go crazy? don't mind if i do!!! i'm very, very tired of sitting in my house.... my damn car will still not start even though i finally managed to get a new battery (thanks to the most generous and thoughtful papa deeskey)... and i can't take sitting at home any longer. if i can't get out of kenosha for at least a day in the very immediate future i am going to go shining on my roommates and chop everyone in this house up with an axe. except the most handsome bimble, my beautiful puppy and sometimes unicorn (in my head that is). and once i have minced all my friends, bimble and i will sit back and relax, sipping some wine until the men with the white jackets come to take me away forever. hooray for thorazine!!

and to anyone who might be reading this; please pray, or knock on wood, or cross your fingers, or whatever your method of sending out good luck might be, that i get my car started soon. before you hear about me in the news.

well, it's the wee hours of the morning and i am very exhausted. i just arrived home from work only to have to return to the dreaded place of employment in oh.. about seven hours. i should probably go to sleep. especially seeing as my head feels as though it's full of mud.... but i just have to stay awake long enough to get my clothes in the dryer... so to kill time i'll babble pointlessly here in this journal. hooray for my useless time-wasting skills. maybe i'll play some freecell.... yea, that's the ticket... got to get that over all average back above 75% (oh yea, that's right... i'm that much of a nerd that i keep track of my freecell statistics). all righty then, off to geekdom i go! goodnight!

so i was talking with my room mate deonn today, and she commented to me that if she didn't know me and had read my journals she'd probably think i was an angry type of person. and i realize that she's probably right. but to explain, i find that when i'm frustrated about something, it makes me feel better to write it out. so i use my journal to vent without thinking of the repercussions of it being accessible online. so she suggested i try to write when i'm in a good mood! it snowed while i slept last night, and i always love to awake to the world blanketed in white. and i am actually very happy with my life the way it is. i love where i live, i have great friends and a loving family, and my life is generally filled with sunshine and unicorns. well, no unicorns yet (although i have been thinking that our dog Bimble would look quite dashing with a singular, golden horn growing out of his forehead). but i'm still a happy guy! don't get me wrong, i still have my days when i get fed up and i just wish i had access to the button, but the older i get and the more comfortable i am with myself the less often those days resurface. still keeping my chin up...

i am pissed off... perhaps i'm just being emotional and/or bitter, but i'm so fucking tired of apathetic, rude people that i think i might lose it. is conversating with other people really that difficult? so difficult that a person is capable of only writing a single sentence? here's a common courtesy tip for anyone who might be reading this: if someone takes the time to write you and engage you in conversation, it's polite to respond. and one sentence replies don't really count for shit. and by the by, you don't have to be interested in dating someone to be able to write messages back and forth. you could just do it for the simple pleasure of speaking with other human beings and maybe connecting with one. so to all you men out there who day in and day out sit and ignore the opportunities right in front of you i have this to say: next time you're feeling alone or miserable just know that it's your own damn fault anyway for being a shallow, unmotivated waste.

so i've been feeling quite ambivalent about the prospect of a relationship lately. it's not that i wouldn't enjoy being in one, just that more and more i don't really seem to care either way. i've never been one to try and impress potential dates. i'm not particularly aggressive and i don't put on cheesy, machismo fronts to make people notice me. i am just myself... i've listened to an encyclopedia's worth of advice on the subject of meeting that special someone. i've even tried putting some of it to use. i've made a conscious effort to 'lighten my expression' (to explain, all my friends have at one time or another told me that i look mean... to which i reply: this is just my face.), i've tried approaching men and making conversation, or sending messages. but people are rude and clearly uninterested. and rarely, if ever, write back. so i figure 'fuck 'em'.... in my younger years, i sometimes felt crippled by loneliness (as well as my self-loathing and other neuroses), but over the last three years or so i've learnt to be truly happy with myself. and trust me, it took a lot of fixing to get this ship to stop leaking (for the most part at least.... hey, no one's perfect). of course, there is still and always will be that optimistic, unwaveringly romantic side of me that truly believes that there is someone out there for everyone. so i suppose i'll never really give up on the idea of finding love. and even though it's no longer a reflection of my self-esteem, i do still get lonely.... and apparently i also write the longest journal posts ever. but even that's okay (i don't think anyone reads them anyways).

so here i am again, the early hours of the morning and not a drop of sand in my eyes. perhaps i shouldn't have downed that half-pot of coffee right before sunset, but then again, hindsight is 20-20 (and besides, it has been almost a week since i had a cup... i was in withdrawal). oh well, i haven't been awake to see the sun rise in awhile, and time is running out to witness the colors of the autumn sun reflected in the morning sky. soon we will have the silver sun of winter rising over pure, white fields of driven snow. it's like the difference between gold and platinum; both beautiful yet distinctly different... and i'm rambling... so maybe there's a few grains of sand in these eyes yet. but i'll let my words stumble on anyway.
so it's election day, and i am both excited for what the day's events might bring and slightly apprehensive to see the final results. but as always, all i can do is hope for the best. there's this little piece of naivety in me that i've never been able to shake, but at least it keeps me optimistic. so i will go now, looking forward to greeting the day, and perhaps make that other half a pot of coffee...

so i awoke at the crack of noon after my roommate deonn decided to take me out last night. we were nicely toasted by five in the morning and i wandered to bed alone as always. much fun was had by all, of course, only now i'm left feeling totally blank... and i'm trying to find the motivation to write someone but can't. nothing seems to really call to me today. maybe i'll partake in some ivory tickling and perhaps music will replenish my thirst for life.

so... another late night of unrest (or very early morning) and once again i stumble across the idea of creating a new personal... and for some reason i once again expect it to be a new and fun way to meet people... almost as if i try a different website this time, people will suddenly say 'well who's this strapping young lad and why don't i introduce myself?'... but instead, as always, naught a soul decides to surprise me with a message... in fact, again with the usual pattern, even the people i write to can't even be bothered to return a note... but i have a new theory/approach... i have deduced that every person who writes something along the lines of 'i'm very open-minded' or 'feel free to message me' or 'ask me anything' really means 'i'm only looking for a seven foot tall, gorgeous hunk of perfection, and will not reply to anyone not matching that description'... so i think from now on i'm going to search for the people who write things like 'i hate everyone' or 'don't ask me anything EVER!'... i figure at least that way i won't be surprised when they don't write back...