I'm going to ignore the questions and use this space to tell you random stories, because I think you will find it more informative, and also because it was far more fun to write.

When I bought my house, I tried to convince the seller to accept the down payment in $2 bills, and I nearly succeeded. I even had a bank lined up that would give me the $2s (BofA, Harvard Square, commercial services dept)

In 2004, my girlfriend got a car, and I took my first ever non-family road trip, to Nova Scotia. One of the most memorable events of the trip was driving around Truro in the fog, with no map, trying to find Murphy's Fish and Chips, stopping occasionally to wipe the windshield so we could see out. We eventually gave up and checked into a motel, where the clerk gave us a map showing where it was... but by then it was closed. Six years later, we went back to Truro, and I finally ate at Murphy's. It was the best fish and chips I ever had. Some say hunger is the best spice, but I say deferred gratification.

I like coffee. I like it so much that I built my own electronic coffee roaster. I have a graduated cylinder, two refractometers, three scales, six coffee grinders, and eight distinct kinds of brewing apparatus. I'm not too proud to go to Dunkin Donuts with you, though. I'll have the artificial cinnamon flavor please.

I painted "fnord" all over the walls of my house in glow-in-the-dark paint. I had to special-order the glow in the dark paint from MSC in Pennsylvania. The guest room has a septagram over the bed. (UPDATE: In reference to this, my girlfriend got me a blankie with "fnord" embroided on it. Awwwww!)

Things other people have said to or about me:

"Well, you do have a cute ass! That isn't up for debate."
"I do think you're nice, and I do think you're a man, but when people say I should marry a nice man, I don't think you're what they mean."
"I trust him to have a pen." "Pen? I trust him to have an acetylene torch."
"Why are you the only one who can handle the truth?" "Why are you the only person it's OK to be emotional around?"
"Maybe you don't get along with other people very well because you have such strange views."
"Keep in mind that many people are fundamentally unlike you in many regards. And I mean that in the nicest way possible."
"What about you isn't strange?"
"you are a sick, sick bastard."
"I HATE YOU. i hate you and we're so doomed."

I am made entirely of normal matter. I am guaranteed to be 99.999% antimatter free or I will refund your money.

I used to have some sketches of myself as my profile photo, but they were involuntarily deleted. I am very cross about it, because now my username isn't a double entendre.

I have a tophat that I made out of carbon fiber. I use a pocket watch. I carry a tape measure. Sometimes people borrow it and then act confused about why I have it, which seems disingenuous to me.

I sketch with a 2mm drafting pencil. My proprioception is substandard. I keep a bottle of paint in my car to repair the scratches that I get trying to parallel park before they rust. I clicked the button called "style guide" expecting it to be a tutorial on how to write effective profile essays.

Here are some especially tasteless jokes I've either told or laughed at:

"I like my [member of desired gender] the way I like my coffee: tied up in a burlap sack and carried over the Andes on the back of a donkey."

(driving past the Perkins School for the Blind): "Why are the lights on?"

"What was the pirate's favorite number?" "I don't know, tell me." "132.4." "Why 132.4?" "It's arrrrrrrrbitrary!"

I'm attracted to confident people with passions and interests. I'm attracted to unusual and eccentric people. Brilliant is good, but criminally insane is a close second.

I don't care much about body type or conventional attractiveness, but I am a sucker for tight clothes. also, brains. braaaaaaaaaaaains.

I'm dating two people at the moment, one of whom is often long-distance. I'm open to many kinds of relationships and do not have a particular goal in mind. For serious relationships, I like people with high ambitions and a life and career which are already moderately successful. No, grad school doesn't count as a career unless you're Noah Wyle in The Librarian.

Professionally, I'm in the software/internet business, with sidelines in robotics and airline optimization. My work is an important part of my life, and it's been a struggle. I spent too long on staff at a university before figuring out it had no future, started two companies that floundered, then spent three years as a small cog in a large internet machine. Recently I moved to a much smaller company, and I lead a group working on interesting projects which matter to the people around me. It's the best so far. I've had work in the past which I enjoyed, and I've had work which paid well, but it's novel having both simultaneously. I hope it lasts.

Philosophically, I believe that the world is contained within the mind, and I simultaneously believe that the mind is contained within the world. It's a good thing my own tail is so darn TASTY!

Religiously, I am a simularian. We believe that the entire universe could be a simulation run by graduate students. If they lose funding, it will be shut off. Therefore, we should make interesting decisions so that their papers will be accepted for publication and their sponsor will continue the program.

Dates I have had which were fun:

* Running around outside in a thunderstorm in July
* Driving through Nova Scotia in impenetrable fog
* Taking pictures of each other
* Walking around in the woods, then eating ice cream
* Writing intentionally bad poetry and freshman-style essays
* Exploring the underside of a bridge
* Quantifying the flammability of rum-based drinks
* Having dinner and spending the evening in bed

Dates I have had which were not fun:

* Sitting in a coffee shop, trying to find something in common to talk about, and failing
* Sitting in someone's apartment, trying to find something in common to talk about, and failing
* Sitting in a bar, trying to find something in common to talk about, failing, and paying $12 per drink for the privilege

I don't actually have an acetylene torch. My current house is small, so I gave it to a friend who has a better work space.

All my friends agree that if I were a My Little Pony from the current series, I would be Pinkie Pie.

you are invincible, more than 1000 years old, incorporeal, or present in multiple timelines simultaneously

you like smartasses with odd notions