beaumontpenguin
38 Oakland, CA
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beaumontpenguin
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My self-summary
Twenty years ago I emerged from the forests of northern Minnesota to study physics in Chicago, but ended up studying poetry instead, so now I build things out of context free grammars in SOMA. When life leaves you nothing but excess amphibrachs, just practice your meter while writing test mocks: you'll feel better by morning, exceptions excepted, all covered code blocks and new bugs detected.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I go in for my first general physical since I was a teenager and the quack says I'm 5'9". I say no, I'm 5'8". He starts in on a lecture about modern medicine's advances in the discernment of height since the dark ages, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he's destroying my entire sense of self-identity. What is the oneness of myself with myself if it's been off by an entire inch all this time?

To complicate the matter further my mother had a miscarriage when I was still gestating, killing my in utero twin and leaving me off by a whole half. My father nicknamed me 'a miscarriage of justice', which gave us all a good chuckle, but technically I'm a miscarriage of a miscarriage.

The only way I'm keeping anything together at all is the open polyamorous relationship I share with my partner lexilives. It's pretty fantastic.
What I’m doing with my life
Back in my day you had to paddle a canoe all the way from Omaha Nebraska to gay Paree for a single night of romance. That's the way it was and we liked it, we liked it fine! Now it's all instant potatoes, with your fancy internet and your blocks of silicon. Why, it used to take three weeks just to bake a potato.

Discovering progression by progression how beer swilling and pistol squats are inimical to the press handstand.
I’m really good at
Stone skiffing. Cookie baking. Pointless circular arguments with reactionary ouroboroi.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
books) Lies: Beckett; Winterson; Pynchon; Rushdie; Stephenson. Facts: bell hooks; Alfred Crosby; EP Thompson; Gabriel Kolko; Marilyn Young; David Noble. Truth: Elizabeth Bishop; WC & JK & CK Williams; Mayakovsky; O'Hara; Watterson.

movies) A toss up between 1955's It's Always Fair Weather and 2005's Roll Bounce. What's the point of it all if there's no dancing in roller skates? Two movies in 50 years! Hollywood's moral decrepitude is limitless.

shows) Fishing With John.

music) I love a little bit of everything and one of the best parts about new people is the new music they come with, so here's what I know I don't like: I dread every awful note that's ever come out of Meatloaf's melodramatic mouth; Led Zeppelin would be an interesting cover band if they weren't just a band of fucking thieves; Andrew Lloyd Webber is like some demonic version of Phillip Glass, born of a strange dimension where composers are condemned to write elaborate third rate dinner theater musicals with no more than five notes.

My new favorite is Bernie Sanders' inexplicable 1987 cover of Where Have All The Flowers Gone. It's like William Shatner's 1968 cover of It Was a Very Good Year but he adds a bunch of anachronistic verses. For some reason he starts ranting about laser beams, which didn't exist until five years after Pete Seeger wrote the song. As usual, it's complete madness.

food) I like food. I like cooking food. I like offering you food. I will offer you food.
The six things I could never do without
"a liriodendron
wind, a liriodendron
mind"
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Fun facts, rapacious speculation. Like in the early 18th century American colonists first learned about smallpox inoculation from their African slaves, while Europeans independently learned about it from the Ottoman Empire, the 'sick man of Europe'. Ur-anti-vaxxers even fire bombed Cotton Mather's Boston home trying to stop its adoption. Interesting, no?

It's likely that the Ottomans had picked it up from further East. The MIng Dynasty had established systematic inoculation against the pox by around mid 16th century. If the early 15th century voyages of Admiral Zheng He had made a return on the investment and the Chinese were driven to find a shorter route to Europe as the Europeans were driven to find a shorter route to China, the Chinese would perhaps have colonized the Americas first, bringing their public health practices with them, which could have prevented the destruction of tens of millions of indigenous Americans and their societies by the pox, which would have prevented the worst of the Little Ice Age, ameliorating all manner of attendant famines, plagues, and wars precipitated by anthropogenic climate change back in the old world.
On a typical Friday night I am
junk, but I'm still holding up this little wild bouquet.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm both smell and stereo blind. I have congenital isolated anosmia and, thanks to childhood strabismus, rotten depth perception. Happily, the net effect of these two rare disabilities on my life has been approximately nil: they just made me especially smelly and clumsy during middle school, when everybody else was also smelly and clumsy. It also means I can't say "smell you later", but since I can't tell whether you're coming or going I wouldn't know when to say it anyway.
You should message me if
You wanna play music or need help in your garden? I really miss my garden. If you had a garden to play music in that would be really awesome.
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