My name is Sam, and I exist.

I'm a college graduate with a BA in Psychology. I've learned a lot about the human mind, but not quite enough to know what I was thinking when I decided to major in Psychology. Right now I'm working, but I'll probably end up back in school at some point, because being an adult is for squares.

I like food, ping-pong, video games, board games, card games, and games in general, but not the sorts of games people are referring to when they say "I don't play games" in their OkCupid self-summaries.

I also like (in ascending order of sophistication) dogs, the internet, puns, philosophy, self-reference, more puns, redundancy, and science. As you can see, I am a proponent of the serial comma; it's all right if you aren't, though.

I'm something of an introvert. As a result, I'm quiet and just a little socially awkward. This doesn't bother me very much because I tend not to care more than I should about what other people think of me.

I'm pretty bad at knowing how you're feeling or what you're thinking about without you telling me, so please, don't hesitate to tell me.

My MBTI assessment is INTP and my enneagram type is somewhere in between 4 and 5, if that means anything to you.

I share a birthday with Chuck Norris. Does this make me cool? You bet.

I daydream all the time. I also get lost all the time. Sometimes they're related, but most of the time it's a coincidence.

Sometimes I'm funny. I have a dry sense of humor, but I enjoy absurdity in its many incarnations, and I never fail to find it (or maybe it finds me).

I've been called many things, but never conventional.

I have the same number of piercings as I have tattoos. This is probably less exciting than how you're imagining it.

I hate spiders and centipedes. I'm not too big on mushrooms either.
If only I had a trackball...

I look like I don't get enough sleep and that's because it's true. I have a tendency to revert naturally to a nocturnal activity pattern, with which life obviously interferes, resulting in me staying awake for too long.

I'm pickier than one might expect about whom I date, because I don't mind being single. My preferences aren't necessarily what one might expect either, so please don't let that discourage you. If you're looking for a reason not to message me, I'm sure you can find a better one.

Oh, what's that you say? You don't like stream of consciousness self-summaries?

Very well, imagine a frat boy.
Now, imagine something which in all aspects is more or less in diametric opposition to what you just imagined, and you'll have imagined something pretty similar to me.

I am emotionally calm and ideologically turbulent.
I am cynical but imaginative.
I am interested in politics, but not in activism.
I am probably smarter than I appear, but possibly not as smart as I think I am.
I am fond of memes but not of Richard Dawkins.

I am not boring.
...Okay, yeah I am.

I am intelligent, shy, and nice

Trying to be as much like Oscar Wilde as I possibly can, in every conceivable way.

Deviating from norms, usually as a result of circumstance, and occasionally by choice.

My undergraduate degree is from the U of Michigan. I'm in the process of trying to decide what I want to study in graduate school.

I was working at a mortgage company, but, having decided that making decent money was completely uncool, I am now taking classes and delivering sandwiches for a deli. That is, the sandwiches are for the deli. The classes are for me.

Not knowing what is even happening right now, parentheses, video games, typing quickly, procrastination, multiple choice tests, filling out my OkCupid profile, awkward silence, being patient about all those annoying things you probably do, memorization, whistling, remaining calm, paying with exact change, Rock-paper-scissors, winning arguments, and eating a surprising amount of food.

Not my eyes, that's for sure.

On OkCupid: My user name is an internet meme.
Yes, I do get messages about it regularly, and yes, I still love it every time.

From a distance: I'm short, thin, pale and probably pretty geeky-looking.

Closer now: I look like I'm lost (chances are good that I am).

Closer yet: "He's holding a thermal detonator!"
False alarm--it's probably a notepad, which I'm using to write down all the things you've been noticing about me.

Even closer: Whoa, too close. I don't even know you yet.

At first meeting: I sound Jewish. If you don't know what this means, you will. Oh, you will.
And I'm pretty nice, if a little strange.

Also, "oh my god, you look just like my friend Dave!"

A: Stephen King novels, horror in general, Gothic fantasy, historical fiction, science fiction, allegorical works, mythological texts of both defunct and active religions, and many short stories.

B: Poltergeist, Jurassic Park, The Rock, Edward Scissorhands, Donnie Darko, My Fair Lady, The Music Man, Guys and Dolls, etc.

C: Regina Spektor, Bob Seger, Coldplay, Jackson Browne, The Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel, Celtic, Classical, Muse, Matchbox 20, Elton John, Flogging Molly, Jim Croce, Steven Cravis, Death Cab, Decemberists, Nightwish, etc.

D: Almost anything with oranges in it, many different kinds of soup, pasta, sushi, other Japanese cuisine, Chinese food, mashed potatoes, steak, etc.

I'm not a vegetarian or a vegan, and I probably never will be, but in case you are, I will respect your choice, as long as you respect mine.

Money, a computer, access to the interweb, good food, humor, and free time.

Life, death, stories I want to write but probably never will, how to convince myself to actually write those stories, things I should have said or done instead of things I did say or do.

How often it happens that someone is intentionally trying to make a spoonerism, but accidentally makes one at the same time, and the words come out sounding normal.

What my dogs would say if they could speak English (American English, not that British nonsense).

Staff Robot.

I also have vivid, Walter Mitty-esque daydreams.

Sitting around. Out for coffee. In for tea. Reading Wikipedia. Posting in forums. I rarely do adventuresome things, but I would, if my friends didn't all live 500 miles away (on average).

I am frequently underestimated by almost everyone.

I'm terrified of death.

I think Dr. Who is kind of overrated.

I've got the moves like Jagger.

You feel like it. If you're curious about something. If you're mad about something I put in my profile and you want to fight over the internet. If you have a good (or bad) joke to tell (so I can steal it). If you want to play Settlers of Catan, Carcassonne or other board games. If you want to discuss pretentious, philosophical things or engage in fruitless sophistry.

If you disagree with the first declarative statement in my profile and think you can convince me that you're right.

If you read the rest of my profile too.

If you are eloquent, hilarious, clever, friendly, unusual, confident, or some combination thereof.

If you are a scientist, an artist, a feminist, a hedonist, a thinker, a hero(ine), or a villain.

And if you are a villain, you should especially message me if you wear a cape or own a fortress.

The above are all just suggestions. You should probably do it anyway; I'm a pretty cool guy.*

~

*Now for the disclaimers, surely to be disregarded with staggering frequency:

I am substantially shorter than the national average. If this is a problem for you, please be aware of it before messaging me with anything but friendship in mind. I love to waste my time, but not my effort.

I am by no means a grammar-Nazi, but truly horrendous butchery of the language will make my eyes bleed, which is a serious medical condition, so please... think of my eyes.

I like meaningful conversation. If you're unwilling to engage in anything beyond small talk, I will get bored quickly.

I have little respect for mean or abrasive people, or those who have confused nastiness with honesty.
However, the internet is not serious business, and if you want to offend me you're going to have to try really, really hard.

I usually have a billion different windows open, so if I don't notice your IM, try... IMing me harder, or something.