Let's see... not going to work today was nice.  I had some time to just relax and catch up on some chores.  Things I need to do tomorrow is to go return some books from the public library, need to make some phone calls, go to work early, and sleep.  Why... does it seem like I'm missing something.  eh?... I'll end up remembering it later.  

Because of work I'm still debating if I should participate in alternative break or not.   There's always sac state serve. I'll figure it out.

Sushi tonight with the family was delicious.  We even made calamari.  yum!!

When it rains...

it's nice to be indoors underneath the covers protecting yourself from the cold and wet puddles of the rain, wind blowing, and whatever else might be waiting for you outside.  

it's also adventures to run in the rain; to not let the rain stop you from ruining your fun.

I have happy thoughts of what tomorrow will bring, but with the rain comes sad moods.  The only way to combat that is to drink something nice and hot and maybe some music to top it off like a cup of hot chocolate and marshmallows.  lol...

 

 

I feel like there's so many things and not enough time to get it done.  It doesn't help when my older sister keeps telling me to clean up our room.  She just graduate and works full time at an after school program.  After a all day of work with the kids she work with get her all exhausted.  

I wish she would understand my situation that I want to do things in my life and gives meaning to me.  When I actually found something I totally believe in, she puts me down by saying things like "they don't pay you to work for them, so you don't need to do it".  The lack of support from my parents and siblings on my volunteer work is not acknowledge in a good way.  There's times where I tell them I'm at school studying when really I'm actually helping at the place I volunteer at.  I don't understand why volunteering my time to help others is bad.

I can honestly say that without the volunteer work I do for service-learning at school, I wouldn't be in college.  I only say that because helping others makes me feel good about what it is that I'm doing.  It's the stability that I crave for when I look for balance in my life.  Just going to school would be so boring, but having something to motivate you to keep going is a good way to look at situations where you just want to give up on school and drop out.

I'm happy at the place I volunteer at.  Finding the little things in life is what makes life interesting and sometimes unexpected.

I'm sure at some point everyone has felt that feeling where they feel lonely and wish there's more to their life. I'm going through that phase where I just want to be left alone but wanting someone to talk to. The frustration of having to pretend to be this person that I know I'm already not. The feeling of being trap... thinking that your moving but really your not. The consistent yelling. Waking up grumpy. Yet still feeling alone. A lonliness that you know if u can overcome it you'll become a stronger person. Then you'll know that you don't need a person to feel complete because the only company you can truly enjoy is yourself. But then your probably thinking that's stupid. It just makes you look pathetic. Stop being a rock and just go outside and make some friends. Go out and have fun. It isn't that hard. Truly, it is for a person like me. Hard for me to initiate contact and be sucessful. I have a lot of success with short contact with people without screwing it up. Those are the acquintances that allow themselves to truly take the time to talk to me and I appreciate that. I don't even know how I started talking about this. I was just sad and lonely. Waking up grumpy because my sister has been having issues with me and my attitude towards here. I don't really have friends. When I think I'm going somewhere with my life it's really at a standstill. When i'm standing I feel like I don't have a steady foot on the ground. I have stability in my life, but no excitement. I have people in my life which prefers me to stay at home and study like a good girl. I want to be able to go out and do what it is that I want to do without having to lie about it. I want to have the same kind of freedom like my sisters do, but at the same time not have them rule over my life. It's not fair that i'm 21 and can't rule my life. Does that make any sense? Always having to explain yourself. Always having to call to let people know where you're at, and if you're someone you shouldn't be you have to go home? I wish I can screw over this life and just go far, far away. I've been so isolated I feel like I can't go anywhere far or at least by myself.

For now, it's mainly just lying in bed and overthinking about my life while helping out my parents and doing whatever my sisters say because if I screw them over and not obey them they take things away from me that I care deeply about and need. Can't tell you what it is because you'll just think it's stupid. Let's just say last time one of my sisters took away all my clothes because I wouldn't do what she told me to do. I was 19 at that time. I got my life owned... I just wished I was the one who owned it.... ^_^'

This whole month has been very chaotic for me. Especially in the last 2 weeks.

In those two weeks my cousin who's been living with my family for 3 years, finally moved out. It was on a friday that she left my house and moved back to her parent's house. The following days my mom gets a call saying that my grandfather is on his death bed and wants my mom to come back home to Vietnam to say her goodbyes and prepare for burial arrangements.

Let's go back to my cousin, who has been living with my family for 3 years. It was Thursday night that I found out she was moving out and moving back to her parent's house. According to my older sister, she's been planning to move out a week in advance. She didn't tell me or my siblings that she was moving. Very inconsiderate and selfish. She just told my parents. What was really messed up is the fact that she goes around her work place telling people whoever ask her why she moved out that it was mostly my fault. On top of that, she goes off telling people how I am failing school when I told her in confidence about that. Plus, she had no right to tell other people my business. Throughout this whole ordeal, I had said nothing about her. I'm going to tell you right now, that's it's hard being the bigger person and not say things about other people in anger. I hold it in. Especially, since my cousin and I both have the same class together. It's hard that I have to avoid her when really she should be avoiding me for saying all those things. The worst part about it is that she's still going off saying things about me and it's been a week already. I just don't understand why she just can't let it go. It's been about a week and she's still telling people things about me. It's those people that hold grudges that makes it tougher for others to live there life when all they want to do is just keep the peace or punch someone out in frustration.

As for my mom's situation. Her brothers which are my uncles that I really don't know personal who lives in Vietnam has persuading my mom to go back to Vietnam for a while now. Finally, she did last week. Especially, since things got more serious with my grandfather's health. My first oldest sister went with her. I worry about my mom. I miss her dearly. There's just things that will always be remembered and put into peace. My mom is coming home next week. I'm very excited that she is. I miss her cooking and noodle soup!... usually, we would have that like once every week, but since my mom left no one in my family except my mom and oldest sister knows how to make it. I take my mom for granted especially her cooking. My dad and siblings haven't been eating that well. We try to imitate her cooking but somethings always missing. I makes me think that I need to take cooking lessons from my mom! Seriously, if i miss her cooking this much.

That's all I wanted to say in my Journal. It's nice to let everything that I was holding inside out. I know it's not healthy, but I don't like causing drama or anything of that sort. I feel much better now. More relieved. ^_^

Today, very earlier this morning my car gotten broken into. Around 3:30am, to get an idea of what I'm talking about. It wasn't a very good experience. I was really scared even while I was staring back at the three guys that were staring back at me. I swear it was them. Even though it was only one guy that I saw slamming my door close shut. Most of the things in my car was taken out. Nothing was really stolen. Maybe a couple of dollars from the ashtray. Why my car? Well, I just wanted to write this experience down before I go to sleep and it's still fresh in my memory. Good thing my car is going to get fixed tomorrow because my blinker was already out and my dad was going to get it fix. I'm just happy that nothing got stolen and I still have my car. ^_^ Yippee!! lol... I'm going to get some sleep. Hopefully it doesn't happen again.

It's boring. There's not much to do. I feel like I'm going crazy being stuck inside my house. I wish I could go out, but my car is sick. It's been feeling the effects of the weather. Basically what's wrong with it?... The blinker went out. You know that think you used to tell other drivers you want to change lanes or making a turn. Yup... it's the second time it's gone out on me. Not allow to drive my car until it gets fix. So now I'm doom to be stuck around this house. This only means more time doing chores around the house. Yippee... for me.. Anyways, I'm just going to try to enjoy my weekend and think positive about my situation. I wish school started already so I can have something to do. Feeling like a bum at home isn't wat I had in mind. Well, that's it for now. Until next time! Later! ^_^