I'm not middle aged yet, so this must be an "existential" crisis.

My Google searches between 5/20/13 and 5/22/13:
amphibians
amenable definition [I'm a science writer, I have to be accurate]
braggadocio spelling
brindle greyhound [image search]
cmafr.com
DIY dehumidifier
empathy definition
fit to a T origin
giant table and chairs
homophone
Illuminati wiki
kudos
Kittichai
MST3K
M240B [this was actually in a woman's profile and I had no idea what it was]
Nick Wooster
polyamorous
rate my professors [lookin for my chili peppers, yo]
right click open link new tab Chrome [this feature is life-changing]
survey monkey
tumblr
the pirate bay
tiny url
überlube [the last sentence of this article is golden]
what the fuck should I make for dinner?
why doesn't Google Hangout support invisible?
XBox bundle

Grad school and teaching. Working towards user-testing computer software.

I hit the books hard and spend a lot of time in my windowless lab.

deciphering autocorrected text, making graphs, playing poker, fixing and building things, generally being handy.

I'm really bad at
navigating the subway. I used to think I was smart.

I'm aloof.

Books: Exclusively grocery-store paper back novellas, and only the jacket covers.

Music: Most of the 30 gigs of music on my phone is too embarrassing to list here. I'm going to go publicly answer a bunch of sex questions now...

Movies/Shows: Dark comedy, rebellion-based space westerns, and anything with a law-breaking protagonist; e.g., Breaking Bad, Dexter, White Collar, etc.

Food: Most anything edible (and some things inedible).

coffee/caffeine
the internet
learning
a shower
Chapstick
food
my laptop
my phone, a spare battery, and charger
headphones

I can has counting.

Devious applications of science that was originally conducted for good.

How to integrate punctuation with emoticons; e.g., parenthetical emoticons: (;)). WTF is that?

If I was an assassin, what would I put as my job in my profile?

How awkward it would be if I unwittingly messaged one of my students on here.

How OkCupid got me so wrong, and what I did to deserve it. I'm really not arrogant, I'm brilliant. There's a difference.

chillin, studying, writing for school, or trying not to fall madly in love

I sleep with one leg on top of the covers.

I've never been satisfied with a pillow.

Despite these peccadilloes, I'm actually a very sound sleeper.

Update: After a recent Amazon shopping spree I now have seven pillows on my bed, one of which is satisfactory.

cmarf.com is mine, and mentioning it above was a shameless plug.

I say "yo" and "wuddup" a lot 'cause I'm gangster like that.

The "matches" OkC gives me makes me feel like I must be a douche. Then again, I just said I was gangster on a dating website, so...

You probably shouldn't. I'm incredibly cantankerous and mean-spirited. However, if you insist, then maybe you should:

be a night owl the likes of which daylight has never seen;

want to show me a cool place (preferably where I won't lose an organ to the black market);

want to talk shop;

think you can teach me something;

or have something nice to say.

Generally you should message me if you want to talk or meet, because otherwise those things are unlikely to happen. :-P