No brunettes. You're all crazy bitches. Especially the short ones! Only natural blondes and redheads for me. Thanks.

Random hookups are a different story, though.

Also, I am an alcoholic and a chain-smoker. And I'm anal. Right now it is killing me that I don't know if it is actually "chain-smoker" or "chainsmoker" but I'm going with "chain-smoker" because it seems to me that a "chainsmoker" would be someone who smokes chains.

Yank them, yes, but smoke them, no.

There. Self-summarized in about 100 brilliant words. Go ahead, count them, you o.c.d. freak, you know you want to.

Not much. Getting older and more bitter by the day, my black heart ever shrinking and my pessimism ever growing.

Side note: A chick sent me a message saying my profile makes me sound like an asshole.

I messaged her back explaining that I am, in fact, an asshole.

Chicks are funny.

p.s. My Indian name is "Laughing Dick"

I used to think it was sex, but it turns out that my own orgasm is not a reliable measure of my sexual abilities.

I don't know. My awesomeness?

Who reads, when there is so much quality television!?

I've seen many, many movies over the years. I'm sure at least one of them was good...? Francois Truffaut est un génie. Bien, il est mort maintenant, donc il était un génie ... vous savez que je veux dire.

But, music: David Gray, seriously. I love him. Not in a gay way, though.

...Well, maybe after a few drinks?

Vietnamese or Indian food is the best. I spend much of my time (when not masturbating or watching tv) thinking about curry. It's sad, really.

Cigs, brown liquors, internet porn, British comedy, and the occasional friendly handjob.

And, yes, I know that is only five. Get over it.

Redheads. I want one so bad!

And I want to impregnate English girls! All of them! Every last tea-drinking one of them! And their moms (who, technically, would also be English girls I suppose).

Curry.

Eating curry nyotaimori-style from a naked redhead. It would, unfortunately, stain her abdomen yellow and so I would be forced to discard her like a paper plate afterwards [pats self on back for the double strike against feminists and environmentalists].

I suppose I could flip her onto her stomach and try not to think about the turmeric stains, but it seems an awful lot of work. I'd rather just have a back-up redhead waiting who isn't yellow.

...What? I'm shallow. Were you expecting Prince Charming?

Oui. Droit. C'est vrai. Je suis le Prince Charmant.

Taking a crap in a mosque parking lot.

I'm painfully shy.

I have a lot of trouble talking to girls...in fact, if we could just have sex without you saying anything, that would be super.

You have a Churchill fantasy?

You love the smell of tobacco and alcohol.

You don't mind unshaven, unkempt, and underachieving.

You have low self-esteem or want to get back at your parents (this applies especially to undergrads aged 18 to 22).

You have curry.

You're a redhead with blue eyes who wants to lose her virginity to a chain-smoker who hasn't exercised since Bush's first term. I WILL cough on you and possibly pass out from lack of oxygen, overexertion and being half-drunk.

You like sex with a partner who lies on his back smoking a cigar while you "do all the work."

You think Winnie the Pooh is sexy (or at least if Winnie the Pooh had a bad attitude and smelled of cigarette smoke and too much cologne. It's nice cologne, though. I think it is responsible for getting me laid during much of the '90s.).

...Yeah, you shouldn't; and really, why would you want to?

Please do not message me if you are married. I know my profile makes me seem like the kind of man who wouldn't care, but I do. Marriage is very important to me. If you are married, or a married couple, please understand that I would never, never, never consent to further defile your marriage bed nor defile myself in it.