"Why hello. Nice to meet you. You look a little chilly my dear, why don't I get the fire going? There, that's better. Drink? But of course, champagne with a splash of Vimto it is. There you go.
I suppose I should tell you a little about myself - obviously I'm a man of culture, as you can see from my collection of leather bound books and the smell of rich mahogany that lingers in the air. Ignore all those graphic novels and DVD's, they're... someone else's.
In fact, you're probably wondering why a man of my taste, my elegance and wealth is standing before you tonight at all. Well, I have a confession. Despite my successful career as a journalist, quiz show host and writer, and my current directorship of a popular app design company, I have discovered that there is one thing that money can't buy.
And no. It's not a dinosaur - I have one of those.
No my dear, the answer is love, that elusive bee sting on the heart that we all secretly pray for. Wait, let me put a record on. Anything you'd like to hear? Aqua - the greatest hits?" *grits teeth* "An excellent choice, young lady."
"Where was I? Ah yes. I'm looking for someone to hold, kiss and miss - someone to love with and laugh with, who will go on adventures and travels and share secrets in the dark. Someone who'll let me become their own personal cartographer. Someone who'll hold hands in the rain, and who'll pretend not to see my tears in the cinema. Come on, the end of Toy Story 3? Forget about it, I'm only human.
But, I'm just waffling now, and I can see by the sly smile on your face that you didn't come here to be lectured. Let me sit beside you and gaze into your eyes as the thunder cracks outside and the whole damn world falls apart. Because all I need is you, this bottle of red wine, and this Breaking Bad boxset. Oh, and probably a big mug of hot sweet tea in the morning to counteract the inevitable pounding champagne headache. Cheers!"