I've come to an epiphany lately: that every romantic relationship I've really valued in my life (and a few I haven't) has been with a drunk, whorish, cynical tomboy. Someone who is smart enough to get all my weird references, someone who has critical-thinking skills enough to take a reasonable and educated stance on issues, and somebody who isn't terrified of being themselves. That's what I want, because I'm pretty much the same. Readers are incredibly sexy. Readers who drink scotch are even better. Readers who drink scotch and are, somehow, not horribly cynical (just a little cynical) and self-centered are the absolute best. What can I say, I finally figured out that I have a specific type.

Though don't get me wrong, I'm not totally one-dimensional. I'm a proper mammal, so I enjoy indulging my tender, gentle, caring side whenever I can, which I guess is one of the reasons I'm here.

I'm from Colorado, but I'm not very Colorado-y. I don't own a Subaru. I don't have a dog, and if I did it sure as hell wouldn't wear a bandana. Skiing seems a lot like an amusement park ride: a two-hour drive and forty minutes in line for thirty seconds of fun, although unlike the amusement park there aren't girls in Daisy Dukes or funnel cakes to break the tedium. Hiking is just fancy-walking, though I like tromping around in the wilderness to find edible plants, mushrooms, fossils, and artifacts. I figure if I'm not somehow plundering Mother Earth of her riches, I'm doing a bad job of being human.

Oh yeah, and don't forget to be sane. That means a healthy attitude towards intimacy, sex, and all the proper skills to show courtesy and consideration to your fellow human. Eccentric is encouraged - crazy is not. If you have 1) screamed at anyone for an extended period of time, 2) sobbed in a public place, or 3) hit on somebody to make somebody else jealous in the last, let's say, three years, then I'm not the guy for you (though I wish you the best of luck). The whole point of OkCupid is to filter out the crazies BEFORE you get involved with them, right?

Working for the man. Enjoying: having nice grown-up things. Not Enjoying: being unable to be a raging party-animal anymore.

Making a pittance writing for Sci Fi and Fantasy magazines. Soon becoming a guild member of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America, because if I'm not going to make any money at least I should have a fancy title to impress 22-year-olds in bars.

Writing, sculpting, fencing, memorizing volumes of useless arcana, starting stupid, ambitious projects and finishing about 60% of them, being a curmudgeon.

That I can't go ten minutes without making a reference to weird historical items or horror films. I have a sneaking suspicion the character of Mark Corrigan was partially based off me (sans bad teeth, weird balls, and crushing insecurity).

I couldn't begin to say all my favorites, but here are some genres:

Books: Sci fi, classic lit, magical realism, fantasy, noir, ancient/medieval epics, and a whole lotta comic books.

Movies: the list is too damn long, but it generally falls into four categories: great movies, okay movies, movies with good potential that didn't quite come out right, and rolling-on-the-floor-shrieking-with-laughter terrible movies. Fifty percent of the movies I watch are from the 70's, and most of those are Italian, which explains a lot about the aforementioned categories. My other favorite are Serbian movies though, paradoxically, not "a Serbian Movie".

Music: Heavy metal, bruh, the more epic and Finnish the better. I need a daily dose of pagan Scandinavian steel like diabetics need insulin or strippers need someone who reminds them of their father to compliment them. A few years back, I saw a show featuring Tyr, Ensiferum, Turisas, and Elvueitie and still consider it one of the highlights of my life. Also very into Psych. Rock, Garage rock, and a variety of international music.

Food: I'll eat just about anything. I've tried chicken feet, cow lungs, snake venom, blowfish, raw horse meat, and dog. I draw the line at mayonnaise, though.

Bacon, redheads, Netflix, pulp literature, a good word-processing program, and spite.

The future. Not my future - humanity's future. I wish I was born in the future generation that will colonize the stars. That, and the past. I want to live in Minoan Crete.

Drinking with my friends, talking about terrible low-budget movies, and generally being a nuisance, though lately I'm beginning to value the quiet night at home. Guess I'm getting old.

What, are you a cop?

- If you want to. Especially if you fit the description written above.
- If you pass the John Waters test.
- If you understand that I'm a working stiff and I won't spontaneously meet you somewhere at 1:00 AM.
- If you ain't flaky. Seriously, flakiness... instant deal-breaker.