I am difficult. Mostly, because I expect you to be present, honest, and direct with me. When I ask how you are doing, I actually want to know.
I seek out and acknowledge joy. I can be extremely silly. Kids usually like me, but that might be because I'm a grown up who isn't afraid of a little mud for the sake of fun.
I don't have a puritanical view on sex and the human body, but I like to have sex with mutual respect and care.
MY LIKING SEX DOES NOT MEAN I WOULD LIKE SEX WITH YOU. If you can't find something of substance from my profile worth noting in a message, chances are, you are a hard pass.
I just adopted a two-year-old lab-mix, so most of my "social" time is now spent taking him on long walks, or curled up on the couch with my four-legged cuddle-buddy.
I think beyond the initial attraction of intelligence, charisma, and aesthetic, there are seven major planes of compatibility in relationships: how you each define your own sexuality, how open to additional paramours or partners you are, how often you each like to have sex (and perhaps dovetailed with that, how kinky you like said sex to be), what kind of "relationship time" you need, how often do you like to be social/where do you get your energy from, how do you each communicate, and how do you deal with conflicts.
Most people are comfortable identifying along the Kinsey scale, and while I think sexuality is more complicated than that line, it's a good place to start. I land somewhere in the middle, leaning a little more heterosexual, romantically. If you prefer the red-purple scale that's making the rounds, I am an E2.
When it comes to monogamy vs non-monogamy, I know the classic one-man-one-woman set up doesn't work for me, because I still get hung up on ladies--albeit more sexually than romantically. True open doesn't really work for me, either, though, because I start to feel insecure and undervalued if my partner seems to be fucking everything that moves. I think a perfect scenario would be one where most of the time my relationship looks and feels monogamous, but where there can be exceptions, as long as the decisions are made by both of us, before hand. Being honest about our lust, asking permission, checking in to make sure we are both comfortable, respecting the relationship, instead of asking for forgiveness... Maybe that is asking for a lot of emotional maturity from myself and a partner, but it leaves room for some exciting play, too.
Unequal libidos are frustrating for all parties involved. Sex is a balm, in my opinion. So if one partner is only initiating once a month, and the other is feeling rejected by the lack of what they perceive as interest... It can breed resentment. I love good sex, don't get me wrong, but after the honeymoon, I'm not great at initiating. I spent my early twenties with a partner who constantly rejected me, so I'm much more reactive, sexually, than a consistent initiator. I still like orgasms, daily. Long term partners without an equally high drive are ill fated, in my experience. I'm also into exploring sex as a way of connecting. I think "kink" and exploring different facets of sexuality can be ridiculously intimate and fun. I definitely have hard limits, but I'm also very much into getting my partner off, so being sexually curious together is always important to me.
I'm not the kind of girl who gets lost in a relationship. I can be super intense, and usually want to be very intimate with a partner, physically and emotionally, but that doesn't mean I lose who I am while I am with them. I'm supportive, and happy to cheerlead a partner's successes, and try to mitigate the hurt in their disappointments, but it takes me a while to become a true "we." I think there are two ways partners "charge up" their relationship energy. I am an ambient charge. If we see each other for dinner, and I hear about your day, we watch a movie, and sleep together... That's a ton of relationship time to me. I've had partners that require specific, focused relationship time, and it usually makes me feel smothered. If I'm all charged up, ambiently, and I still have to put in this extra time, it can be exhausting. I might request a "date night" for a special event in town, or because we are celebrating something significant, but most of the time, I just need a partner who is engaged when they are present, and doesn't need to be entertained.
In the same way that people "charge up" their relationship energy differently, I think that the introvert/extrovert, social/antisocial spectrums are very important to success in relationships. I am a social introvert. Most people mistake me for an extrovert, and I do get a certain charge out of group settings, and being with friends, but really, being social is a learned behavior from when I was a kid, and realized that extroversion was rewarded more than introversion was in academia. So, while I like a lot of social time, usually--dinners with friends, game nights, running club, bar nights--being too social, or social outside of the right headspace can be really stressful. If I don't take a night or two a week to completely recharge, I can suck myself dry. I have to be careful not to over-obligate my time, or I burnout. Nights in on the couch with a crappy TV show or a book are essential.
I think all relationships require a lot of communication and self-reflection. It takes work to think about how you are feeling and why, but if you aren't willing to do that work, you can't expect a partner to magically gauge your own emotions and needs.
Do not message me if direct communication makes you uncomfortable. I have no patience for passive aggressive behavior. I won't expect you to read my mind, and if I want or need something, I'm not shy about asking for it. Consequently, I trust my friends and potential partners to tell me how they feel, and to be direct with me.
Never hesitate to tell me something, even if it is with brutal honesty. I would much rather have an unpleasant conversation, than let bad feelings fester. I have a very hard time leaving things unsaid, walking away from a fight, or letting go of something until I have had a chance to talk it through. If you like your blinders, if you can't stomach conflict long enough to work through to a resolution, or if you don't like processing a conflict with a conversation, I am not the right woman to spend your time with.
There is something exceptionally attractive about a person who is confident and understands what s/he is bringing to the table. Smart is sexy. My inner circle of friends and partners all know their own merit, but don't take themselves too seriously, either.
A potential partner should know what they want, professionally, socially, and sexually. Ambition is attractive. If you vacillate or are indecisive, my type-A-assertiveness will grate.
I am a toucher and a cuddler. I try to be cognizant of other people's boundaries, but if I like you, all bets are off.
I love smart, tall men. I think minds are sexy as hell, and that good conversation and flirtation are necessary foreplay.
I don't really have a "type" with women, but my relationships with women are sexualized friendships. When the physicality drifts to include sex, I stay emotionally invested as friends, but it doesn't usually translate past lust to something more romantic.