I'm beginning to think my sobriety test may no longer be applicable, the test is simple, in the dark i toss my keys up high three times, if I cannot catch them I figure my coordination is shot and I should not drive. So this morning i manage three successful catches in a row, and yes I have failed before most recently after visitng the grave of my grandfather who passed in January with a bottle of scotch (unfortuantely his final resting place overlooks a fifty foot drop and the second toss was carried over the cliff into about 20 ft of water, but he is the person that taught me to drink only the decent stuff so I did not mind spending the nite with him. Yet the journey home took forever, some of it I am sure comes from not knowing the town but some of it may be that I was not as sober as I thought and am catching the keys via a trained habitual reflex, I did pull over for about 30 minutes and walked/smoked which is always enjoyable, before arriving here now.

Perhaps I have reached the point in life where it is time to take stock, had a long pseudo intellectual, at least on my part, discussion with a friend and I think that I might be on a path to nowhere special.

Tis rather amusing this so called life in which I toss myself at the feet of my perceived idols hoping that I will retain some shred of dignity hoping that the answers will arrive and that I will thrive with someone meaningful.

Saying that I realize I have unconditional love for only two people in my life my father and my daughter, it will never matter what they do or don't do they are mine and I am theirs.

Nearly three and a half decades I've longed to find that person that I can look at and know no matter what there is a love that will be there on both sides, yet with the thousands of people I have known there has been no person that meets that, and I suspect that perhaps I am a bit flawed, a bit too far from ideal to find someone to share the remaining time in that manner.

I think at this point I'll settle for someone else catching my keys on the way down and driving me home, only to let me return the favor, as well as others, later.

If only I could see my way to the end clear and concise I would not have a reason to toss my keys, I would know who would be there to catch them, who would be there for a kiss, caress, message at a glance, the one that says without a word this is what was meant to be.

I love my friends, I sometimes even love myself, but I want to love my love from this point on if perchance they read this bit of doggrel perhaps they wil know what is supposed to happen and fill me in.

if you have reached this point I thank you kindly for sticking with me on a meandering, maudlin, pieced togehter haze that has no real point other than some forlorn hope that lady luck will smile and I might be at peace for a small while, provided I dodge the bus that has my punched out ticket.

does the sky open up soft to the touch then send you back to the harshness of the ground?
What happened to time heals all wounds, revisited with some of mine and they bleed the same.
When is the next train of my life stopping to let me on?
How is it you know the differences between love, lust and acceptance.
Who is this figment of imagination that claims the title of one true love.

and all that said means not so much, just another monday to slog through, another x marking not a spot, but time slipping fast through my grasp.

Waiting...


I could count, I could pace, I could scream to the heavens, yet I just light the next cigarette. It flares orange and red, burning time as I wait for the next measure, the hope of something to treasure. What is another day, year or mile, I'll just stop here for a while, looking for rain to wash in to cool the heat, looking for nightfall to hide behind, to show something more empty than I.

Can you hear the sounds of a long wait, cricket serenades the crackle of cigarettes, passing autos, and whispers of rain in the wind, I'd roll them up and take them with me but they only come alive in the time between a now and then, the pleasure of a long slow death.

in the space of a cigarette smoked, I feel a connection to the slow burn extinguishing out providing some measure of enjoyment mixed with potential harm. Now it is gone and I'm waiting on the bliss of the next connected moment stalling out the waves of normality. It is a wait that invades my life without my notice, until the time passes and I realize that I just missed what I was waiting for.

I just want someone that when they open the door can make me smile. Someone to pass the long wait with, that makes moments connected, that can share what there is and not ask for too much more.


Now looking above a reading through, perhaps I should get a cat.

cigarette moments alone just aren't the same.

I sit/recline waiting for the inclination to go be productive to strike, it is possible that I will be waiting awhile it is also possible that the inclination to get some decent beer may come first.

"Some people reach for the sun, the moon and the stars, I just grab for my cigarettes same end result"

sigh... have to got to work yet again, please understand that since July 11th it is unlikely that I will see a full day off until August, your iPhone won't what?

One day soon I'd like to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time, not that I'm just getting 2 hours of sleep, just it would be nice to have like a 6 hour continuous stretch.

Smile, it might be your last chance today.