They say that if you're over 40 and haven't been married that something's wrong with you. They're probably right. I'm naturally funny, except when I don't like someone, in which case I'm unfailingly polite. I feel that the true future of dating will be two people walking past each other on a sidewalk and being intercepted at the other end by a consultant to ask them what they thought. Optimistic despite evidence to the contrary.
What I’m doing with my life
Trying to enjoy it as much as possible as it dribbles away.
I’m really good at
Writing comedy, discussing movies, avoiding my family, impromptu road trips, making oatmeal.
The first things people usually notice about me
It used to be my dog. She died a year ago, so people would REALLY notice it if I still had her.
So now, people probably notice my nose, and that I'm smart and impatient. Also, that I look younger than my age, because I use a good high-SPF moisturizer and still have my hair. Of course, in dating years, I'm 130.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: Catcher In The Rye, Scoop, Born Standing Up, The Sun Also
Rises, John Barleycorn, The Hound of the Baskervilles, Thank You
for Smoking, P. G. Wodehouse, Life of Johnson, Travels with
Charley, Ian Fleming, A Stupid and Futile Gesture, To Kill a
Mockingbird, A Confederacy of Dunces, Charles Bukowski, A Clockwork
Orange, High Fidelity, S. J. Perelman, Fear and Loathing in Las
Movies: "You were born to be murdered." "What's the secret, Max?"
"I Hate Illinois Nazis." "I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen."
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks
into mine." "That's how Houdini died, you know."
TV Shows: "Let's Play Hardball," "Just one more thing," "This myth,
busted," "How'd you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?"
"It's a crisp, autumnal afternoon in Tuscaloosa, Alabama." Plus the
Sarah Silverman Program, which should never, ever have been
Music: "Just ate a horse meat pie." "My left brain knows that all
love is fleeting." "but I would not scare my pony on my boat."
"There was liquor on my breath, but you were on my mind."
"Everybody's in movies, it doesn't matter who you are.""But to live
above the law you must be honest." "I think I know, I mean, ah yes,
but it's all wrong. That is, I think I disagree."
The six things I could never do without
Coffee, college football, something to read, my friends, my dog
(although I seem to be doing without her), another cup of coffee.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Optimal sandwich selection.
How to adjust the settings to my instagram feed
so that it doesn't
connect automatically to okcupid. Although both are stupid, the
photos without the captions are 80% stupider than the photos with
On a typical Friday night I am
Out with my friends and staying at home, enjoying a beer and
(formerly) hanging with my dog, watching a Netflix movie and
attending an art gallery opening (I'm combining my average Friday
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm serious, but most of the things I say are not.
You should message me if
You like boys despite what they've done to you in the past, and you use passable grammar. And you're not jumping up in the air in any of your profile pictures, which appears to be the female equivalent of the shirtless selfie. Also, if you can resist the temptation to say I look young "for my age," I'd appreciate it; I've listed a younger age here before because I heard that a lot.