There was nothing really substantive coming out of okcupid, or, at least, it didn't feel like there was anything. That statement isn't a knock on the people on here (or the subset of the people on here that I had contact with), it's really more of an observation of my overall impression at that time.
If I'm going to come back, it has to be with a philosophical shift. I dislike the idea of trying to "sell myself", even if it is probably does statistically increase the number of "bites". Well, maybe not all bites should be weighted the same. What I want to do right now is to put out the most important things about me that I think a stranger ought to know, and see what happens.
My name is Paul, so you should probably call me that unless/until you come up with any sort of superior nickname (I have executive veto power on this). I'm 23 years old and I live on the North side of Indianapolis. At the time this is being written (10/22/2013 at 1:13 AM), I still live at home with my mom and two sisters. I've been apartment hunting for roughly the past two months and expect to relocate myself to somewhere else in the Northside area within the next few months.
I'm a college graduate-- Purdue University class of 2012, B.S. in Atmospheric Science-- and I'm employed, but not in my area of expertise. I work full-time as a custodian at a local Elementary school. If the prospect of dating someone who works a cleaning job honestly bothers you, spare my feelings by ducking out now. My intention is to go to grad school, but all the good advice I've heard has suggested not going to grad school simply because you can't think of anything better to do, so I'm holding off on making that decision until I find something that would be worth the hard work, long hours, and necessary relocation.
I've always been "smart", but unfortunately the kind of "smart" that allowed me to play video games for hours and hours after school, start my homework at 11:30, and somehow do well enough in the important stuff to get a college scholarship and coast my way to a four-year degree. Now that I've been out of college for almost a year and a half, I sometimes find myself wishing that I could trade a little intelligence for some focus and determination. Or that I could go back in time and tell my parents to follow my teacher's advice to put me on ritalin. Either way. Being stuck in limbo currently kind of blows.
I like a lot of things. The whole "jack of all trades, master of none" has been unfortunately accurate thus far. During my senior year of college I found myself wishing I could have pursued a different major, like biology... or chemistry... or psychology... or economics... I think, if I would have had no restrictions on my behavior, I would have simply stayed in college until I had a degree in everything.
The same principle carries through to other things, too. At various times in my life, I've tried and retried my hand at writing, drawing, playing guitar, playing piano... but none of these for long enough to have created an opus, magnum or otherwise.
Long story short, my attention is scattered to all points of the compass.
Don't confuse my lack of focus with a lack of motivation, though. There is something distinctly identifiable in me that burns to create something spectacular. And at some point, by hook or by crook or by medication, I'll focus my attention on something long enough that the end result will be something I will consider actually "great".
But anyway, there's more to me than just a case of self-diagnosed ADD. If I had to choose a favorite / most essential attribute, I'd generally go with 'intellectual curiosity'. Sometimes (most of the time) my efforts end up being pragmatically pointless, but I'm obsessed with expanding the sphere of ideas/facts/concepts/attitudes I have been exposed to. Every little bit of knowledge has some intrinsic value to it because it makes the whole a little more whole. I'm bothered by my own subjectivity even if I think that I've mostly made peace with it (being alright with the realization that I'll die before fully understanding everything is a work in progress).
I'm not a fact-aggregating alien robot or anything, though (not to the best of my knowledge), I'm pretty damn human. Transitioning from inner monologue to socialization ends up resulting in personally-surprising awkwardness. I have a very weird relationship with silence in social contexts, and simply having a basic 5-minute conversation covering things like "do you find it uncomfortable when you're driving with someone and there is like NO NOISE AT ALL IN THE CAR" generally results in -50 awkwardness in any given relationship. I feel like I'm probably close to the human statistical average in 'total words said' though different people would find that factoid shocking for completely opposite reasons.
I'm definitely on the 'weird' side of the weird-normal divide, but too self-conscious to be a basket case. When I bridge the initial separation of silence with other people I tend to get along really well with people of all sorts of personality types.
The in-the-context-of-this-website nitty-gritty is this: I feel like I could easily be someone's "best relationship to this point" based on the fact that I know that I'm kind, popular consensus is that I'm amusing, and I have the self-control and feeling of moral obligation to keep myself from doing typical self-destructive relationship things. That said, I'm admittedly a terrible perfectionist in the context of relationships. Not in the sense of "my mate must be a 5'10 supermodel Swede with child-bearing hips and a nuclear physics degree", but in the sense that I have high enough expectations for the ability of a potential partner's mind to resonate with mine on a very very close frequency that I've turned down what-were-in-retrospect very good relationship opportunities over the past several years because the resonance simply wasn't close enough. I'm trying to work to be, at least, LESS unrealistic in my expectations, but I want to be honest and so them's the state of affairs.
I know that I've been wordy, but I've decided that the 1-in-1000-or-so mate that I think I'm on this site to POSSIBLY find would totally tolerate that, because at the moment they read this, they're thinking "I'm 1100 words into this dude's profile but WHO CARES BECAUSE THEY WERE THE BEST 1100 WORDS OF MY LIFE"
...I don't expect perfection, and, for that matter, I don't even expect the people I meet on here who I end up considering "worthwhile to meet" to necessarily think that I'm the best or most interesting person they've ever seen on here. I'm a single dude in his lower 20s. If someone skipped the first 1000 words but is still mildly curious because they think I'm cute and in their mind I could be a nice cuddle buddy, well... good on 'ya, let me know the most honest version of reality possible, because for that matter, I could be an awesome cuddle buddy anyway. I'm funny and I have nice arms and I at least make the effort to smell nice when I meet someone for the first time.
But, still, best case scenario for me is someone who has endured this wall of text and happens to make the (accurate) realization that we're two peas in a pod, destined to spend happy evenings in front of a fire having weird conversations about the possibility that Kurt Vonnegut is on Tralfamadore right now, drinking a good beer and offering his skills as a color commentator on the happenings on Earth.
Whatever happens on this site happens, and hopefully it doesn't end up with me being killed or having my kidneys harvested. I think that I'm in a better place than I was 8 months ago (when I created this profile), so... it's worth a shot. That's it. Profile done.