They say that if you're over 40 and haven't been married that something's wrong with you. They're probably right. I'm naturally funny, except when I don't like someone, in which case I'm unfailingly polite. I feel that the true future of dating will be two people walking past each other on a sidewalk and being intercepted at the other end by a consultant to ask them what they thought. I'm optimistic despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Bonus points if you wear glasses, have an accent, or are good at wearing hats.

I am smart, disappointed, and funny.

Working hard and having as much fun as I can while it dribbles away.

Writing comedy, discussing movies, avoiding my family, impromptu road trips, omelets.

After my nose, my dog. And that we're both smart and impatient.

Books: Catcher In The Rye, Scoop, Born Standing Up, The Sun Also Rises, John Barleycorn, The Hound of the Baskervilles, Thank You for Smoking, P. G. Wodehouse, Life of Johnson, Travels with Charley, Ian Fleming, A Stupid and Futile Gesture, To Kill a Mockingbird, A Confederacy of Dunces, Charles Bukowski, A Clockwork Orange, High Fidelity, S. J. Perelman, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Movies: "You were born to be murdered." "What's the secret, Max?" "I Hate Illinois Nazis." "I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen." "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine." "That's how Houdini died, you know."

TV Shows: "Let's Play Hardball," "Just one more thing," "This myth, busted," "How'd you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?" "It's a crisp, autumnal afternoon in Tuscaloosa, Alabama." Plus the Sarah Silverman Program, which should never, ever have been cancelled.

Music: "Just ate a horse meat pie." "My left brain knows that all love is fleeting." "but I would not scare my pony on my boat." "There was liquor on my breath, but you were on my mind." "Everybody's in movies, it doesn't matter who you are.""But to live above the law you must be honest." "I think I know, I mean, ah yes, but it's all wrong. That is, I think I disagree."

Coffee, college football, something to read, my friends, my dog, another cup of coffee.

Optimal sandwich selection.

Out with my friends and staying at home, enjoying a beer and hanging with my dog, watching a Netflix movie and attending an art gallery opening (I'm combining my average Friday nights).

I'm serious, but most of the things I say are not. And I'm actually 54. In dating years, I'm 130.

You like boys despite what they've done to you in the past, and you use passable grammar. And you're not jumping up in the air in any of your profile pictures.