Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
-Do the Swiss issue Swiss Army Knives?
- Looking back at the Transformer movies, the Decepticons are
actually the good guys.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
-Do blind people see their dreams?
-When I get depressed why do I listen to depressing music? You'd
think that I would listen to something to try to cheer myself up
but no, seems pretty counter productive....
-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink
to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint
and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger
and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I
first saw it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
-If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting?
-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how
the person died.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in
the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to
go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so
incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from,
this shouldn't be a problem....
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at
work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing
anything productive for the rest of the day.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.
-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks
me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that
I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the
phone and run away?
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...
-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.
-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what
do to with it.
-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet
my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every
-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone
they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites and Tequila than
-The answer to life, the universe, and everything.
-The Zombie Apocalypse. Are you ready? Whats your plan?