I thought I could tell you about my makeover on Channel 4's "Gok's Style Secrets", but I was worried you might fob me off as one of those reality TV show muppets. If you want to see me looking like a plank though, you can search YouTube for "Zoe Gok's Style Secrets". I'm in the last 10 minutes of the episode.
Then I thought I could just post a list of my accomplishments, my Cosmopolitan award-winning blog, my best-selling book, the articles I've written for magazines like SFX, the successful iPhone games I've created, but I thought that I might look like Braggy McBraggerson, from Bragtown, USA - and frankly, if ladies wanted to sit around reading CV's they could go and work in HR. "So what then?" I thought, as I tripped over a loose paving slab, narrowly missing a lunging zombie, and conveniently demonstrating my dual mutant abilities of extreme clumsiness and luck.
"It's not as if I can just say that I'm a super relaxed, well-maintained, lovely guy who gives good chat, is extremely respectful and non-controlling, but also knows how to give you the butterflies with a single look? I can't just tell you that I like culty things, and cultural things, and ambition, and pin-ups, and kink, and cooking, and comics, and Mario Kart, and art, and travel, and japes, and auteurs, and vinyl, and weirdness, and dusty old books, and adventures and kissing and laughing."
I paused for a second, as zombie crept up behind me. "**** it," I thought. "I'll just write that I like staying in and going out, and watching movies, and breathing. That'll do." And then I hit the zombie in the face with a dustbin lid.