Here are some other useful things to know :-
-I've never been seasick. It's handy when circumnavigating Birmingham on the M42.
-I get altitude sickness, so I won't accompany you up K2.
-I like to mow shapes in my lawn, like spirals and 8s. It puzzles the neighbours and confuses Cat.
-I tried a man-bag once, but Cat laughed at me, so I dropped it from 2000 feet into trees (bag, not Cat)
-I've seen a snow-bow in my jimjams. Not many people can say that.
-I used to work in a restaurant which means that I can slice mushrooms at 19 to the dozen.
-I can't pass a country church without reading the visitors' book or finding the silliest name in the graveyard.
-I play badminton badly - bottom team in the division. We're always getting wopped. We can't be relegated; there's nowhere down to go.
-I have a closet so stuffed full of things like crampons, halyards, cat toys and broken racquets that there's no room for any baggage or skeletons.
-I know where to put apostrophes; semicolons are still a mystery though.
Anyone still reading? Probably not, so I can say anything now. I misspent my youth sailing oceans, skiing across icecaps and getting cold, wet, scared and lost in remote places. I now find that all my previous partners in crime (who survived) are on child number 2.4 and aren't allowed out any more. I also discovered that saying things like 'I'm off to Greenland for the summer, see you in October' was not girlfriend friendly, and I usually found on my return she'd taken up with the postman.
So having surprisingly failed to find anyone 300 miles north of the Arctic circle or when sailing past Libya, I've been single for a while and come here. It's also dawned on me that it's time to hang up the ice axes and lead a more normal life (with the exception of the lawn shapes).
So if anyone's interested in a time-served slightly frayed outdoors type, or can divulge sage advice on sensible things like pensions and en-suite bathrooms, or even just has some jammy dodgers in, I'm here to be found.
"That's not a man-bag. It's a LV lady's handbag. You can't fool us girls with your sneaky lies."
"That's not a cat. That's a West Highland white terrier. It's a dog."
Is he? Are you sure? I've often wondered why he's never caught any mice. MAAAAAAAAAX!! Get here NOW and explain yourself!
"You have a skinny wimpy body"
That probably explains why I regularly lose games of tuggy with Max.
"There are no footprints in the snow. How was that picture taken?"
Levitation. Less gravity near the poles.
"What do you mean 'Wales and it's not raining'? It doesn't always rain in Wales. Today was a lovely sunny day and it didn't rain. Well actually thinking about it, it did, but only the once."
"You are completely barking"
I consider myself more Dagenham than Barking. I leave woofery duties to Max.