I unfortunately have the inability to understand how people are it seems. First they seem fine, then they seem unhappy and there's nothing I can do about it.

I need to understand more things, I need to understand people, I need to grasp onto what makes them tick, I need to understand what brings a being to get up in the morning if they have lost hope, on life, on everything. I need to understand what is it that I just can't let go, and why can't I let go? I need to understand what drives a person to be social when they aren't. What drives someone to do things they don't want to do? Why do things if you don't want to?

I also need to understand the kinetic need to have something as biological as sex mean something. I just simply don't understand how something as small as that can go ruin relationships, people, ideas; is it because of the way mankind has been raised? Does it HAVE to really mean something if it just feels great? Does everything have to have some kind of meaning as well?

I think I need to take up some other hobby, maybe a violin, maybe actually cast aside this curtain, perhaps then I can understand what goes through a person's mind if I do more things, be more sociable. Maybe if I act enough like a human being I can better understand what it is to be a human being, and maybe understand my self worth issues.

To establish further, I will keep update on this journal as sort of a way to extend my reach to becoming a better person

T̫̩̙̥͈̟̞̂͒ͪo̎ͤ҉͓̜̼̰͖̙̲͍ ͬͬ̐ͮ҉͓̜̻̫í̮̞̗̩͕̻͖͕ͥ̉̅͟͢͞n̶͔̲͚̘͋͌ͨ̽̓͘v͆͑́ͦ̉͏̜̻͕o̠̞̤͚̩̟͉̩ͣ͒̽̇ͨ̌̒k̡͙̙̻̭̱̠̹̭̀e̩̲͓͇̫̹̰̽̅̋ͅ ̺͔̝̋̎͊̑̕t̵̡ͮ͊̅̽͏̖̠͇̺̹͔͙̳̺h̥͔̼̹͒ͨ̽͋ͯ́͢͡ę̜͙̘͓̖̪͋ͣ̓͡ ̶̨̟̓͆̋̂ͧ̽͟h̜̦͇͉͈̦ͯͮ͊ͮͪ͑͌͟͞i̥̭͓̯͖̒ͬ̑̓͌v̤͓̊͑͊̚͜ê̂̔̎҉̟̦̝̳͇̦-͖̠̞ͫ̃͒̉ͤ̄̈ͨmͣ͑̅͗̌͞҉̹̻̳̦̠̪͢i̥̪̬͍͙̯̣ͬ̐̿ͧͪ̕n͖̻ͦ͊ͧ͂̽̚̚͟ͅd͙̖͉̲͈͉͑́̉͆̚ͅ ̭̱͇̪ͤ̀͞r̸̫̯͎̻̳̙ͪ̾̔̈́̌̔͂̒͟e͗͑͋ͩ͗̽҉̸̘̤̳̞p̓̋̋́̄͒ͪ҉̩̬̫̩̦̳̹̤̕r͔͕̗͍̩̣͙͔͂ͦ̒ͤͣ͞ê̻̦͕̘̝̱͙̪̓̍̎̑̓͐ṡ̴̷͇̼̻̤͖ͩ̓͒̏̆ͧ̓ȩ̶͔̫̠̰̦̣̹̑̎͂n̦̯̝̜͙͓͆̈̏͐̃͒t̷̰̗̲̺ͫ̆̓̔̿ͥ̒ͦ͞i̴̩̮͕ͨ̍͋n̶̥̱͎͇̱͖ͯ̋ͩg̱̤̱̬̗̫̯̏̅͒̇̔́ͭ̋͢ ̸̨͔̝͙̲̣̥͇ͫ̽ͣç̶̡̹͈͚̩̼̫̣͔̺̔̊̌ḥ̷̹̟̭̖̦̓̇ͮͤ̍ä̳͙̻͕̹́̋ͧͤ̚͟ô̺ͩͬ͐̐͐ͩ͢ŝ̥͎͓̬͕̼̠̋̍̏̕.̮͙͇͎̌ͦͩ͛ͮ͐́͠ ̴̡̗̰͍͐̌̄̎ͧ̒́
̶̮͍̺͖̿ͨ̐͆̀I͉̯̺̬̞͓͓ͮͥ̎̈̏̋̽ͩ̀ņ̨̛̥̪͓̜͈̑ͨv͕̻̭̉̎́̀o̴̪͖̎ͧk̥̗̺͍͇̺̀ͦͧͣͩi̡̡̗̱̜͑͌͑ͨ̀n̪̥̘͖̙̦̾̈͜g͎̫̫̙̘̃̍̓͡ ̨̖͔̙ͭ͊̓̈͑́t̍͗ͦ̉̇̈́͏̙͉͝h̷̨̺̙̓ͤͯ̐͗͘e̙͎̫ͩ͒̈̐̾ͭͦ̚ ̷̧̯͓ͩ̒̋́̒͟f̵̘̼͖̞̫̱̪͛̓̒̃̽̈ͪ͌͢ę̸͕̻͕̻̰͌̐̊́e͐̂ͩ͏͍̠̙̩͙̤̳l̮͖͔͔͚̫̺͇̾̅́ͣ͛͑͊ͫ́̚͘ḭ̡̪͓̞̤̌͂ͫͤ̿ͨ͋̐̉͝n̦̞̟̟̜͛ͪ̚g̸͇̹͌̽̍ͭ̓ͮ̐͢ ͎̫̄̄͋o̧̙͌ͮ̎ͪ̍ͪ͛͡f̛̩͔̥̝̮̍͐̒ͪͧ̍͌̊ ͨ͒͗ͩ̋̍̚̚͏̻c̷̵͈͖̱͚͍͙̿ͦ̄͑̈͆̓̍h̬̥̤̭͓͕͂̌a̶̧̪͓̣̩͍̩̳̝̺ͤͮ̐̉̐͋͆̈́͛́o̸̻̠̻̣̥͒̏̇̒ͩ̅͝ŝ̥̻̗̟̱͇̳̪̍̅ͣͨͪ̇ͦ̕ͅ.̣̹̝̽̔̆̉͌ͯ̊̚ͅ ͖̣͓͈̲ͧ̈̓̑͆̋̽̓ͅ
̩̬͖̳̭̈́̔ͯ̀̕͜W̷̻̙̲̺͕͓̖͕̘̔̄ͫ̓͐͘i̷̅͐ͬ͆ͣͧ́̋̚͘҉͕̦͙͕̬̺t̙̠̂̈́̏̀ḩ̜̠̤̪̹ͮ̿̈́̊ ̨̪̹̟̻͈̗̳ͬ͐̍̾͌̉̓̎ͪͅo͖͈̘͇̼͙͆̊ͨ̂ͥ͗ͦ̀̚͜ű̷̫̘̙͙ͅṯ̫̰̮̠͓͙́̏̇̏ͨ͋̿ͅͅ ̫̹̲̈ͬ͑̂́ṏ̠̯̦͚͋͊́̋̚̕͠r̨̬̯̹̥̍̐̌d̺͒̽͜ę̫̼͎̣̼͍̤̟͑͑̔̊̇̇ͤ͟ṛ̲͍̀̅̌̋͐ͦ͟.̂̌̀͟͏̮͍̹̫͚ ̤̭̬̳̗̠̱̥̟͌͋ͭͫ͋̚
̛̄҉͍͕͔̥̣̳̤T̪̦͙̯̆̓̾ͫͥ̂͐́͢͡ͅh̦͇̘͎̝̀͂ͥͣ̀͛̕͞e̷̼͙͖ͩ̆͆̋̇ͫ̀ ̸̡͕͔̗̦̝̦̱̭̩ͣ͊ͧͩ̋ͭ͛ͩ̽͟N͓̹̻̗͓̍̋͛̿͊̃̊̅͒́e͔̮̩̲͐͂͆ͫ̀̍z̖̬̬̍̆͒ͅp̟̟̣̀̌́̚͜͠ẻ͍̰ͦ͌́r̝̼͍̱͇͖͕̳͊̓ͣͣ̃͘d̵̯̖̗̰͈̙̥͉͈̓͑ͣͨͮ͋́̆͘iͫ̃̿̃̀̑̃͏͈͙͖̲̬͍̲̠̕ͅà̶̛̠̻̪̘̼̠̩̯̀̆̄͡n̯̼͉̭͈̻͖͛͒̏ͯ̓͟ ̓ͤ҉̠h̘̖͋̅͂i̩͉͈̦̯̬͓͌ͧ́͡͡͞vͮͤ̎̑ͥ̉҉̶̠̠̙̲͚̘ẹ̥̼ͨ̌ͤͩͭ̀ͮ͟͞-̡̠̤̳̬̪̘̈̎̔ͪ̿ͨm̳̹̲̼̊̅̾̅i̷͍̘͉̲͖̳͙̿͂̆͒̇n̡̲̫̠̲̹̙̼ͯ̔̈́̊̈ͪ̃͠ḍ̙̀ͤ͌́͝ ̢̗͉̭̏̉̈́͗͆͂ͅŏ͔̗̣̥͗̾̀͗̄ͨ̚̕͜͝f͎̬͎̩̏̓̋ ̤͕̦̥̳̬̱̹̍͡c̨͇̯̈́̇̿̌ͩ͑̚͝h̵̖̺̍̏͑̀ͭ̃͂̀aͨ͐̂ͦͦͣͤ͗͆͟͏̵̬̪oͧ̒͆҉̜̪͎s̴̢̢̝̱̠͔͍̖̹͈̄̃̅ͪ̃.̭̼̠͈ͤ̆̎͡͡ ̥̗̥̎̍ͬ̆Z̫̟̙̀̌ͯ̇ȧ̴̬͖̟́̾̎ͤͬͤ͜l̤͎̹͖̮̜̼͇̇̐ͦ̆̀͜͞g̴̛̪͖̰̒̑̂̈́ͨ͂ͧ̚͞ơ̧͙̭̼͍̱͍͔̠̽̈́ͭ͂͛̓ͬ.͕̃̑̓̂̊̎̽ ͖͓̺̹̲̃̃̑̎̉̚ ̼̤̉ͫ̇̏̀̚͢
̵̛̩̣̺̯̀ͮ̊̄͒͝H̦̮̮̫̳̘̖ͤ́ͬ̍e̖̻̰̦̽̅͋ͫ̋̍͗͗̓͟ ̢͚̜͇̤͈̮̯̽̏̑wͬ̀͂̏҉̧̪̗̺̳h͚͙͇̠̞̥͓̞̿̏͠ò̸̵̗̰̞͉̱̱̟̑ ̸̨͙̰̳͕͕͖̱̎̓ͨ̃̋̀̇ͨW̐̾҉̷̪̰ḁ̡͆͗͒̿̾̌ͥ́͜i̵̯̜͔̩͂̉͂ͧ̄́̚͢ͅt̵̴͚̫͉͇̯̞̜̪̹͒́͢s̻͇̫͙̬̞͐ͤ̀͂ͤ̐ͤ̍ͅ ͋̐̈́̽ͯ̆̓҉̤͇̺͎͍̰͢B͗ͨ̒͆ͭ͑̀̚̚͏̰ë̼̙̺͙̝́͗̉͢͝h͖̼͈̟̥͎͎ͭͫ̓͋̌̀i̭̟̼̳͕̬̖̮̐ͯͭ̓n̷̴͕̪͇̞̘̤̔͝d̝̤̅͊͟ ̧̧̛̤̙̫̪̭͕͌̓T̷͉̣͕̮̗͓̞̿̉̿ͧ̽̽͛ͅhͪͭ͛͏̬̬ͅͅë͙̥͇̯͎̺̥́ͅ ̸̗̞̦̮͒ͧͪ͒͗̓ͨ̾̐́ͅW̲͔͖̘̖̓͂̓̇͛̐̔̌ă̢͕͔̓͝͞l̗̲̯ͨ͋̐l̸̤̜͕̥͔͍̋͛͆ͣ̒̋.̶̖̙̭̟̖̪̾ͨ̃̿̀̚ ̸̥͙̖͉̟ͪ̕
̴̶̪̺͋͊͊̊ͮ͌̊̇͘ͅZͩͬ̑͐̓̏̈́͏̢̰̝͞A̴̲̱̅͛́̒̈ͮ̉̇Ļ̡̠͍̪̍͆̔ͫͦ̕G̶̡̡̲̥͎͎ͤ̿̿ͧ̒̔̃̌O̘̫̺̦̖̝̮͊̀ͅ!̳͓͔ͯͧ̔̕

Hͣ̂ͣͭ͐͑ͫ̚҉̮̫̖̪̠̪͓͠e̶̮͉͚̦͖͎͍̒ͮ͝ ̧̡̽̈̒̿͒҉͚̯͉̜s̷̡̤̭̗̫͍̟̪̔̃͝t͓͙̰̞̯͍̝̤̔̿̍̾͟á̴̴̹͇̦̜͕̖̂̕n̴̨̼̣̩̈́͒͆̍͡ḑ̵̜͎̮̝̗̓́s̶̢͔̤͇͇̞̺͛ ̡̣̮̤̖ͭ̐̏͗̽͗a̭͎̹͖̩̝̿̑̈́͗̔ͦ͞ͅt͈͍̖̠͓ͥ̆͢ ̻̼̣̑ͯ̒̔ͩ̾̍̈́̕t̶̫̪͖̖̍̆ͤ̋h̛̥̹̬̥͍͈͇̣̭ͫ͟͝ẻ̦̙̜͙̺̗͈ ̷̛̥̬̼͓̞̝͙̪̻̊ͣę̛̺̺̼͈̝̠͎͆͟d̲̦̞̫̏̽͌͌͑̃̏g͓̘̮̹͔̗̪ͫ̔̌̇ͩẽ̵̯̥͉̹̤̣̣̳̄̅ͬ ̢̥͎̼̣͖̤͔̔̏͐ͯͩ̄o̸̮͎̯ͧ̄̍͑͆ͥͨ̈́͞f̲̖͍̼̲͙͓̲̾ͦ͊ͅ ̸̻̞̱͎̿͌̾̒̐̚t̴̉͂̒ͦ̓̆ͭ̒͞҉͈̻̺͎̪̟̹h̞͇͙̖ͯe͇̫͍͚̩̬͇̹ͫ̔͂͟ ̺̱͉̪̟̘͔̇̋ͪu̧̐ͣ͋͏̯ņ̶͓̰̲ͯͧ͋̑̾̑͠iͤͩ̆ͮ̿͏̩̞̫͈̖̼̞ͅv̩̤̭͔̩̳̭̿͆ͤ̽͒ͭ̊̚̕e͔̺̥͚̱̝͌͆̐̊͛ͪͪ͘r̩̿ͧ̐ͨ͊͋̀š͍̥ͪ̑͟e͒̊͏̢̢͈̭,͊̒҉̵̣̻̜̣͍͜ ̢̫͌͛͂̒b̹̠̥͗ͨe̫̞̝̦̠͓̰̟͌̐ͦ̂͘͜͟h͉̔̈̑̽ͣ͡i̮̺̝̗̬̦͙ͦͥ̄ͦ̈́͑́͠ṅ̙͍͆ͮd̸͚̬̀ͭ̄̈́̔̎ ̺͔̻̰̪͂͡t̸̯̲̜̙͉̫̹ͨ̔ͥͩͥ̚h̪̲̳̀̆͝ȇ̩̭͇͎̦̭̬͉̄͒ͤ͊ͨͫ͢͝ ͇̞̮̗̭͕ͨ̌́ͅw̨̞̟̫̠̰̯͍͙͈͆ͮ̄ä̛̭̠̫̗̃̈ͫ͋̅ͅl̷̡̝̩̙̺̾̌́̎̓ͧͫl̵͉̦̖̬̠̪̻͊̌ ̺̲̟̩̻̞̰͈͖ͫ̂o̸̹̫͙͉͍̺̎ͭ͋̎ͮ́̒̕f̑́ͥ͏̣̬̖̹̫̘ ̸̲̝̫̳̇͋ͬ͂̀s̮͇͕̝̰̼̗ͯ͛̊̈́ͯ͟ͅp̃̑̈̀̽͊ͦͧ҉͚͚̰͡a̷̦͎̯̻̭ͥ̂̾͂c̈́̃͝͏̻̯̣ěͫͤ̇̀͏̱̣̰̠̦̦ ̶̙̗͔̭̖̲̱͚̝̈́̆̊ͮͥͤ́ã̧̭̝̦̟͆̂ͥͩ̎̓͂ͧ͜͝ņ̛͔̱̘͈̣̫̜̳̋̔͊̄d̡̠̲̭̣͋ͫ̄ ̟̞̳̯ͣ̌̔ͧ͆̎͋̂̂t̪̲̘͑̎ͮ́͆͐ͧ͒͝͡ĭ̳͉ͭ͜m̻̮͇̮̤̺̗ͫ̋͜e͌̓̂̈́̂ͤͤ̿ͭ҉̦̣͔͙́͘,̅̒̄҉͉͇̞ͅ ͌͊͏̖̩͉̗͕͖͘c͈̭͕̭̰͇͉̣̣͆̓͗̋̈̾̓l͙̜̉̈́ͯ̚͢â͑̓͑ͮ̅̈́̏͠͏̜͓̪͇ḍ̥̘͎̏̏̆̀̃ͧ ͙̌͌ͥ͟ỉ̯̩͎̮͇̯̱̳̃͞n̨̧̫̮̬̑̐ͫͥ̇͊́́ ̰͎̮ͬ͡a͉̝̮͔̻̖͆r̞̬͓͖͈͙̙̪̽͝m̲͉̯̌̅o̡̡̫͓ͭͫͫ͝r͋̐ͨ̊̑̀ͮ̈́̀͏͚͖̻͍͍͔̘̺͜ͅ ̮̲̙ͮͧ̽ͤ͆̕f̡̜̱̟̻̜̜̜ͥ͌̌̃ͣ͒ͭͫo̢̟̲̟ͬ̂̄ͮ̇ͪ͋̀̚r͗ͩͯͣ҉̛͕̰͖̬͟g̢̠̯͇̖̘͇̦͍̈́̍ͬ̇͊̽ẹ̘̲͉̻̜̳͍ͣ̀̾d̨̒̑͏̜̺̟̼̝͙̘͖̹ ̸̙̪̼̲̳͋ͬ̊̈i̲͉͍̪͌͒̔n̸̺͇̺̼͙͍̱ͧͅ ̢̙̠ͮ̊́ͬ͊̂ͦs͙̻͉̠̔͗ͬ̎͋ͯͭ̔̀ĉ̳̫̬̋̿̀ͮ̌ͦͭȑ̵͊̅ͫ͏̝̣͚̣͓̥̲̱ȩ̞̜̲̬̱͑̃̇͒͜ȧ̠̼̠̻ͦ̃̀͠͞m̸̮ͨ̅̍̀ͯ́ͥs͙̹͔͇̟̺̳ͣͪ̌ͪ͠͠ ̧̢̤̱͈̞͎̲̹̠̓̆ͫͩͯ̃ͅo̡̧̱͖̼̲ͨ̇̉̔͆̽ͮ̔f̢̩̤̼̱̠̻̥͖͕̏̑ͥ́́̀ ̸͗͏̲ͅ1̪̪͎̮̌̒͊̀͠0̶͙̭̖̲͓͎̲̂͌̒̍̂̃͋0̢̹̜͔̺̦͑̔̂̃̊̀̂̈ͩ̀̕0̅̈͊̒͏͉͓̮̳̻͙̹ ̙̳̘̻͍͛̅ͭy͐ͤ̾͛ͤ̚҉̴͚̼͉̭̬̣͓o̧̟ͪͥ͐͛ͨͪͤͪ̀̚͜ͅűͦͭ̉ͣ҉̺̟̻͔̤̝̳̼̼n̜̲̼ͤ̃̿͌ͯg͈ͦ̀̐̊̉̀͘