Offer a few tips to help matches win you over.
A) You are serene, sweet, smart & sexy.
B) You don't expect dancing until we have a joint checking
C) You won't laugh if I say:
There you go, already laughing at how we came to be what we are and
what we hope to be from now on. I can only imagine the space
between people that reels across oddly shaped paper with a savory
The sloppy soft rapture of me alone with you lies dangerously close
to either joyful noise or fearful symmetry until reflected light
reveals the shape of things beneath our secretly shared
If only all the rest who noisily prepare for flight were found
still tingling along the pale sloping waters that seldom end
patiently. Here and elsewhere an accumulated presence walks through
me; the same way nothing never happens.
****** Your ad should not contain the following words unless they
are meant ironically:
sassy, don't own a television, edge, edgy, bad boy, cool or hot
(non-temperature usage), rock (as a verb), as comfortable in a tux
as he is in jeans, fine dining, comfortable in your/my own skin,
long walks [on the beach / in the rain / at sunset], indie film,
partner in crime, quirky, spunky, awesome (non-theological usage),
soul mate, emoticons, dude, hip (non-anatomical usage), David
A special note on "chemistry" I think some of you are expecting
some sort of magical, instantaneous, movie romance connection.
While this isn't impossible, it is, at best, unlikely. Trust me; a
rapport that you make is much better than one that you find. Anyone
can find lust at first sight, but love takes longer. Now you can
get back to the funny.
Also, what's with all the requests for "someone who is nice to the
waitstaff"? Are imperious asses that pervasive?
I notice that many of you put some legal boilerplate at the bottom
of your profiles warning people not to disseminate the content of
your profiles. First, any competent attorney will tell you that
this has no legal weight, especially since, in opening a profile,
you've agreed to terms and conditions that obviate such a
Also, remember that most of us have already revealed intimate
details about our sexual preferences, political leanings and
religious beliefs in the “The Two of Us” questionnaire. If you
think that the corporate overlords running this site are not
already sharing this information with their corporate overlord
buddies, then you haven’t been reading the news lately. Maybe it’s
“anonymized”, maybe not; but it’s out there.
So here’s a real warning that you can put at the bottom of your
profile that will truly deter the squeamish:
Any person and/or institution using this website or any of its
associated websites, you do NOT have my permission to utilize any
of my profile information nor any of the content contained herein
including but not limited to my PHOTOS. You are hereby notified
that you are strictly prohibited from disclosing, copying,
distributing, disseminating, or taking any other action with regard
to this profile and the contents herein. The foregoing prohibitions
also apply to your employee(s), agent(s), student(s) or any
personnel under your direction or control. The contents of this
profile are private and legally privileged and confidential
information; violation of my personal privacy is punishable by my
unleashing of a team of highly trained and highly motivated raccoon
assassins. Yes, they will begin by knocking over your garbage cans
and harassing your pets, but will quickly move on to wrecking your
credit rating, getting you fired and then finishing you off with a
series of antics that are simultaneously blood-curdling and
On a related note, why is there not a beloved cartoon character
based on the raccoon? We’ve got Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse and a
variety of other characters built on non-charismatic animal models.
Raccoons have the bandit mask, the stripped tail, the hand-like
paws and the mischievousness already built in. Setting aside, my
above mentioned nefarious use of raccoons, I think we’re missing a
real marketing opportunity here. So if anyone does launch a
world-wide marketing campaign using the Procyon lotor, make sure to
get me my 10% and a “Creative Consultant” credit.