TO THE USUAL SUSPECTS (you know who you are) : If you don't hear from me for a while then please check my journal for the current state of my one and only marble! Due to attempts to foil procrastination ... I shall now only reply to mail one day per week ... and no, I'm not telling you which day! ;-D

And for those of you who have only just arrived … if you are now sitting comfortably … I shall begin … once upon a time …….

First and foremost: Every Thursday is Naked Thursday!!!!!!! (take a peek in my journal ... also go and stalk 70schild) ... should you feel inspired to want to be the host with the most/hostess with the mostest one week ... just drop into my mailbox! ;-)

Current status: In limbo or sitting in the waiting room reading out-of-date magazines ... ripping recipes out of the out-of-date magazines and then making origami out of them ... leaving obscene messages on post-it notes inside of the out-of-date magazines.

Currently surrounded by: three dogs ... my furniture ... and a miniature posse of outraged faeries.

Current mood: high as a kite or parading up and down outside with an ‘A’ frame declaring that the end is nigh.

Current health package: an eclectic mix of all that I could possibly inherit from my family … and then some!!! For full details please drop into my mailbox and we’ll sit down with a virtual drink of your choice, plus some virtual toasted marshmallows, and we’ll see how long it takes before we run out of letters of the alphabet.

Currently looking for: lots of shiny things ... new friends ... a rich old gentleman that wants me to read stories to him before leaving me his vast fortune … and a rather large supply of espresso!!!

Currently not looking for: Prince Charming ... anything of a domestic nature ... anything unidentifiable that lurks at the back of fridges.

Already have: a soulmate friend ... a muse ... a twin soul ... lots of most excellent friends ... a fine collection of belly button fluff ... a plethora of fantastically intelligent enemies ... and an invisible parrot with Tourettes called Keepatra (the odd part is he only swears in Castilian).

I have but one marble … it's true … some days it co-operates and we get on famously and life ticks along in a blaze of glory … at other times, the bally blighter bogs off with all his marble cousins for week long raves and so yours truly is left to make what she will of life whilst being somewhat bereft of lucidity and loquacity.

I have the same birthday as Elizabeth Taylor and am currently between husbands … I spend a lot of time with my therapist who seems to sink down on one knee an awful lot during our sessions … but thankfully, so far, he hasn’t proposed. ;-)

Procrastinating like its going out of fashion …

Due to the aforementioned health package my time is spent:

being the worst housekeeper in the world
being at large in the world and taking photographs
being in the kitchen making cakes and other culinary concoctions

I spend a lot of time sat at the computer letting my fingers roam across the keyboard … this occasionally results in something other than pure piffle … I like to write poetry (both serious and inane), short stories, observations, monologues … and other than that I generally rant about life, the universe and my fine collection of belly button fluff.

I am also exceptional with my skill of flensing faeries … I do a fine line in faerie dust … which I like to sprinkle liberally at every given opportune and inopportune moment.

Looking people in the eye … laying my cards on the table … and talking straight.

Admittedly that could just be re-written as: I like to put both my feet into a situation … be as tactless and blunt as possible … and then attempt to smile winningly (whilst proffering cake) in order to salvage the situation.

My hands and my one and only marble do not always have a conflab before typing commences … end result is either a stroke of genius or stuff that’s simply going to get me committed to my compact and bijou padded room … again!!!

I have yet to come up with anything quite as profound as:

‘To be or not to be … that is the gzortonplat’

I am as loyal as your favourite pet rock (although can’t guarantee I will remain where you left me) … I have the tenacity of a two thirds crazed terrier … and I will always attempt to tickle your laughter buds if the corners of your mouth are failing to co-operate with the happy look.

My second head.

The deadpan look on both my faces.

The constant handfuls of faerie dust being scattered in appropriate and non-appropriate places.

My little known, rarely seen and only mildly infamous skill at silent tap dancing (performed Naked on a Thursday).

My flensing skills … and my large and impressive collection of freezers.

Books: Terry Pratchett, Spike Milligan, Stephen Donaldson … I could ramble on with this list but lets just say that I love books … couldn’t live without them.
Currently reading: John Coughlin, Alexander McCall Smith and a book of Tao.

Films: quirky, comedy, some horror, old black and whites, Arthouse, Monty Python, Tim Burton, Alfred Hitchcock, Pedro Alomodovar
Last film(s) watched: Murder by Death, Harold and Maude, Todo Sobre Mi Madre, Volver, Pink Panther (original), Pirates of the Caribbean, Lucky Number Slevin

Music: Depends on mood … whatever’s going to hit the spot.

Foods: I love food!!! I like to experiment with cooking and concoctions, particularly as I have a specialised diet. I love to cook for other people and listen to them make yummy noises.

My flensing tools

My sack of faerie dust

My friend the Ukulele Murderer (such sweet music he makes)

My friends (especially those that reside in my chilled vault)

My espresso machine

My loathing of sprouts and liver

Anything and everything

Conversations I’ve had, conversations I’ve yet to have

The art of sitting in comfortable silence

How to stare into middle distance without either 1. having your eyeballs dry out or 2. pulling focus and realising that you appear to have been staring for some considerable time at some stranger’s crotch area!

Quite where the cycle ends for therapists and counsellors … (seeing as each one has to have their own mentor to retain their own sanity)

Oh, and why do I get so disorientated on my way to the bathroom at 3.00a.m. - its still the same house, right!?! Plus the sad fact that in the long distant past, if I was up at that time it was 'cos I was just getting in from clubbing .......

Member of the London Cupid Alcoholics Society

Flensing faeries

Checking on the chilled vault

Heading out on moonlit forays with the Ukulele Murderer … or just sitting with him beneath a tree as he gives forth with his own exceptionally unique version of Sinatra’s ‘I did it my way’

The colour of my marble is Octarine

You are happy to drop into my mailbox and make no comment about the dust in there.

You are fond of virtual marshmallows and chocolate.

You are very fond of coffee and cake ... I'm good at making both ... and only 'lace' them with something a little extra one day out of every week.

You have something very, very important to tell me … that you can’t possibly tell anyone else. Have no fear, your secret will be safe with me … at least, that is to say, safe until my lascivious and highly lucrative memoirs are published.

WARNING: Flux is my middle name … therefore I am all or nothing ... sometimes my messages will batt back and forth with you for several days on end ... at other times it will appear as though I fell off the planet … but I will always land in your mailbox eventually.

‘What’s yours is mine … and what’s mine doesn’t work very well’