Rambo 4.

Burma, the asshole of the world.  A place where reporters are shot and killed, villagers are hunted down like dogs, forced to join the army and killed for fun by the army who do it for the lulz.

I didn't know what to expect when I saw this movie for the first time.  I had heard it was 'bloody' and 'extremely violent', but somehow I thought it was too hyped up.  No way it could be 'that' violent, right?  I mean, I've seen pretty much every 80's action and horror flick known to man.  Movies with body counts over 100 and some of the goriest shit known to man in them, so Rambo couldn't be that bad, right??

Wrong.

This is easily the bloodiest film I've ever seen.  In 85 minutes, well over 200 people are shot, stabbed, burned alive, gutted, decapitated, mutilated, disfigured, raped, ravaged and fuck.. There are not enough words to describe how badly people get fucked up in this movie, for realz.

The opening scene is the military unloading villagers into a swamp, lacing it with landmines and then forcing them to run from one end to the other while betting on who the last one standing will be.  Oh, and the last guy standing?  They just fucking shoot him in the head anyway, so it's not like it matters! 

In the first minute we are treated to one villagers stepping on a mine and exploding in a showering of entrails, bone and gore, and then about 12 more being mowed down by fire from AK 47's.  One minute in and already the body count is in double digits, impressive.

Flash forward.

John Rambo, now completely jaded and cynical, now makes him home in Thailand as a snake handler and boatman for hire.  Now in his early 60's, Rambo has left behind America and everything and anyone that has betrayed him in the past, instead living off of the land and fending for himself.

First thing I noticed is that Stallone is ripped for 60.  Sure, he takes anabolics (He was busted with them coming into the country to film the movie) but still, to be that dedicated to fitness at 60? Amazing.  His biceps are bigger than my legs!

Rambo is also way more surly and cynical this time around, but I guess being lied to and left out to dry by your own country time and time again, combined with the horrors of war and living alone in the freakin jungle for over 20 years will do that to a man.  Rambo delivers a cobra to a snake show and when the owner tells him to bring him a python next time, bitching and
moaning at him, Rambo just strolls by and tells him to go fuck himself.  He just doesn't give two fucks anymore, and it shows.

So some church folks on a mercy mission to aid the Karen people (the ones being brutalized by the military in the opening scene) show up and attempt to hire Rambo's boat to take them upriver into Burma.  Rambo listens  passively, feeding mice to pythons, all the while unimpressed.  They have this little exchange where Rambo tells Michael Burnett, the leader of the
group, exactly what he thinks of his little mercy mission:

Burnett: So what I'm asking is that we compensate you for a few hours of your time that will help change people's lives.

Rambo: Are you bringing any weapons?

Burnett: Of course not.

Rambo: You're not changing anything.

Burnett: Well, it's thinking like that that keeps the world the way it is.

Rambo: [walking away] Fuck the world.

Stallone pulls this off very well.  I mean, you really get where he is coming from, and you see his point. He's seen enough killing for 10 lifetimes and in the last 20 years, nothing to him has changed at all.  He came to Thailand to get away from America and now Americans have tracked him down.  It hits close to home and he tells them to get fucked and leaves.

Not to be put off by this, one of the missionaries, Sarah Miller (Holy shit, it's Darla from Angel/Buffy!), follows Rambo and waits all night for him outside his room.  Of course she delivers a passionate speech that shows Rambo that not all is bad in the world.  She offers him the hope and redemption he thought was long lost, and against his better judgment agrees
to ferry them into Burma.

Now we get our second look at the military, led by the sadistic Major Tint, as they burn down a village, and take the children away to serve in the army.  These guys don't fuck around.  They shoot anyone who they damn well please, burn everything to the ground, rape the women and slaughter the
livestock.  These scenes are serious carnage and the body count racks up at a frantic pace.

After he pwns their village and leaves nearly everyone either dead or beaten to a pulp, he gives a little speech to whoever is left alive:

Major Tint: These boys are now our soldiers! They belong to me now! If you try to get them back your whole village will burn! If you ask the Karen Rebels for help I will cut out your tongues! If you go against me I will feed you your intestines! Hear me, believe me, and fear me!

What an asshole!  Just a note, Maung Maung Khin, the guy who plays Major Tint, was actually a Karen rebel!  So he's seen this shit first hand, and I have to say, for someone with no acting experience he really pulls it off, but then again.. it's not really acting for him, this is shit he has seen in his life and that only adds to the authenticity.

Also, after only 10 minutes of the film the body count has now surpassed 20, which is pretty damn high, but just wait because we are just getting started.

So Sarah gives her passionate speech to Rambo and now they are heading up river, but it can't be that easy, can it?  Oh fuck no!  It's the dead of night and Rambo has killed the engine in order to coast by a pirate camp on the shore.  These fuckers will cut your head off for looking at them funny (srsly) and Rambo doesn't want to fuck with them, which as to tell you they are fucking bad ass

The ploy doesn't work and now the pirates stop them in a heavily armed patrol boat, and boy are they pissed!  They get even more pissed when they see Rambo has a woman on board, because now they want her for a sex slave as well as all thier money.  Well fuck that, just as the situation is about to
explode, Rambo pull out a .45 and caps all of the pirates in gory fashion, stand over the last remaining one, steps on his hand as he reaches for his sidearm and then pumps 4 shots into his face at point blank range before kicking the corpse the fuck off of his boat.

Fuck me, I think I just came.

Of course Burnett is outraged because he's a pansy ass missionary and berates Rambo for saving his life.  "We came here to help stop the killing! Who are you...", well, you don't fucking back talk Rambo...  He grabs him by the throat and slamms him againt the wall. "Who are you?  They would have
raped her 50 times and cut your fucking heads off!  So who are YOU?  Who are any of you?" 

Rambo just reacted like a machine, he reverted back to his soldier training and being judged by the people back home was something he had to go through all his life, after Vietnam and now again by some holier than thou bible thumper?  Rambo nearly rips his fucking head off, literally, but Sarah steps in and gets him to drop the little whiner.

After some convincing, and despite his reservations, Sarah convinces him to go on, but she is about to wish she hadn't....
Because guess who shows up?  That's right Major Tint!  The attack on the village here is a fucking orgy of mayhem and destruction. People are blown apart by mortars, have limbs blown off, body parts mutilated, are shot at close range, burnt and ravaged.  Soldiers graphically rape women on screen,
bayonet a kid (yes, a fucking toddler) to death just for shits and giggles and throw a fucking baby into a fire!  A fucking baby!  I think I am about to cum again.. oh, baby where is the Vaseline?

They even open up with a .50 caliber machine gun mounted on a jeep at the escaping villagers and that motherfucker rips them the fuck apart.  I have never seen such brutality in special effects as I have in Rambo.  This shit
is fucking insane.  The body count for this scene alone has to be 50-100 people.  It is fucking brutal!  So brutal that some cinemas refused to play it!  You know it has to be good when that happens!

A few of the missionaries are blown the fuck up and mutilated, but Sarah, Michael and a few others are taken prisoner along with the surviving boys to be drafted into the army and the women to be used as sex slaves for the horny soldiers.

Death count thus far:  100+  After only 30 mins of the film, that is fucking hardcore.

Back home in his shack, Rambo is awoken from flashbacks of his life (clips of the last 3 films) by the pastor of the church the missionaries were from. They never came home, and the government is denying any knowledge of what happened to them.  Out of desperation, he has hired mercenaries, ex military
men for hire (Lead by the hilarious and hard as nails ex SAS officer Lewis) and he wants Rambo to ferry them upstream and drop them off at the exact spot where he dropped off the missionaries. 

The Karen rebels apparently know where the survivors are being held and will accompany them to the base,
they just need Rambo to show them the spot where he dropped the missionaries off.  Rambo, still touched by what the kindness shown to him by Sarah, readily agrees.

Rambo fashions a new blade for his boat motor and delivers a chilling monologue about himself as he works:

"You know what you are. What you're made of. War is in your blood. Don't fight it. You didn't kill for your country. You killed for yourself. God's never gonna make that go away. When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing.

Now were are introduced to the Mercs who have been hired to get the missionaries out the Military camp:

Lewis:  The leader and tough as nails old school SAS officer.  He doesn't give a shit about anything except his pay.  Never shuts up, makes hilarious and cynical jokes.

School Boy:  Sniper and ex SAS.  He and Lewis apparently know each other (possibly from the same unit?) as they seem to have a rapport.

Enjoo:  Asian dude, possibly ex American military.

Diaz:  Spanish dude, drinks a lot and smokes.  Nonchalant about everything.

Reese:  Ex Us Army, from the south, likes to sing blues tunes and has a lot of tats.  Played by Jake la Botz, who is an actual blues singer! 

They get to the spot and their 'guides' from the Karen rebels consist of a teen and kid!  Well fuck, to say the least they aren't impressed!  Rambo wants to come along but Lewis refuses.  He's old school and the boatman always stays with the boat, he leaves Rambo behind and they head for the
enemy camp, but stop at the village along the way and fuck me!  Heads on a stick, decomposing bodies, it looks great!

Oh snap!  The army shows up with a truckload of villagers to play that game they played at the beginning of the film again.  The mercs take cover and watch, and just as one of the prisoners is about to eat it the army officer
gets an arrow right through the head!  Rambo is back, and he brought his fucking bow... oh yeah! 

He fires arrows into the rest of them in graphic fashion, even nailing one right through the jaw, which we are treated to at close range.  As a bonus, he hits the last guy in the leg, lines him up as he hobbles away and drills him in the fucking face, sending him into the swamp and onto one of the mines they threw down, blowing him in half!

If having an erection at this point in the movie is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

They hi-jack the tuck and infiltrate the base to rescue the remaining missionaries.  Unfortunately, one of the survivors looked Tint in the eye and so they crucified him and cut his legs off allowing wild boars to eat him alive!  Holy shit, pwnage!

They manage to rescue the rest, but Sarah is taken away by a soldier for her nightly dose of rape, but tonight is not his lucky night because as he is taking off his pants, Rambo grabs him from behind and in one of the most brutal scenes in any action movie, rips out his fucking throat from behind with his bare hands.  I mean, it's not done quickly, it literally goes on
for about 20 seconds (yes, I timed it) as Rambo grunts and strains, ripping at this dudes neck until he breaks his windpipe and tears away flesh.

I think actual snuff films are less hardcore than Rambo is.  Truth.

Major Tint doesn't notice this because he had a call boy brought to his room earlier and is balls deep in 8 year old ass while the rest of the soldiers get drunk and abuse prisoners and take part in debauched activities.  This is my kind of movie!

Morning comes, the army realizes they have been fucked and gets the dogs out to track Rambo et all down.  Rambo is of course onto them, so he gets a claymore from Schoolboy, rips a piece of Sarah's shirt and becomes a decoy while the others get away.  Meanwhile, Lewis stepped on a mine and blew apart part of his leg, but the tough bastard isn't giving up and they carry his ass on a made up stretcher back to the boat.

Rambo plants the claymore and piece of Sarah's shirt by an unexploded bomb from WWII and lures a search part to it and BOOM.  That mofo goes up hardcore and wipes out another dozen or so dudes in graphic fashion.

Schoolboy and Sarah show up late at the boat, and good thing they did because the army has the rest of the group on their knees, beating the shit out of them.  Tint is beating them with a bamboo stick and Lewis, even though seriously fucked up, doesn't take kindly to this shit.

Lewis: "Gutless fuck! Come and have a go at me you lady-boy cunt!"

HAHAHA!  He's fucking hilarious!

Tint doesn't find it funny because he sticks the bamboo stick in his open wound!  Damn!

Just as they line them all up to be shot Rambo appears behind a unit parked on a hill.  A jeep, with a .50 machine gun mounted on the back, the same one as before... oh baby, I think you know where this is going!

He beheads the gunner with his killin' knife, loads the .50 cal and blows the drivers face off at close range, splattering skull and gore all over the shield and himself!  Holy shit!!!

He then proceeds to ass rape the entire army, .50 cal style. 

This final battle is where it gets great.  All fucking hell breaks loose.  The mercs scramble, stabbing, beating and bludgeoning anyone near them to death and grabbing weapons.  Rambo carves his way through the army with the .50 cal and then the Karen rebels show up!  Oh baby!  Death, destruction, mayhem, you bet!

Prissy boy Michael even grabs a rock and caves the skull in of one army dude who was going to kill him.  Just like Rambo said:  When you are pushed, killing is as easy as breathing.

As for the Mercs:

Lewis: Survives, even after having his leg fucked, being beaten to shit, tortured, and shot in the shoulder.

School boy: Survives. He mostly just camped out on a hill and sniped people.

Enjoo: Dead.  He eats a grenade.

Diaz: Dead. Lit on fire by the patrol boat in the battle

Reese: Survives.  He is seen mourning over Enjoo's body in the final scene.  Many people have said he died, but he appears at 1:14:39, and you can clearly tell it's him in the background because of his tats.

As the battle is winding down, Tint attempts to flee, but Rambo abandons the big gun, disappears and...

We see Tint running, we see him suddenly stop and... Oh fuck, look down Tint!  It's Rambo's knife sticking out from his gut!  He looks up, Rambo appears from behind a tree, looks him in the eye and tears him in half, literally.  What is left of Tint falls down a hill, insides spilling out as he falls.

Fucking epic.  You simply cannot imagine the brutality and carnage of this scene until you see it yourself.

Sarah and Michael are reunited, as Rambo watches on from a hilltop.

As the film ends, Rambo takes Sarah's advice from earlier in the film and goes back home to see if things really have changed.  He is in Arizona at his fathers farm, and we see him walking down the driveway as the credits role.

 
So, what did I think of this movie?  It's fucking amazing. Really.  I mean, I've seen it like 100 times and it just never gets old.  Maybe it's because I'm a sick fuck who enjoys snuff disguised as fine cinema or maybe because it's.. oh who am I kidding?  It's because I am a sick fuck, and if you are as well, then you will beat your cock (or vagina) raw to this depraved piece of cinema.

Final rating:

Action: 10
Body Count: 236 (I actually looked it up)
Deaths on screen per minute: 2.36 (Looked that up too!)
Times rambo takes his shirt off: 0
How stiff my cock was at the end regardless of above fact:  I had a hole in my cargo pants
Blood, gore and generally deprave and sick shit in this movie on a scale of 1-10: 20

Action fans and sick fucks unite. 

If Caligula were alive today, he would beat his cock raw to Rambo 4 nightly.  Fact.

It is no secret to those who know me or have spent more than 10 seconds chatting with me that I am a huge fan of 80's action flicks. The sweat, blood, corny one liners, half naked oiled up men, functioning on grit, determination and the love for their fellow man in arms that no woman could possibly understand. What isn't to like?

Today I would like to take a moment to talk about my all time favourite, and possibly the most awesome 80's action flick ever: COMMANDO!

So where to begin? Let's start with...

Plot:

Arnie is John Matrix, some ex bad ass special forces dude who now lives out in the woods with his daughter. The first time we see Arnie he is all oiled up, sweaty, carrying a 3 ft long chainsaw and a fucking tree over his shoulder just wandering through the woods! Dr. Freud is having a field day already.

So, the other members of Arnie's super special forces unit have all been killed off so his ex boss flies in via helicopter to inform Arnie of this and offer him protection. Sensing the helicopter from miles away with his super special forces sensory powers, Arnie hides in the bushes and sneaks up on the army dudes as they approach his house and sticks a gun right in his ex bosses back to which he replies:

“Silent and smooth, just like always.”

LOL WUT? My gaydar was already broken from the shirtless oiled up scene with the tree in lieu of a phallus from 10 seconds ago and now we are treated to this. Amazing, but it gets better, much better.

Surely enough the bad dudes show up and lay waste to Arnold's house, kill his army bodyguards and capture his daughter. Arnie returns to her room to find one of the bad dudes sitting in her room playing with one of her stuffed animals which leads to one of the most brilliant exchanges in 80's action (quote from IMDB).

Diaz: Mellow out man. We can't talk business with you waving guns in people's faces. Your daughter is safe, Colonel. Now whether she stays that way is up to you. My people, they got some business with you. And if you want your kid back, then you gotta co-operate, right?

Matrix: Wrong!

[shoots Diaz between the eyes]

Yes, he shoots the messenger in the fucking face with an assault rifle, pushes his pickup truck down a hill and uses it as a battering ram with him in it to take out a truckload of the kidnappers before being kidnapped himself by none other than Bennett, an ex member of Matrix's super special forces unit and also the single gayest villain in 80's action history!

Jesus fuck. The movie is already the raddest fucking thing in the history of cinema and it's only been running for like 10 minutes. Seriously, this is legendary shit.

Let's talk a little about Bennett, played by Vernon Wells. Dude, Bennet is like Freddy Mercury on roids.

Bennett:
- A crazy Aussie special forces dude with a flat top haircut
- handle bar mustache
- chain mail worn over a black tank top (fucking seriously)
- Leather daddy pants (again, fucking seriously)
- Likes to sneak up on men and stab them from behind with knives

I think that sums it up.

Towards the end of the movie the two have some great exchanges of homoerotic brilliance that simply cannot be ignored.

Matrix: Come on, let the girl go, just between you and me, don't deprive yourself of some pleasure, come on Bennett, lets party!

Bennett: I can beat you, I don't need the girl hahaha, I DON'T NEED THE GIRL!

Yes, we know Bennett doesn't need any girls, that's for damn sure!

There is also this gem:

Bennett: John, I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes. I'm going to shoot you between the balls!

Wow, he wants to money shot him right in the sac? Jesus fucking christ!

Not only does Commando have the market cornered on Teh Ghey in action flicks, but in hilarity as well. Arnie is sent to South America to off the el presidente of some country so the main bad dude can take power or he will kill his daughter. He sends Sully, who is fucking hilarious through the film, and Henriques to make sure Arnie gets on the plane and they have this great scene in the airport:

Sully: Here's twenty dollars to get some beers in Val Verde. It'll give us all a little more time with your daughter.

Henriques: Heh.

Matrix: You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last.

The delivery of this is fucking spot on and and I am ever having a shitty day I just think of Arnie saying this with a shit eating grin on his face and laugh my fucking ass off! Dude, it's brilliance!

So Arnie of course kills Henriques on the plane ("Don't bother my friend, he's DEAD tired" LOL) escapes, ends up hijacking a car that belongs to a flight attendant that Sully was hitting on at the airport, tracking sully down with said flight attendant (played by Rae Dawn Chong) and running him off the road. Arnie then drags his ass out of his car and holds him over a cliff.

Matrix: Sully, remember when I promised to kill you last?

Sully: That's right, Matrix! You did!

Matrix: I lied.

[Drops Sully]

LOLOLOL!

Fucking amazing!

So this leads to a hotel fight with Cooke, the awesome Bill Motherfukin' Duke

Cooke: You scared, motherfucker? Well, you should be, because this Green Beret is going to kick your big ass!

So Arnie offs him after a lengthy fist fight that involves barging into a room where a couple are having sex, and afterwards they find out where Jenny is being held and go to rescue her.

His daughter is also pretty fucking hardcore. Usually women in action flicks are there to be sacrificed in the name of homoerotic glory or to be killed off as punishment for tainting a mans cock with her vile vaginal fluids (this is not allowed in 80's action), but Jenny is hardcore.

When the main villain is patronizing her about how nice it will be to see her daddy again she replies without skipping a beat:

"Not as nearly as nice as watching him smash your face in."

Holy Shit! This chick is hardcore and she's only like.. 11? Amazing!

Commando also has one of the highest body counts of all action films, right up there with the new Rambo. I would estimate about 150 people are blown to shit, shot, stabbed, eviscerated, electrocuted, burned to death or just beaten to a pulp by Arnie's Austrian rage and massive biceps, or in the case of one unfortunate enemy, grabbed by the balls and hurled like a shotput. Yep, you read that right.

He also rides around in a dingy with nothing but a speedo on for like 2 mins in order to get to this secret island where his daughter is being held.

I mean, if you are going in undercover, why not go fully dressed in Camo or Special ops gear? Why go in nothing but a fucking skimpy speedo all ready pre oiled up? I can't figure out exactly... oh wait, I think we all know why, now don't we?!

So Arnie goes in, kills everyone, just beats the living shit out of even more guys, kills the warlord dude, has his showdown with Bennett, and for the climax, Bennett threatens to shoot him in the balls after a knife fight (remember, knives = cocks in 80's action) and Arnie rips a fucking pipe off the wall the size of a small redwood and hurls it through Bennett's chest saying "Let off some steam, Bennett" to close the film.

Fucking amazing.

Final Rating:

Action: 10
Homoeroticism: 10
One Liners: 10
Body Count: 10
Radness: 10

Seriously, I cannot sum up the greatness of this film if I tried. You simply must see it for yourself. So go out and experience the raddest film of all time for yourself!

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