I wrote all this in one draft, just fixed typos. 7 minutes, tops. This site is in serious need of a makeover, it's static, moribund, it feels like MySpace, no, Friendster! Nothing has changed since that god clown GW Bush was in his first term, so I'm going to make it POP a little and give it a new look. I'm posing the questions and setting the parameters here. This is NOT my self-summary, it's more of a manifesto in miniature. I know, my nickname is sort of retarded (there is nothing wrong with that word!), but I was trying to think of something that didn't have numbers or underscores and I think I was a little tipsy and now I'm stuck with it.

But I won't abandon it.

Say, what are you doing that is any different from the other lemmings crawling around on the earth, swimming in the oceans and lakes and rivers, tunneling through tubes under the city in metal boxes?

That's a good question! I'm glad you asked. I'm working more than I would like, definitely commuting more than is humane. Two hours a day, five days a week, 52 weeks a year...ok minus vacation, call it 49 weeks, that's still 20.4166667 days per year on the blue line. So, if you live closer to D.C. than the Franconia metro stop, I think I should move in with you ASAP. I know how to use tools.

Hey there you, what do you do: A) poorly; B) with panache?

A) I have an xbox, I love playing it but I'm really, really not proficient at all with the controller. But I keep playing, because I like shooting guns, killing fake cops and luckless pedestrians, and running Adrian Peterson on that stretch run to the left.

B) I take photographs of interesting subjects. I talk to homeless people (the non-schizophrenic ones). I walk like I'm going to go through the wall. Unfortunately this weak site has no video or audio so I can't show and tell.

Do you believe in god?

No. I think he believes in me though. He'd better, 'cause I am well armed and I know where he lives, and lately he's been irritating me. If he turns out to be a she, then the dynamic changes completely, as you might imagine.

Why are you in Fairfax County, of all places?

Another good question! I'm stuck with a mortgage for now, because I've been a single father since good old 1988 (yes, I *am* one of the good ones), but that work is done now (never completely done, but mostly) since my daughter is going to be 27 this year. I went to UVA (after dropping out of high school) so I do have an attachment to the Olde Dominion, but damn if I don't hate the politics in Richmond. I belong in Takoma Park or D.C.

This one is OK; I'm leaving it be, with this caveat: fachrissake does everyone and their uncle have to trumpet the fact that they own and use a passport?????!!!!! OK. That had to be excised.

1) Sick and Wrong Podcast, the world's source for anti-social commentary. Extremely hilarious, unless you're uptight.

2) Barley, Hops, Yeast & Water with isotopes.

3) Non-Fiction books. Nothing that needs to be plugged in. My boss got me a kindle for xmas, it makes a great coaster.

4) Mountains.

5) Change of seasons.

6) Art.

I have a deviated septum, so I'm a mouth breather. I had my nose broken the first time when I was 16 in a depressing Jimmy Carter sweater gas shortage line in North Hollywood CA in 1979. One of my two brothers is insane. The other one is a construction worker. My dad was a hard drinking rocket scientist (really, JPL), my mom is a teetotaler artist from mormon stock. I actually am 6 feet tall, you can measure. The fattest I've ever gotten is 215 pounds, and I was really trying. I'm about 190 now. I dislike hot weather and beaches, unless they're tropical and I can snorkel or dive. I have about 50 stitches from scars on my torso. The big one is 37, I had to take a couple months off from work after that. I ate lots of vicodin and went to the movies. I have a plaque for getting the highest score on the GED in 1985. I don't like strip clubs. I like watching stand up comedy, I don't care too much for music, but when I do it has to be something good, like Carrickfergus or Tom Waits bleating. Or Patti Smith. You know. Or, you don't. Either way is fine.

What is your morning routine? What do you do when you get home from the law factory? Can I borrow some money?

Flossing! I love to floss, I do it thoroughly, I do it well, I never miss a day, even when I go camping. It pays off when I go to the hygienist. She should pay me.

When I get home I feed my cat, get out of my Mr. Business ultra-uncomfortable outlandishly outmoded garments, then I feed my cat, clean the litter box, and here the road bifurcates. I either have a bunch of *good* beers (I'm a home brewer) or go for a five mile run.

I would love to but I'm broke. I work at a law firm but I'm not a lawyer. It's a cruddy position to be in but I watched my sister go to law school and she stopped laughing after that, married a catholic, bought an SUV and now she likes Sarah Palin. Our DNA is pretty similar so I just couldn't take that chance, if you know what I mean. But I'll give you money if I have leftovers. I don't need any extra.

How would you rank all of the Coen brothers movies?

1) Miller's Crossing (Look in your heart)
2) Raising Arizona (Son, you got a pantie on your head)
3) Fargo (I want pancakes)
4)) The Big Lebowski (That's Knox Harrington, the video artist)
5) The Man Who Wasn't There (Sooner or later everyone needs a haircut)
6) No Country For Old Men (Friendo....)
7) Barton Fink ()
8) A Serious Man (What happened to the goyim?)
9) Blood Simple (In Russia, they make 50 cent a day)

I think they were just kidding with the rest. Ladykillers. Intolerable Cruelty (aptly named). O Brother What The Hell? That one about the hula hoop. The John Wayne remake. Yikes. Still, fortune favors the bold, you can't make an omelette without busting eggs, enough aphorisms. I like the way those guys hold the silly oscar statues when they win, like they're flat bottles of soda. Which they are.

Piqued is the interest? Yoda is the DOMA.