Think, fast, wait; kick some ass: enlightened to some degree or another; I am rude,crude, and utterly uncultured.
I swore I wouldn't open this re-write with an over used personal pronoun. Mission accomplished: Molson time!!
On occasion I will prowl about looking for a bottle of whiskey I misplaced during my drinking days; However it doesn't properly follow that should I find a bottle, I'll drink it. When I'm drunk, I'm as much fun as a house on fire: people running around, screaming for help, police, EMS; Too much trouble, but if it moves you- fill your boots. Just don't expect a kiss afterwards.
*huurrrmm* When it comes to dating sites, OKC is the best of a bad bunch. Simply put, it has fewer deficiencies and limitations than most. For example: I speak more than six dialects of English; I couldn't tell ya how many tongues I do know, when I hear something familar, I hold forth. The arbitrary offering of 6, I take as a slight against the linguistically supurlative. Further: I read Standard English at 6000 wpm, most other Indo-European forms at 100-300 wpm, with Kanji, Koro, et al at 20+. And no, I don't speak Bocce and I sure as hell wasn't programmed for etiquette and protocol.
A few other complaints in the same vein: No tag for "Poly", (I am), or "Widowed", (That too.) Just try to imagine how bad a day that was. The time of mourning has passed, we now return to our regularly scheduled dating.
I am indifferently proud to be drug and disease free; but drama is quite another matter, as I...hold on one moment...(Lassie? Flipper? What the hell are you doing here? Timmy's trapped in a well, as a result of a money laundering scheme between the Nazi Pope and the C.I.A? Crap. O.K.-I'll find the Filthy Few and crack the armory; we'll settle their hash....) Seriously? I grew up in one of the U.F.O. hotspots of the world; a place where Tibetan monks and Sasquatch roam the hills, all the civic trees are gargantuan bonsai; it's the spot where the first lost nuclear weapon came to earth. Both the CanadArm and the egg carton had their start there, plus much stranger things in between. Anywhere else I'd stick out like a sore thumb, but in the eye of the shiticane of weirdness, I'm just another freak in the freak kingdom. God bless group camouflage.
My weapons grade sense of humor tends to obscure my sincerity and seriousness. Most folks believe that I'm kidding, exaggerating, or flat out lying. I'm not and I don't: I have neither truck nor trade with those who do.
Just to get it out of the way- Yes, I am a member of vanishingly small ethno-genetic group, so if you have some desire to torment your parental units by "nailing a spade"; jes keep walking, girlie. Hommie don't play dat.....there is also a lower age and IQ limit to ride this ride. I'm to old and wise a cat to play with fluff-brained kittens.
One of God's early proto-types, to strange to die, to weird to be mass produced; I've survived things that would have killed 5 normal humans. I grew the weirdy beardy to cover the scars....then "I told the men they go as they pleased, and then prepared to fight...." So, by process of elimination, I had to select Body Type: "Used up" 'cause there be no option for "Rolled Up Like A Tooth-Paste Tube". Though, to be Frank, I would be happy with "Ridden Hard And Put Away Wet". (It's an equestrian thing, you silly girls.) I firmly believe that life should NOT be a stately, courtly procession to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, beer in hand, carcass thoroughly used, bellowing "Now that's a goddamn Harley!" Adherence to this belief has resulted in:
- Nine medals and/or citations including three for "Constructive idiocy in the face of organized hostilities."
-Countless children named for me; I lost track due to a short attention span.
-Four separate warrants for my arrest in non-extraditable nations on charges ranging from "barrantry" to "careless discharge of a fire arm in a residential area". At least I've never tethered an alligator to a fire hydrant.
-Seasonal bouts of PTSD: As fun as a life less ordinary sounds; a lot of the shit yer exposed to is pointless, tragic and bound to haunt you, for at least five minutes after the first spade full of earth lands on yer face.
-Legal blindness in one eye. This in no way prevents me from seizing the controls of some vehicle or another and operating it in a manner reminiscent of a raped ape.
-Multiple broken bones, (including dents in both my supraorbital foramen; Google it- then be amazed.), three dental appliances, and a cane- which, more often than not, I use to gesture meaningfully with, while telling younger folk of the blizzard of '06 or being a VTOL pilot during the Korean war in a previous life. While the use of ones head is most often a wise move, it's application as a battering ram is supremely contra-indicated.
A few times a year some headhunter will catch my spoor, then present an offer; military, corporate, government, media; for Queen and Country, The Corporate States of Halliburton, or just stacks of filthy lucre. My response varies from a firm "No" to a jovial "Why don't you go outside and play a nice long game of hide-and-go fuck yourself?" Unless they send a woman. Then I just slam the curtain.
Martial Arts? Yeah, I know a few; got me a belt, to boot; it's brown, leather and keeps my pantaloons in place. For the most part I have retreated from that scene, the notion of yanking on a scrotum like it was paper towel just fills me with ennui. My dragon slaying days are done. I have, however, created a game preserve to rebuild the dragon population. Only fair since I put such a dent in it. Hence, I too, have taken my place as a teacher, molding the bodies and minds of the next generation of anti-social, scrotum-yanking dragon slayers. (You can hardly conceive of how effective that technique is. You haven't lived until you've had your scrotum yanked with malice. Then you wish you were dead.)
If I had to sum up my being as an archetype, It would be (deep breath) the only Hutt to sit on the Jedi council. A gluttonous, wrathful, lecherous defender of the downtrodden, concerned solely with the true source of light in the universe. And freaky Bangkok monkey lovin'.
What to add?
I am like water: mercurial, adaptive, implacable, life-giving,deadly, and at my best in a hot tub.
I am like earth:constant, cold, volcanic,reliable, and hard as a rock....sometimes.
I am like fire: creative,destructive,inviting, threatening, and a great comfort when camping.
I am like wind:motive, cooling, disruptive, and capable of blowing back yer hair and up yer skirt.
I am the void:like nothing you've seen before or since and sometimes, despite any evidence to the contrary, not present.
Put it all together, what do you have? A complete mess, that's what. Some things must be taken in part and metaphors are all incomplete, needing to be changed just like the oil in your car- every hunnert thousant miles or the first sleep talking epsode- which ever comes first.....
*UPDATE* After having reviewed the results of my various tests, I begin to wonder if I should not be institutionalized as a matter of pubic, (Yea and verily, PUBIC) safety. Fair warning- do not view if you are: underage, easily upset, Born Again, moralistic, a knee-jerk liberal, sex-toy designer,fashion designer, weapons manufacturer, missionary, cannibal, physician, physicist, psychic, coyote, roadrunner, and in all likelihood, a biped. If you do happen to compare my test results to yours without the use of #15 rose-tinted lenses, consult an exorcist, a timelord, and a small cat, then take two anacin, and call me in the next life. Offer invalid outside known space and Quebec (IN OR OUT). (rimshot, applause, curtain, fin.)
(Hmmm, maybe I should move that last bit to the top? Meh, it's probably fine.)
“The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.” ― Oscar Wilde
“Everyone praises the endurance of the ascetic, but no one appreciates the stamina of the hedonist. To laugh until the throat burns and smoke a cigar to soothe it, to black out but not pass out, to love without climax, to be immortal in the moment – what stoic has such fortitude?”
Bauvard, The Darkness of Nature
"Let what you love be what you do, there are 10,000, 000 ways to kneel down and kiss the ground."- Rumi
"Defiance and resistance are illegal. Therein lies the salvation of man. Everything illegal necessitates integrity, self-reliance, and courage."
"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict your expectations, limitations and prejudice; I am rounded, internally consistent and hole -Walt Whitman can kiss me arse." -The BuddhistPirate.
"So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life." - Chief Tecumseh.
It has been said that there are 10,000 paths to enlightenment; mine just happened to pass thru a BDSM dungeon, down a primrose path, into a fools paradise, up hill, down stream, on the field of battle, around the maypole, in the outdoors, past tense, beyond words. Oh, yes, before I forget: FREE TIBET! FREE O.J.! FREE THE TWINS! ERIN GO BRAGH! DAMN THE MAN! END THE FED! MEAT IS MURDER! VIVE QUEBEC LIBRE! UNO MAS!
Fuck me. I'm gonna have a lie-down before I write another protest song....*snick* *snore* *poot* ....dickable vineyards...i have to do chores........i'm not a doctor......
(We're sorry, the central nervous system you've tried to reach seems to be temporarily disconnected or out of the service area. Redial as needed, and hopefully regular service will be restored shortly. Or stay on the line and an operator will be with you five minutes after you decide the wait ain't worth the time. Appropiate hold music maybe activated here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08e9k-c91E8&feature=BFa&list=PL50D36A6C3160C554&lf=mh_lolz )
And further...... Some true afficinados of comedy have accused me of plagiarism, sorry, "homage"- nothing could be further from the truth. The reality is this: some time ago, not that far away, and for too few years I was a neighbor to the amazing, incredible, but (unfortunately) non-immortal, Irwin Barker. Such was the similarity in our thoughts, speech and outlook, that despite our differences in age, personal history, socio-economic standing, we fell into immediate, complete and life-long mutual loathing and antipathy.
Irwin Barker:June 13, 1956 – June 21, 2010.
You were an utter dick, but you're sorely missed, sir.
( http://www.irwinbarker.com/ )