It's getting on my nerves this whole meeting someone. I'm an excellent friend, but I have a hard time approaching anyone because it seems selfish to me. The few close female connection i've made were because I showed genuine concern for female folk. Aside from that, I can't really see the point of approaching women. I hate the idea that the only thing a woman might think is that I'm approaching them because all I want is sex. Can it really be as easy as asking a woman if she would like to have a pleasant conversation with me.

I have this fear that women look at me and think STALKER, I've got no data to back that up one way or another. I recently saw the movie "The Flock" with Richard Gere. It deals with sex offenders. I am so in a better place than those folks. Yeesh! It's good to feel good about myself, but some people out there. Well, I know it's only a movie, but it's a picture of some real folk out there that have serious problems.

I had a revelation a few months back talking to a colleague of mine. She made me realize that women also can have hang-ups. I worried so much over my hang-ups that I didn't consider women have there own issues. In my sphere of influence I'm pretty patient and tolerant, what are the chances I'll meet someone like that. Eh, I don't worry about it. I worry people, but specifically women are going to judge me before they meet me. I will not be like my father and brothers, I've seen how that road ends. Well enough of my whinning, thanks all who decided to read this.

My Spring Break is almost over. In a way it's kind of a relief. I tend to get depressed when I don't have something to do. Of course, I think it runs in the family, but I'm not sure. I know virtually nothing of my father's side of the family. Now, after the divorce, I doubt I will ever know anything about them. Since my Asian gradfather died when my father was a child, I never meet him. A story from my father tells of my relatives from China coming to Mexico and giving my grandfather a choice. Either he abandoned his life in Mexico and came back to China, or he would be disowned. He chose the latter from what I understand.

I saw a picture of him. He looked sever. Sever and stern. Cold even. I could kind of see where my father got his cold eyes, at least from what people tell me. I don't notice it since I grew up with the guy. I can't honestly say I inherited too much from the guy, my bro on the other has picked up most of my father's bad habits. I don't have the driving desire to prove myself all the time, I've kind of made peace with myself. I'm comfortable with myself for the most part. Sure, I have a few things I still would like to change, but there's a great saying I like, "May all your wishes, but one, come true." If you have nothing to strive for, you got nothing to live for. I guess it's a good thing I'm still working towards a few things in my life.

I need to get in shape. I'm not too out of shape, but I could get a lot stronger. Now that I'm older it's a bigger concern. Went to the doctor a few months ago, I'm pretty healthy for the most part. My cholesteral is a little high. I seriously need to change that. Got the summer to start to work on that. I will.

I've been wondering lately how strange it is that my life has been building towards something. I've not really been aware that this was happening, but now a few years later, I can see that my life has been building towards something. I guess in some ways it's kind of cool. It means all the heartache, conflicting emotions, and emotional physical and mental pain has not been for nothing. It kind of means that I am not nothing. I live. Sometimes it didn't feel like it. It felt that I was just going through the motions. I used to work weird hours, so for me it used to be going to sleep in the wee hours of the night. The night was my blanket, a few times I stayed awake until the calm blue was in the sky. That time of night were everything is blue and it's just a few minutes from dawn. I love that time of night.
On days like those I was long gone as the first rays of the sun shined and the morning birds began to sing. Gone from the waking world. I seemed to have a lot more vivid dreams during those hours of sleep. I'd wake up to people coming back from lunch, and did all the things you do before going to work. Came in to work as people were going home for the day. Must be why to this day I really enjoy empty buildings. For a while there that was the whole routine. Now, my life is in a new and maybe a little bit more positive direction.
Time has passed, and I hardly noticed it, but in a lot of ways I have never really noticed time. My knees ache a little in the cold, but for the most part I'm still the same. My thoughts are still my own. I've grown up some, but not all. There are somethings I just will not be good at, either by accident or design. Well, you can't be good at everything, and I'm really lucky I'm good at the few things that I am. I am really lucky. Sure, like most people I lament all the things I don't have, but it doesn't seem impossible anymore to get the things I want. It will be very difficult, and involve a lot of sacrifice on my part, but not impossible.
I'm still foolish enough to believe I have time. Maybe I don't, but I have learned the hard way to live with my decisions. Sometimes having integrity means you are walking home alone with only your thoughts for company. Sometimes it means you have a broken heart. Well, thorough it all I have always done my best to be true to myself. Like I've told my sibs, it's okay to lie to the world, just don't lie to yourself. Time will tell where I go from here, and what is next on the horizon.