Dugg – The most important thing to know about Abram is that he has an amazing big brother, namely me. But going beyond that – like there’s even any reason to – let me tell you some important things about Abram that really sums him up:
1- He has a cool big brother. This big brother also has a swimming pool, therefore Abram has a swimming pool, and anyone he dates therefore has a swimming pool. ß see what I did there? That’s called the Transitive Property, and I’m pretty sure it was invented by Cicero specifically for use on dating websites.
2- Abram is the most earnest, capable, and hard-working person I have ever met.
3- Abram will remodel your entire house if you date him (Don’t tell Abram I told you that)
4- Abram made a big frilly bow of ribbons to tie around the neck of his big German Shepherd for an Easter party
5- Abram and I are exactly the same, except that for our body shapes he got the sixpack and I got the party ball.
6- Abram needs to spend less time reading the profiles of his highest Enemies on OKCupid and get down to business.
7- Abram is shy, but not painfully so. He will never say stupid cocky things in a bar and get everyone’s asses kicked.
8- He likes sports so it would be good if prospective lady callers also at least didn’t despise sports.
9 Abram puts things that are important to him on a pedestal, and if you are with him, you will be the most important thing of all. Therefore.. using the Transitive Property (see how handy it is?) you will be put on the biggest, most awesomeness pedestal ever. You will need like a fire truck ladder to get off of that thing I bet.