Dear Potential Online Match,
Okay...so, here's where we decide what would be the most interesting, thought provoking, and alluring thing to say to express our own initial interest, and possibly entice the other person's. And we hope that what we say comes across in a personable, intelligent, confident, humorous, and, by the grace of God, attractive way, without sounding typical, unimaginative, or self centered when describing the things that we think are fascinating and important enough about ourselves that someone else would want to know them.
So, what do you need to know about me? Well, I have no ambition, nothing interesting to say, and no talents at all in this life to speak of. I never go to the gym, so I'm fa-fa-fat! I breathe heavily, like a pug-dog in heat, whenever I have to lift myself off the couch in effort to retrieve another tub of mint choco-peanut butter ice cream.
But, thankfully, I have terrific fashion sense; stained wife beaters and torn boxer shorts grace my tubby form, as well as my apartment floor, which is what I use for a closet, since my actual closet is filled to the brim with C.H.I.P.S. paraphernalia (Ponch is GOD), old Tears For Fears mix tapes, and old Commodore 64 parts.
Let’s see...what else, what else, what else...oh, YEAH! I'm a LOUSY LAY. Terrible lay. I never give a single thought to "her pleasure". I'm really a selfish lover. It's all about ME, ME, ME. But, on the bright side, I can go for a full minute and a half, wheezing like St. Bernard with a collapsed lung all the while, before falling asleep.
Oh, and I'm hung like a kitten on a cold day.
So. If you are enticed by what I've typed here, then I hope you'll respond and tell me something SEXY about yourself. Meanwhile, I'm off to not shower, not brush my teeth, and waste as much time as humanly possible.
Stay out of prison!
Your Potential Match,
- D. "please call in 'Ponch' in bed" P.
p.s. In your response, please say something encouraging. My mother really wants this to work.
p.p.s. Every single statement in this message is a total lie. I know, I know...you're disappointed. I sounded like the perfect man just then. Oh, well. Message me anyway. (: