I'm a little suspicious of any guy who can just throw out eight different adjectives about himself. But here goes: sarcastic (but not cynical - that's important), optimistic, forthright, earnest, dark (comedically), light (in skin tone)...ok, I tried. Shouldn't you make your own impression of me anyway?

I try to be as honest as possible as often as possible; I like to joke around and not take things too seriously - despite how this paragraph is coming off - but I wouldn't mind meeting someone willing to get serious. Cool? Cool.

Oh, and when I recently asked a date how I was different in person compared to my profile, she said (and keep in mind, this person actually wanted to meet me), "I thought you'd be...[uncomfortably long pause]...meaner." So you've got that to look forward to.

Born and raised in Manhattan and excited to be back after a two-year diversion in Boston. In college I was an English major, baseball player and the singer in a cover band that would gig in bars and frats. Today I'm satisfied correcting my friends' grammar, playing softball and being a go-to asset in any karaoke situation.

I'm also trying to get a podcast off the ground. If you're thinking, "it would help if you were funny or talented," I mean...yeah, I have no comeback for that.

I recently got a job as a copywriter at a marketing firm. If they had any idea of the average woman's response to the writing on this profile, I never would've been hired.

What I'm not good at: keeping my toothpaste tube perfectly clean. Has anyone ever done that? I'm trying like hell - just opened a new tube and I really think this is gonna be the time I keep it spotless right to the end.

Here are a few skills I do have: a) cooking my own tomato sauce, b) singing, especially at inappropriate times, c) complaining about terrible sports announcers, d) knowing the capital of every country, e) Minesweeper and f) correcting grammar errors. Jeez, those are my skills? What the hell have I been doing?

That I'm white as a ghost? That would probably be literally the first thing people notice. But what I get from new people the most is definitely, definitely how sarcastic I am. Which I'm sure is on every profile, but if we're going to click it really needs to be said.

Movie: "Shakespeare in Love" - Unabashedly.

Shows: I've been known to enjoy watching Stacy and Clinton have a laugh about how much better looking they are than the poor woman they brought on their show. I like when they go into her closet and theatrically trash everything. Like you'd waste that many good hangers.

Music: I ostensibly bought the Jersey Boys soundtrack for my parents, but let's be honest, we all know who got the most mileage out of that thing.

1. My shower - the only place in town that lets the singer do Boyz II Men, Metallica and Josh Groban all in one set.

2. Pio Pio - It's basically Peruvian crack. Actually I think crack is Peruvian crack. Their chicken is awesome, is what I'm saying.

3. Gummi Bears - there's a point where you start bringing gummi bears into the cab on the way to the bar that you realize you may have a problem. And by "you" I mean "me" - pretty sure there's nobody else out there doing this.

4. My "Jay Sean" Pandora station that also plays Breaking Benjamin, Killswitch Engage, etc. - the product of YEARS of hard work, folks.

5. Turkey, tomato, spinach and wheat penne - Let's just say it's not the most creative weeknight dinner menu at the Blanquito Mansion.

6. My New York Mets pajama pants - but we're not really at that stage yet, are we?

Don't guys just think about girls all day? We all agreed that was ok, right?

Also, isn't "short-term dating" just failed long-term dating? And why am I supposedly looking for that?

Hey, what about what you're thinking while you're here? Thoughts like, "Is this entire thing sarcastic? Or does he just expect me to pick up on the sincere parts?" And, "He must know about Stacy and Clinton because he has sisters...right?"

(Answers: Not as much as you'd think; yes of course!; um...no.)

Like the rest of us, I'm making sure my azaleas are watered. Actually it's not so much the watering, it's more just leaving my scent in the garden so the woodchucks won't come in and eat everything while I'm enjoying a night out with my friends.

How's this: I watch pro wrestling. No, it's not a bloodlust thing, or an "I think it's real" thing - to me, it's performance art (sort of). And if you think that's absurd, well, you're probably right.

...

Ok, you're definitely right.

Also, I'm a lifelong Mets and Knicks fan. You don't have to be into sports at all, but if you're not, just know that this is proof of my dedication to long-term relationships under the most adverse of circumstances.

...you're the one person on Earth who thinks being a Mets fan is cute, in the way it's cute when a rom-com protagonist gets caught in the rain, breaks a heel and then gets soaked when a car splashes a puddle of water all over the new dress she loved so much she just had to wear out of the store.

...you sing tasteful harmony.

...you need to know the capital of a country but absolutely nothing else about that country.

...you're afraid of the dark. People who aren't afraid of the dark need to use their imaginations.

...you're on here in good faith. And by that I think I mean, if you're at least allowing for the slight possibility that you might meet someone you actually like. Strange, I know.