Chevelle. Though the string quartet tribute to "Minerva" by Deftones is particularly GORGEOUS. I find it truly interesting that when you listen to a song, whether it be Rap or Heavy Metal in a string quartet form, how beautiful it can be. It astounds me how I think, "WOW. That would be great in a movie." and how it compliments a scene. The Vitamin Quartet have done many string quartets that I truly enjoy. You can check them out at Youtube.com, just search String Quartet or Vitamin String Quartet. Or you can search your favorite song or band type in "String Quartet" to it. They even have a string quartet to Metallica.

When I was a kid, my mother worked and used to drop my sibs and I off at day care, a place called Learning Tree. Anyway, there was this really viscious lady there who weighed 300 pounds named Sue, and seriously, she used to eat our lunches. It was wasn't funny. Me and 3 of my siblings went to day care because the others were to old and it was hell. Sue was a total bitch. Not only would she eat your lunch but she'd only leave shit behind and make you clean it up. One time, she ate my brother John's lunch, and his Autistic and he FREAKED OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE. He was breaking shit and screaming hysterically- it was funny as hell to me. She didn't get in trouble though, she totally lied. It was still pretty funny though.

Have you sat there and wondered when everything is finally going to work out? Life feels like one block after another and you begin to think to yourself "Why does G-d hate me?" but you don't really think he hates you, at least you hope to him that he doesn't hate you...I hate to admit it, but life right now feels like this crazy emo song that doesn't even make it into the top 40. Yeah. That's how I feel. On a light note my neighbor was mowing his lawn, the areola of his nipples are the size of saucer plates and this dark tan color, reality: He has light skin, red hair and freckles- and those air traffic runways he calls "areolas"- make me laugh hysterically, even if no one is watching...