Write a little about yourself. Just a paragraph will do.
I am an absolutely terrible male member of the homo sapiens species
living on the third planet from an average-sized yellow star in the
western backwaters of the galaxy. Sometimes, I like to sit outside
and gaze at the stars, pondering the meaning of life. And then it
hits me that I left the stove on and the kitchen might be on
I do a lot of regular people things, like eating, breathing, and
going to the bathroom. But somehow I think god likes to use me as
an example to others - I've been struck by lightning multiple times
whilst cursing his name. Though I'm sure that has nothing to do
with the fact that I was standing at the top of a treeless hill and
shaking an aluminum baseball bat at the sky in the midst of a
A lot of my friends say that they can read me like a book. I don't
quite get what they mean. I'm Finnegans Wake.
What I’m doing with my life
Don’t overthink this one; tell us what you’re doing day-to-day.
Mostly filling out empty essays on OkCupid for no good reason.
Aside from the aforementioned task vital for my survival, I'm
starting in a PhD program, doing science pretending it's CSI, and
sitting in classrooms pretending that I'm taking notes and paying
attention while I think about what would happen if I released a
hundred gerbils in the food court.
I guess I'm an outdoorsy person? I enjoy hiking through the woods,
cuddling cute bear cubs, being mauled by mama bear, and running out
of the woods with blood gushing out from my wounds. I enjoy
whitewater rafting (the people at Splash Mountain know me by name,
phone number, credit card number, billing address, and social
security number), fishing (though I have been banned from all of
the SeaWorld parks for bringing in harpoon guns), and canoeing (I
keep hearing banjos, though, and I always need to paddle
Backpacking is nice. I like to get in touch with nature. It's nice.
Over the summer a friend and I decided to hike the Bear
Mountain-Harriman section of the AT. Pushing 21 miles in two days
over rocky and mountainous terrain while wearing Chacos gives you
some pretty mean blisters.
I enjoy the simple things in life, such as the soothing sound of
ten thousand vuvuzelas trumpeting in unison, the deep crimson
colour of potassium permanganate solution when someone accidentally
put her arm in there, and the endless green foliage of a pristine
forest marred only by sound of chainsaws and trees falling when
there are people around to hear them.
My dream girl would take long walks with me on the beach at sunset,
when the golden rays of the setting sun cast that mesmerizing sheen
on the sand. We'd feed the seagulls chips laced with Ex-Lax, and
watch the ensuing (literal) shitstorm. She'd stand back and take in
the big picture, ignoring the small details like the third arm
growing out of my chest. She'd love me for who I am regardless of
what I turn into at full moon (a giant overweight chicken, that is.
Werewolves are too mainstream).
I’m really good at
Go on, brag a little (or a lot). We won’t judge.
I have an amazing set of survival skills. I can breathe really well
(suck up all that oxygen!), and my heart definitely does a good job
of pushing blood through my veins (yeah! push that oxygen around!).
I can also digest food and produce excrement.
One of my superpowers is giving people diabetes. When I bake things
I like to add pounds of chocolate to them.
The first things people usually notice about me
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
That I am standing half-naked in a pentagram, smeared with the
blood of a young lamb, and performing animal sacrifice to Globar,
the heathen god of useless trinkets, praying for the resurrection
of my dead hard drive.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Help your potential matches find common interests.
Loving me is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street,
but you can go your own way.
I'm gonna wreck it! (but Don't Panic. Everything is Awesome right
Oh my glob. Double double animal style. D'oh! I got regular and not
animal fries >.<
I am a coffee snob. I grind my own beans and pull my own shots. If
it weren't for the fact that it's hellishly expensive, I'd probably
be roasting my own beans too. No, there's no X in it; it's
pronounced ESS-presso. The Starbucks macchiato is a bastardization
of a real macchiato. "Tall," "grande," and "venti" mean the exact
same thing, but in different languages. My roommate thinks I drink
coffee for the caffeine. What? I drink coffee purely for enjoyment.
If I wanted caffeine I might as well get an IV drip.
The six things I could never do without
Think outside the box. Sometimes the little things can say a lot.
- A giant powdery manbaby
- A cooler full of organs
- The mere concept of Applebee's®
- Vigorous jazz hands
- A box that is conscious and wishes it weren't a box
- The violation of our most basic human rights.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Global warming, lunch, or your next vacation… it’s all fair game.
- Being worshipped as the one true God.
- The inevitable heat death of the universe.
- Free ice cream, yo.
- Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at
- A zesty breakfast burrito.
Also, secretly wondering how many people actually tried to call me
after reading my profile.
On a typical Friday night I am
Netflix and takeout, or getting your party on — how do you let loose?
Dancing on tabletops
Taking too many shots
Thinking we kissed but forgetting
Maxing our credit cards
Getting kicked out of the bar
Hitting the boulevard
Going streaking in the park
Skinny dipping in the dark
Having a ménage-a-trois
Thinking we broke the law
Always saying we're gonna stop
Doing it all again this Friday night.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I’m an empty essay… fill me out!
I sleep with stuffed animals?
I name all the inanimate objects near and dear to me?
Most of my time in okc is when I'm sitting on the porcelain throne?
You should message me if
Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
You do not fall into any of the following categories: the dead, the
living dead, the reanimated dead, the undead, Tea Partiers (except
those in princess tutus and tiaras), bible-humpers, the possessed,
the demented, the (self) righteous, aliens, a species chromosomally
incompatible with humans, machines designed to resemble humans
(except cylons. cylon are hawt), the grammatically or
orthographically impaired, two midgets in a trench coat (though I
do love adorably short people), a single midget in a trench coat on
stilts, or oompa loompas.
Or, in the unlikely event that one has missed my eyes, you noticed
a typo in my profile.
Or, especially if you understand the concept of keming, and the
visual appearance of that word just made you cringe.
Or if you enjoy singing along (horribly) to Broadyway showtunes in
Did you really read all the way down here, and didn't skip the
middle? Kudos to you! I owe you a cookie! Call 985-655-2500 to
arrange your cookie delivery by a team of highly trained monkeys.
Who are you looking for?
This helps us know who to show you on OkCupid.