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47 / M / Straight / Available
His journal posts
Jul 6, 2012
The other day, I stopped into a deli to order a sandwich. Rather than take my order verbally, they handed me a pre-printed pad of options and had me circle my choices for type of bread, meat, veggies, condiments, etc. I made an off-hand joke to a friend that I used a similar system for sex.
So, of course, I had to make one. :-)
Jun 16, 2012
Goodness, yesterday's blog post sure stirred up a flurry of replies! I wish OKC's comments were threaded so that I could respond to several of the comments directly. Instead, I'll have to settle for writing this follow-up post.
- Yes, my FWB and I definitely considered each other friends long before we embarked on a FWB relationship. And I imagine we'll get back to that state eventually. But for now, they way she broke things off left a really and taste in my mouth and I'm taking a little time to get over that.
- I agree, everyone has baggage. But some people have a rolling overnight bag, and some people are carrying multiple steamer trunks.
- And yes, I definitely deserve some blame for not being as forthright as I could have. At the moment of the "why isn't this working" conversation, I couldn't figure out how to say the things in my head without being hurtful. I would have gotten there eventually, but given that the conversation ended with her saying very definitively "I'm done; this isn't working for me", it hardly seemed worth it.
- Yes, we talked very explicitly about our respective relationship needs before attempting a FWB arrangement. At length, multiple times. Including checking in on it and revisiting where things stood multiple times during the relationship.
- Yes, I struggle with the dividing line between "friends with benefits" and a straight-up boyfriend. Most of my relationships have been as a boyfriend, so that's the role I tend to slide into by default. Frankly, whether I'm having sex with a friend or not, I strive to be a pretty supportive and accommodating friend. So things like helping her with a dead car battery, offering to cook or bring her groceries, listening to her vent about work, those are all things I tend to do for any of my good friends. No way, no how was I upset because I thought doing those things entitled me to sex. (The very idea makes me gag.) But considering how present and supportive I was over several months, I was really hurt by her claim that what was lacking in the FWB arrangement was emotional support.
- I did not meet the FWB on OKCupid, and I have no reason to expect she'll ever find these blog posts. But I would not fret if she did. There's nothing in here that I would not willingly share with her directly. And I probably will, once the emotions are not quite so raw.
Anyway, there's some additional food for thought, for those people who care.
Jun 15, 2012
A "friends with benefits" relationship just ended in a fashion that made me grind my teeth with frustration.
we had been seeing each other for about three months, getting together about twice a week. Most of those occasions were purely platonic, getting breakfast together or seeing a movie. But occasionally we were getting together with more carnal intentions. With only varying levels of success. I found her physically attractive, but there were enough personality quirks that really came to the surface during sex that were pretty off-putting. I was very enthusiastic about making sure she enjoyed herself and had a good time, but I wasn't getting anything out of it. Which she had begun to notice.
We made plans to have lunch together, with a specific agenda of talking about what wasn't working for us in the bedroom. I tried to be gracious and put all the blame on myself. I said that with more time, as we both got more comfortable and more relaxed with each other, I was sure everything would be fine. And until then, I was certainly more than happy to be *ahem* "attending to her needs". I noted that it seemed like she occasionally had trouble letting go of work / life stresses and enjoying the evening, and maybe we needed to plan some longer dates or weekends where she could really let her hair down and relax.
To this point, I felt really good with how the conversation was going! Then it was her turn.
She wandered into a long discussion about how hard work had been for her the last couple of months. I tried very hard to keep quiet and let her vent while I nodded sympathetically. She then segued into voicing her dissatisfaction with where her life was today compared to how she thought it would be when she moved to the area five years ago. After considerable time getting all that off of her chest, she came back around to our relationship, and concluded that it wasn't at all meeting her needs and she was ready to be done. Her chief complaint was that she needed something much more boyfriend-like, someone who could be more supportive, someone she could depend on.
Which pushed me over the edge into serious frustration. In my head I was thinking of the multiple times I had come out late at night to help her with a dead car battery, how I offered to cook for her and bring her food when work was driving her crazy, how I paid the tab every single time we went out. I was bewildered as to how we went from a conversation about some of our sexual disconnect to a long diatribe about how hard her life is. And I got frustrated with myself for not being more explicit and pointed about that sexual disconnect and her role in it. Bottom line, I ended up feeling hugely taken for granted and completely unappreciated.
And so, we're done. I have no regrets about giving the relationship a try, but I am hugely disappointed with how self-centered she was and how much baggage she was carrying around. Sigh.
Jun 6, 2012
Just updated my profile picture; can't imagine why I'm not getting more messages.
Nov 11, 2011
I'm excited about going to a Twin Peaks-inspired burlesque show tonight, but I confess that I don't really know what to expect.
Will there be a dancer who comes out wearing a brown cardigan and carrying a log in her arms? Will there be a dwarf performer who snaps her fingers and talks backwards while stripping? Will there be a blond dancer with very pale makeup and wearing a wrap of plastic sheeting?
The mind fairly boggles. But I am -so- there.
Mar 9, 2011
When you're viewing the profile of someone in OKCupid, there's a sidebar on the lower left that lists "Similar Users". You've seen it before, right?
Does anyone ever click on the user in that list who is described as "less desiring of sex"?!
Mar 6, 2011
This weekend was full of the win; it had a little of everything. Going out to a show, staying in, doing homework and chores, playing video games and slacking. Even found time to cook, give a massage, and do a little yard work. I feel like I had a great break and am ready to face the coming week! -rawr-
Mar 4, 2011
Very happy to be headed to the March Fourth show tonight!
Any excuse to wear the leather kilt is a good one!
Feb 2, 2011
Very sad to read match.com just bought OKCupid. :-(
Jan 25, 2011
I saw Loudon Wainwright III at the Aladdin last night; what a great show! I might have been the youngest person there; it was an older crowd. I've always been a fan of LW's live recordings, but this was my first time seeing him in person, and it was even better than I'd hoped. He managed to bounce from darkly cynical and bitter, to heart-rendingly sentimental, often from one verse to the next. Now when I listen to his stuff on the iPhone, I'll be able to picture his facial rictus, the convulsive left leg and the odd tongue thrusting. :-)
I'll definitely look for him next time he comes through town.
Next up; JoCo in Feb!