Currently seeking volunteers from the ages of 18 to 26 for a scientific study.

We will meet, engage in small talk for at least 30 minutes, and then kiss.  I will rate my enjoyment of the kiss on a scale from 1 to 10.  I will compare the data for each kiss with personality traits and physical characteristics I have identified in the associated participant in an effort to find patterns.  I will also total the data in order to find my average kissing enjoyment level and other statistical miscellanea.  My ultimate goal is to determine whether I enjoy kissing in general, and whether there are any traits in my prospective kissing partners that might increase the likelihood that I will enjoy the kiss.

Please have good oral hygiene, nice teeth, and no communicable diseases.  Preference will be given to volunteers within close proximity of the greater Detroit area.  Preference will be given to female volunteers, however, for the sake of scientific rigor, I will require a small control group consisting of males.  Unpleasant, but we all have to make sacrifices for science.  As being beaten up by your boyfriend may potentially be a confounding factor to the validity of the study, preference will also be given to single volunteers or those in open relationships.

There will be no monetary compensation, but breath mints and optionally (for those participants aged 21 or older) liquor of the participant's choice will be provided at the experimenter's expense.

For more information, please see below, and/or send me a message.


Introduction:
I have kissed several people in the past, but because I am extremely analytical and slightly neurotic, the idea of their saliva in my mouth has always caused a feeling of 'grossness', for lack of a better term. This leads to involuntary gagging and a lack of enjoyment.  However, I recently was able to kiss an individual without experiencing this. That has piqued my curiosity and now I shall attempt to discover more about kissing and how it relates to me through this study.  I expect to find that certain personality traits and physical characteristics will influence my enjoyment (or lack thereof) of a kiss.

Methods:
Participants:  I will select the participants of this study from a pool of applicants between the ages of 18 and 26, inclusive, from various social networking websites, and other sources if I am able to arrange it. Presumably most of them will be female, but I cannot know this with certainty. The total number of participants will depend largely upon the total number of applications I receive. The more participants I select, the more accurate my results will be, but due to time constraints and a lack of external funding, I will probably not be able to support more than approximately 40, should I receive more than that many suitable applicants.  To constitute my control group, males are welcome to apply.

Materials:  N/A

Design:  Because I cannot control the traits of the applicants, this is not a true experiment, but a correlational study.  The control group (males) is necessary only to provide a baseline for comparison, and my main concern is the detection of a correlation between any of certain physical characteristics and personality traits of the participants, and my enjoyment of the kiss.

I will not list exactly which traits I am tracking, as prior knowledge of them by the participants may affect their behavior or presentation of themselves.

Procedure: I will meet each participant at a restaurant, coffee shop, bar, book store, park or other location in an area that is public and reasonably convenient for both of us.  We will converse for at least 30 minutes in an effort to increase our levels of comfort. During this time, I will make note of certain physical characteristics and personality traits that I have detected in the participant. If desired, we may converse for longer than 30 minutes and/or consume a shot or two of the participant's preferred liquor (entirely optional and only applicable to those participants of legal drinking age). When we are both ready, we will kiss. Rather than specify the precise parameters of the kiss, I will allow it to occur as naturally as possible, given the circumstances. 

I will then rate my enjoyment of the kiss on scale from 1 to 10.  Decimals may be used if I deem them necessary.  By matching my enjoyment of each kiss with that participant's associated traits, I will attempt to discover any patterns which might exist, and I will then use those for further scientific inquiry into the matter.  I will also determine how much I enjoy kissing on average, and whether my total kissing experience falls into a bell curve or something less ordinary.

F.A.Q.

Q:  Is this a joke?
A:  No.

Q:  What's in it for me?
A:  The advancement of science, of course. And booze*.

Q:  How will my privacy be protected?
A:  While I will probably learn your name during the course of the study, I will never divulge it, the traits I have identified in you, how much I enjoyed kissing you, or the fact that you participated in the study to anyone without your written consent.  Upon admission into the study, you will be assigned an ID number which I will use internally for all statistical operations.

Q:  Does applying for your study obligate me to kiss you?
A:  No. Participants are free to withdraw from the study at any time, without any questions asked.  Hopefully before I buy you drinks.

*Only for those 21 or older.

If you would like to apply for the study, please send me a message. You may use the form below if you find it convenient, or not, I don't really care.

(I reserve the right to reject or disqualify any applicant or participant at any time, for reasons stated or unstated)

Thank you for your time!

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Application Form:

Sex (male, female, or other)

Age (only 18 - 26, please)

Relationship Status (single, seeing someone, married, available, etc.)

City of residence

Do you have your own transportation? (I may ask applicants more than 50 miles from me to meet me somewhere in the middle)

How often do you brush your teeth?

How often do you floss?

Do you have any diseases which could conceivably be transferred via saliva?

Do you have a tongue or lip piercing(s)? (only used for statistical purposes)

Have you ever been convicted of a felony? If yes, please explain. Note that answering yes will not immediately disqualify you from the study.

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Dear men:

Why do some of you want to show women your genitals so much? What does that accomplish? What does it do?

Is it meant to entice them? Look at your penis. Look at your testicles. Does the whole penis-testicles apparatus look very enticing to you?

If the goal is to have sex, that's the wrong way to go about it. Your junk is the tool you use to actually have sex, not the one to bring about the intimate situation. Women don't see your penis and instantaneously go into horny mode. They're not female versions of you.

The majority of women you speak with are going to assume you have a penis, without photographic evidence. You don't have to prove it, if that's what it's about.

Is it just a cry for attention? If you want to distinguish yourself, all you need to do is be smarter, richer and better-looking than everyone else, like I am. You don't need to wave your penis around on the internet like some kind of runway flag.

In short, there are better ways to say "I'm interested in you" than with a picture of your junk.

Settlers of Catan. Who likes it? I'll tell you who. I do.

The mixed messenger? No I'm not!
Screw you, I hate you, OkCupid.

...I didn't mean it baby, I'm sorry.

It's smiling.

Google's title image is really cool today. I don't know what it's there for, but I approve.

Let it never be said that I'm not.

Tony Stark was able to build this IN A CAVE!
With a box full of scraps!

Thanks for telling me every time someone takes a crap, OkC.

And I don't know why.

I don't have anything against vegans, but I don't know if I could be in a relationship with one. All of the motivations I know of for being vegan (and most of the ones for being ordinary run-o'-the-mill vegetarian) are opposed to my world view and philosophy.

I'll happily be friends with the vegan-est people around, but I don't know about dates, so...Cut it out, OkC.