Greetings, Profile Browser!

Morticia has found her Gomez! He's a Jewish Gomez, but it works. (He even kisses up my arms and exclaims, "Cara mia!" when I speak French.) A big Blackadder fan, he read this profile and laughed himself silly. Houston, we have landed. And we are ridiculously in love.

My boyfriend is okay with me leaving up this profile to entertain people. That's why it's still up even though I'm in a relationship. He's a geek and wants other geeks to enjoy it.

(I only recently started watching Doctor Who. Lord know what my profile would have looked like had I been watching *that* instead!)

Enjoy!

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"I have a cunning plan, my lord."

"Baldrick, you wouldn't know a cunning plan if it pushed a thumbtack in your forehead attached to a helium-filled, aluminum balloon that read Happy Birthday! Here's a Cunning Plan ."

"But it is a cunning plan, my lord."

"Well, what is it, Baldrick? Can't you see I'm busy?"

"It's about that real nice Miss Blacktech, my lord. I've been real sad that she hasn't got any suitors. At least, not any suitors who want more than a stick in the hay. And with her being so pretty and smart and sweet and all -- "

"Well, Baldrick, if she didn't dress like such a tart, she wouldn't get treated like a tart. Wearing all that leather, corsets, stockings... Er, you say she hasn't any suitors?"

"No, my lord. Not a one she likes, anyway. And it's real sad, you see. Just all wrong, if you know what I mean."

"What do you propose we do about this, my fetid friend? That we set traps for said suitors? Collect them in cages? Hang them from their heels for inspection?"

"No, my lord, I have a better idea. I think...we should put out an ad for her."

"You have officially fallen off the banana cart, Baldrick. This is the most utterly stupid plan I have ever heard. What on earth would we say? 'Smart Tart with Big Heart?' Or how about 'Betty Page s Stunt Double Could Fall for You'?"

"My lord, what if we just said things real nice-like about her? Like, how she writes all those lovely stories and poems that folks publish? And how she is real spiritual?"

"If you count all the times she's been on her knees for other reasons..."

"My lord, I do think I detect a hint of jealousy. A bit of the old green-eyed monster."

"Not at all, Baldrick. What on earth would I want with a raven-haired, green-eyed trollop who can wield a sword and out dance a gypsy? No, Baldrick, I prefer a pencil-thin, brainless blonde bimbo with no ambition or proven talent -- "

" -- who would drop you in a heartbeat for a better-looking bloke."

"Details, Baldrick. Details."

"Just thought I'd stick in my toe to test the old shallow pool."

"Take back your toe, Baldrick. You're poisoning the drinking water."

"Right, my lord."

"So...what's in it for us?"

"Me? I get nothing, my lord, except the satisfaction of helping a friend."

"Well, that's disgustingly charitable of you, Baldrick, but..." Edmund's own cunning plan hatches in his brain. "...that's it, Baldrick! I will answer the suitor's email." His lips curl into an evil grin.

"You're right, Baldrick. This is an astonishingly cunning plan that I've come upon. Let's execute it right away, shall we?"

**All suitors are to send application and photo to MatchAdder.com**

**P.S. Do not write to me and tell me MatchAdder.com doesn't exist. I will laugh at you.**

I'm a well-published author of horror, humor and suspense. I'm a member of the International Thriller Writers Association and Sisters in Crime.

If you want to see what's up with all I've published, go to:

www.thehandlesspoet.com

Google Fu. Makin' you sweat. Obeying my cats (aka The Whiskered Masters). Cracking myself up.

My confidence. And then my Wild Thing.

When Newland Archer opened the door at the back of the club box...And if I die today, I'll be the happy phantom...Hikita who had thrown himself across the young Buckaroo...Don't panic...head like a hole, black as your soul...It was always you, Helen...76. He has himself flogged by one girl during mass, he fucks a second girl orally, and he discharges when the Host is elevated...Dr. Juvenal Urbino noticed it as soon as he entered the still darkened house...Listen to my voice and please try to understand the one you call messiah is a lie...contained in the shunned books locked away here in the library of Miskatonic University...Mr. Fiddlehead? I'd like you to meet Lenna's best friend, Juliet Skotchdopole...Too many notes...on her milk white neck, the devil's mark...What came first, the music or the misery?...I'm your secretary...I don't get it, Tyrell...Seventy seven million dollars made from watchin' me cum under the sun...Animals are fine, but their acceptability is limited. A small child is even better, but not nearly as effective as the right kind of adult...a little of the old in-out, real savage...Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs -- all next week on Town Talk...unholy just like you, unholy just like me...

My sense of humor, my sense of humor, my sense of humor, my sense of humor, my sense of humor, and a sharp object for anyone who needs to be reminded how funny I am. ::smiles innocently::

John Cusack. Politics. And new ways to torture the stupid.

Tying up boys and making them cry. Or writing. Or drinking absinthe (and writing). Or, if a boy is extraordinarily lucky, I'll let him tie me up. ;)

I'm Batman.

...you aren't afraid of the Big Black(adder) Wolf.