Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
Enclosed you will find all the parts for your new Bluetoonist
Companion Mark 2.0. Assembly is straight-forward and requires only
a minimal set of tools. We recommend a quirky disposition, two
brains (left and right, metric), and a medium-sized allen wrench.
Full instructions on the many functions of your new Bluetoonist are
available on the web (link on request). With proper maintenance,
you can look forward to a lifetime of engaging conversation,
passion, and worry-free operation.
Care and feeding of Bluetoonist 2.0:
Proper care of your new companion is as simple as relativistic
quantum chromodynamics. Your Bluetoonist works best when
intellectually stimulated and may not function properly in the
presence of astrological belief, uncomfortable shoes, religion, or
Budweiser. Your Bluetoonist has two settings: artist and scientist.
Try not to leave it on the same setting for too long. Bluetoonist
may not function optimally in the morning hours. As Bluetoonist is
designed with revolutionary thought-to-speech and audio input
technology, excessively loud environments may impede this
functionality. Dive bars are recommended. Keep Bluetoonist
adequately caffeinated. Do not tell Bluetoonist to "just enjoy" a
movie and "don't think about it too much." If at any time you are
dissatisfied with Bluetoonist's performance, give him a hug, speak
in a calm, rational voice, and whack him soundly on the side of the
head. Normal operation should resume within minutes.
Warning: Produced in a facility that processes nuts.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
I measure neutrons and draw funny pictures. Thousands of them.
Sometimes I climb the walls. I try to maintain my gold travel
status on the taxpayers' dime.
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
remaining in motion unless acted upon by an external force,
art within strict constraints,
armchair underwater oil well capping,
learning one and only one really complicated song on the
organizing things in ways they weren't meant to be categorized (eg:
CDs by color, books by height),
moving my eyes independently of each other,
getting lost on purpose in a foreign city,
throwing parties for invented holidays,
finding mistakes in others' work,
taking broken appliances apart as if I had some concept of how to
staying awake too late,
rigging particle accelerators to shoot bran muffins,
walking extremely long distances at two in the morning,
adding a line to this list every day until someone tells me to
...and Whack-a-Mole. I can't overemphasize this point.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
The obvious... my gorgeous eyes, of course,
That I should really put on a jacket,
And I'm opaque. So very opaque.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
(a) DIY Psycholuminescence, George Wellington and the Coincidental
Duck, A Brief History of Celotex, The Big Book of Cheese.
(b) Slammer Girls, Not Another Literally-Titled Horror Movie
Parody, The Big Book of Cheese the Movie.
(c) Boys' voices are good for convincing the populace to invade
Poland. Girls' voices are for convincing me I'm in love. Thus, a
few whose houses I would paint in exchange for a serenade are
Regina Spektor, Jill Sobule, Miss Li, Rilo Kiley, Eisley, Juliana
Hatfield, Björk, The Murmurs, Save Ferris, Tori Amos, Evanescence,
Siouxsie and the Banshees, Lana del Rey, Dance Hall Crashers, or
(d) A thin paste of cyanobacteria and americium-241 spread over
cold-tempered surgical steel.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
empathy, Cute, attention, quirk, scorn, and milk
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
What happens to all the half-used hotel soaps?,
Where Mr. Rogers spent the other 23.5 hours of the day, wearing his
good shoes and jacket,
The disgusting fact that what we rest our heads on every night is
mostly dust mite feces,
How a sitcom joke could have been funnier,
Love stories' slighted third,
Why we pronounce the J in "Vallejo" as if it was Spanish, but the
LL and V as if it was English,
The absence of magenta in rainbows,
Which of my friends might be infected with Toxoplasma Gondii,
The common ancestry of Quetzalcoatl and Sinistar,
The unreasonable amount of joy I get walking in the middle of the
street instead of within the confines of the sidewalk and the
suspiciously likely possibility, therefore, that I may be living in
the wrong country,
If the Trans-Siberian gas pipeline sabotage explosion of 1982
...and boring a hole to the planet core.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
staying up four hours later than what I'll need to readjust back to
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I love scams. Learning about, not implementing. Necessarily.
Much of my life has been controlled by giant lasers. Really.
I've drawn 24 liters of comic strips.
I microwave ice cream for eleven seconds before eating. Thirteen if
it's Trader Joe's.
My astronaut application was rejected.
Also, one of my favorite movies is real. As for the rest of (a),
(b), and (d), I figured you were just as bored as I was reading
about how much everyone loves Tom Robbins, the Coen Brothers, and
sushi. Which I totally do.
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
...you can help me build a robot,
...without explanation or apology, you listed seven things under
your six things,
...you can help me with a V4,
...or you need help burying treasure. Or a body. And you have two
Who are you looking for?
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