Oh em gee. A wall of text. If you have a sixth grade reading level or above, you can get through this in under 10 minutes. "Where's the keynotes edition?" Feel free to skim. It's not entirely offensive if you resist to indulge. There won't be a quiz.

I'm not a bar-hopping, promiscuous, adrenaline-fiending 'teen'. I'm probably more of the avoidant, "let's do book club and then castrate the phallic community" while sipping some wine, fun-sucking broad. Wow, now that's the epitome of sexy.

I've attempted to find the value in this website a time or two before. I'll claim success when I manage to keep my profile deactivated for a year or more. What, morbidity! If I show some hairy leg, will you sweet-talk me with your finest example of concupiscence?

That being said, no, I'm not polyamourous. I'm not interested in FWB, NSA, or any other sexually charged scenarios. This isn't Craigslist. I thought I made that clear in my other rewrite, but a good majority still centred on the subject. Maybe people just don't know how to read. Which is even more reason to keep you out of my bed, off my kitchen counter, the wall, the backseat, the top of the dryer... whatever.

Based on my experiences (past and present), I feel as if adding photos to this site sexualizes myself, but being that society focuses so heavily on appearance in terms of attraction - I've added shots to lure in a dabble of interest. You know, because people speak more to my breasts than my face. Okcupid not providing a newsfeed if you choose to not indulge your vanity may have something to do with it as well. Shame on you, OKC. Shame on you!

If you really must know, I want to be the girl who posts so many unflattering photos that when you actually meet me in person, your first thought is "HOT DAMN!" But goddamnit, that hasn't happened yet. I'll try harder.

I've provided a link to my Facebook for your perusal. It's not necessarily for you to add (and realize, I may not even accept), but I know it's the surest way to snoop into my life and see how I normally interact amongst my family and colleagues. It's publicly available, why not?

I've been mistakenly accused of being a dude, as well, so this is to also alleviate your worries of harbouring a penis. Vayjayjay all the way.

Facebook Perusal

[link not offered through okcupid app]

I'm slowly taking steps toward achieving the title of Sexuality Counselor and hopefully developing a business around it someday to encourage openness and to help others identify and harness their sexuality.

On a more day-to-day basis, I'm slaving to the woMAN and wondering if maybe a street corner and 50$ tricks (inflation, man, inflation) hold more mental stimulation. Hey, at least it'd help with real-time study and analysis of the previous run-on sentence of a paragraph. **This probably won't be the last time you hear of hookerisms.**

...ignoring men who can't seem to resist the urge of posting a shirtless pic. Maybe it's my gayness not appreciating your 12-pack or that super cute beer gut. Using the argument of women's cleavage being of the same degree (as justification) is juvenile thinking. Sorry, but how is it logical to compare nips to no nips? Nudity to non-nudity? Try again.

...dancing when there is no music. Literally. Even dancing to the most ungrooveworthy music ever -- ie: Cannibal Corpse/Slayer. I break it down, real proper-like.

...writing erotic / religious / socially askew poetry, or what can be loosely described as "poetry."

...vocalizing the most loathsome noises possible. I'm an alto but that means nothing when I squeak, shriek, and giggle in a way to make your ears bleed. I find it endearing. I'm looking for someone who agrees with this assessment.

...making people slightly uncomfortable when I hold gazes for far too long? I don't understand why this weirds anyone out; eye contact revs my engine.

...answering a question with a question.

...being mistaken for Asian/Islandish. Including on, but also outside, the scope of the internet. Though since I bleached my hair, now people just squint at me, looking me over for an uncomfortable stretch of time, only to ask, "what are you?" I'm pretty sure this is causing a self-identity crisis. Also, stop being igno, my username has nothing to do with the above. Sound it out. Still lost? Google that shit.

...spelling out, as well as sounding out, acronyms and other such words. Oh Em Gee! Elle Oh Elle! Em-effer! Add opting for British spellings over American English. Abusing grammar with my overuse of hyphens, brackets and overall interjectory text, and ellipses. Quirks.

...injecting romance into the most menial of tasks, activities, thoughts, conversation, whathaveyou. Conversely, possessing an awfully dirty mouth and taking said ho-hum-ness into raunchy places.

Personally, I feel as if there should be a section labeled "I'm not really good at" so I can admit my alleged flaws without seeming like I have zero self-worth.

Trendsetter! I'll sum it up with quickness.

I'm not really good at:

...this thing called "sanity." I'm emotionally needy when in the throes of passion (see also: jealous; possessive, female), perversely unyielding, as well as highly analytical and argumentative, though only really used to test how well a person can stand on their own. Good G-d, I can be really mean.

Is it too soon to mention how I'm a mawkish wreck who feels it's incredibly healthy to weep every day? Yeah, and even with all that, I consider myself a keeper.

...getting rid of my ghetto booty. The giggly bastard follows me around everywhere. Do my genes indicate what's in my jeans?

...taking a photo without a warped expression on my face. Smiling makes me look like a prepubescent girl. I'll post anything BUT that.

...not being a "bitch" apparently (that's just a synonym for sassy, right)? I hear it thrown around more often than not in replacement of my name. It's becoming a term of endearment. There's a thing to be said about originality, people.

I've been told on plenty of occasion I resemble a Bratz doll. Awesome -- a slutty, bug-eyed, disproportional, high maintenance fashionista with a propensity for spine-crackingly high, platformed heels and mini-er than mini skirts and dresses.

Onward: my eyes, though I haven't the slightest idea as to why anyone would have an interest in the glorious colour of poo. This is aside from my facial/bodily piercings (19 altogether) and overall racial ambiguity, of course.

EDIT: Message after message has confirmed that people notice my chesticular attributes as the initial stand-out. Hey, a push-up bra does wonders. Don't have pockets? Need to set your phone down, or find a place to store your keys? I present my cleavage to protect your valuables. Flesh pocket, for the win. Note: if it doesn't fit, I have other orifices.

Personality-wise; my outspokenness. I fear I have no shame anymore with the sort of topics I choose to discuss in front of others. Maybe people find that refreshing, rather than obnoxious? Hallelujah.

**To those who don't think it's appropriate to list anything here: Let's not act like no one's ever given you a compliment before. And if they really haven't (blippity blop), don't be a putz and act like you've never experienced a moment of vanity.**

Favourite Books:

Coma Therapy; Valencia; A Time to Kill; The Green Mile; The Bell Jar; Black Boy; The Long Hard Road Out of Hell; Martyn Pig; We Caught You Plotting Murder; Queer and Loathing; etc

Favourite Movies:

Mr.Brooks; Dahmer; Green Mile; Harlem Nights; May; Inside; Kissed; Vanilla Sky; Ink; Eve's Bayou; The Gift; TaxiDriver; American Beauty; OldBoy; Onmyoji I & II; Breathless; See You After School; I Saw The Devil; Pain(ed); Ip Man; The Good, The Bad, The Weird; Raid: Redemption; What Dreams May Come; The Weatherman; The Fountain; Win! Win!; The Heathers; FEAR (oh my wahlberg); Dead Snow; The Thing; God Bless America; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; The Other Guys; The Life Before Her Eyes; Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog; Repo! The Genetic Opera; House of Sand and Fog; Thank You For Smoking; FaceOff; Midnight Meat Train; Red State; etc.

Dramatic films -- aces. Go ahead and add all movies by Park Chan-Wook and Quentin Tarantino.

Favourite Shows:

Dexter; Carnivale; TrueBlood; My So-Called Life; Daybreak; Deadwood; Six Feet Under; Trigun; Cowboy Bebop; Death Note; Ugly Americans; Happy Endings; Lie to Me; Community; The West Wing; Key & Peele; Tosh.0; South Park; RuPaul's Drag Race; 1 Girl 5 Gays; Jeffery and Cole Casserole (any homosexual programming, really); It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia; etc. This may seem like I sit in front of the télé for hours on end, but most of what I enjoy(ed) has been cancelled or has run its course so...

"I'm not a bum because the TV's on." Listening to Jimmy Eat World, however, is debatable.

If you noticed my misquote, then we should probably make babies. Now. It's predestination. To not act is a will against G-d. Think about it and get back to me.

Favourite Music:

Celldweller; Katatonia; Sinch; Sikth; Black Flood Diesel; Tool; A Perfect Circle; Puscifer; Nine Inch Nails; Zion.T (holy sexin'); Big Bang; Exo-K; BAP; Shinee; Beast; Jay Park; Taeyang; Peter Gabriel; Raunchy; Middle Class Rut; Sneaker Pimps; IAMX; Alison Krauss; Imogen Heap; Gotye; Wye Oak; Norah Jones; Enya; Florence and the Machine; Bat for Lashes; Asking Alexandria; BlesstheFall; Extropy; Assassination Project; Shinedown; Duran Duran; Into Eternity; DanceGavinDance (but only material with Jonny Craig -- I don't care if he's a cracked out douchebag, his voice melts my soul); Mevadio; Deaf Havana; Devil Wears Prada; Attack Attack; Brother Ali; Bring Me the Horizon; We Came As Romans; Jeff Buckley; MrNorth; Sade ('cause I'm a soldier of love); Demon Hunter; Woe, Is Me; The Word Alive; The Birthday Massacre; Boil; BT; Alesana; Miss May I; Zeromancer; Blue Stahli etc. I listen to artists of all genres -- my collection has quite a bit of electronica, industrial, and metal (and by metal, I mean metalcore) however. Yeah, my tastes are pretty generic.

Favourite Food:

Greek -- Athenian Salad / Gyros (real or faux meat); Asian -- garlic eggplant

Any dish that inspires my senses, really. I'm pretty fixated on garlic, onion, and any kind of hot pepper (jalapeno, banana, cherry, etc). Delish.

a) Entire Musical Library
- coincides with emotional health

b) Mobile Device
- calculator
- retrieval of bank statements
- notepad
- calendar

c) Parchment
- document free flow of thought with the help of the below, read: G2

d) Pack of G2 Pen
- assorted colours, see above.

e) Incense / Body Oil
- relaxation
- meditation

f) Bagels
- nom nom
- garlic, poppyseed, onion

Paula Deen's candles almost made the list. Almost. And please don't get me started on dark chocolate covered pomegranates. You'll die and go to Heaven. ...Even if you don't believe in it. Dark chocolate covered pomegranates will literally erect Heaven just for marketing purposes.

...interpersonal communication. People intrigue me and I feel it's my responsibility to peel back the layers and unravel who they are (deep down) rather than who or what they are trying to come across as.

...why, in films and television, women always tend to sleep while still wearing a few elle-bees of makeup? If real women did such a thing, we'd all be pock-marked blotchy bags of flesh. Wash your face, lot lizard!

...why balding men don't just shave the patches off and adopt a Mr. Clean sort of lifestyle? Bald men are incredibly attractive. Give it a go, sugar. I spent a bit of time with a shiny dome, myself; you wouldn't want a woman to upstage you -- now, would you?

...why manners have seemed to take a backseat in society? It's not "no" -- it's "no, thank you." Not "what?" but "pardon me?". Not "fuck you" but "fuck me."

...why drug use is so prevalent. I suppose not everyone is capable of the 'natural high' ; life.

...why the women who contact me are all immature bobbleheads who are stuck in the trend phase of gayness. Eff off.

...how sexist I find the term "motherfucker." Fatherfucker it is now, bitches.

...how I'm beginning to see a correlation between the enemy percentage and physical appearance. The larger the percentage, the bigger the douche. "Hey bro, can I borrow some Axe? Any idea why my pillowcases are orange? Why don't they make Ed Hardy brand cornflakes? My bicep is bigger than my brain- derp."

...why men on here post pictures of themselves with a bunch of women or the alternate, a woman with a bunch of men -- I have no use for a pimp or a prostitute.

...how widespread foot fetishes really are.

...why I'm only ever approached by black males, and poorly at that. "Mmm, you must be a freak!" Um, no, I'm a lady who possesses far more than a pair of tits and a vagina. Recognize. Dear other races, I may look odd but I'm pretty on the inside (and look better with the lights off)!

...deep, passionate I'm-Going-To-Tar-The-Fuck-Out-Of-You-If-You-Don't-Hold-Me-Close sort of love.

...what "your profile is too long to read" really means and why I continue to tap out addendums on an already lengthy profile. I've chalked it up to a subconscious effort to turn people off. It's working!

At the Max -- distracting the bouncers with charming conversation and irresistibly good looks, playing pool (badly), drinking cheap beer (.50 cent refills), and juking like an almighty goddess.

Or in the comfort of my own home, using my bedroom as my personal dance studio, slow-grinding to some Dok2.

I once had a six-foot, two-hundred pound well-known UFC fighter serenade me with "Under The Sea" while he followed me around my workplace? This shit doesn't happen every day.

When I sit on a toilet, my feet dangle. The most precious gift in the world would be a stool. Please and thank you.

There exists some awkward, unexplainable allure -- allure may be too strong a word because I definitely don't seek out any of these qualities as it's just a curious draw -- with those of Asian descent (you exotic koalas, you) and blue eyes (mentioned elsewhere, I enjoy eye contact but light eyes throw me off my grind); not necessarily in combination. I'm a suh-suh-sucker.

This also contained a portion about gingers (purely the striking contrast of colour against the skin), but then too many of them started contacting me thinking I was going to throw my virtual panties in their direction. Simmer down, y'all! This is my taxicab confession.

I despise sarcasm. I'm not sarcastic. I'm just an ass.

I'm still bitter about a spelling bee I lost in the 2nd grade. And yes, I remember the word on which I fumbled. Shockingly enough, this event triggered a psychological phobia. The word is a place; the place is one I refuse to step within. I was forced once and left with soggybottoms (read: I wet myself). How's that for a secret? Please. Lets chat about it.

Okay, fine, that last sentence was sarcasm.

...this is love to you. If I have to switch the lights off, I want to switch them off with you.

[links not offered through okcupid app]

...you want to become my unhealthy obsession. I pledge to fantasize about you more often than I do Paul Giamatti and Lee Byung-hun combined. Don't let that fool you, it's a hard thing to accomplish.

...you can remind me to cut back on my salt intake - because I will downright skank for sodium.

...you understand that "activity partners" does not include sexual activity.

...you aren't on here exclusively for sex. Sorry, not interested in a romp in the sack with a) you b) you and your girlfriend c) you, your girlfriend and both sets of your parents d) you, your girlfriend, both sets of your parents and the collective household pets, etc.

...your eyes are more expressive than words. Trust, I've met more people with nothingness in their peepers than I'd like to believe. I shy away from these characters because I equate them to passionless.

...you won't propose edits to my profile. The way it's written will not change.