I came across this match question the other day.  It bugged me.  Seriously bugged me.

Um. No.  There's no way in hell I could go back and tell my 7 year old self some of what I now know. It would mean telling her things like that hell on earth extends one way or another until almost 41. It would mean telling her that the only thing that stops Dad is moving out of the house and then stopping ALL communication with him to stop the verbal/emotional stuff - and that he'd try to start it up not long before he passed away but at that point in time he'd be so incoherent the phone calls were nonsense and grunts. It would mean telling her what would happen at college at that the guy would follow it up with 4 years of stalking - that culminated in his breaking into her apartment regularly to do things like rearrange furniture until what turns out to be her husband (and exactly what you might get by crossing the college guy with Dad) lets it be known that someone of the college guy's EXACT description has been hanging around her apartment and the local (Clovis, CA) police decide on the basis of her appearance and his description that he was Mexican and she was white and that they were going to hunt him down because they "have issues with Mexicans messing with their white women". The troubles with him stopped, but even years later at almost 41, she'll still not be sure she wants to know what they did nor will she be sure that was the right was to stop it. That the guy who warned her about the college guy will end up being her husband - and all those things she hated about college guy AND her Dad - and he'll do everything that both of them did to terrify her and more. And for the third and eventually fourth time in her life NO ONE will give a damn that should be doing something about what's been done. Well, not until it came to the attention of a whole lot of advocacy groups that her husband was at about a dozen violations of a protection order and they all started contacting the prosecutor and city attorney.

No, to tell HER all that would be to steal what precious little bit of childhood hope I had left. The hope that I would be able to go to the college I wanted, do what I wanted when I grew up, and escape - relatively easily - to a place where no one would hurt me like had happened all my childhood with no one caring.  I'd prefer to keep my knowledge to myself and let my young self hold onto hope.  I'm pretty sure that hope was how I survived this long.

Now admittedly, whoever posted the question probably wasn't thinking about anything like this when they posted it.  Unfortunately, this hid in my mind's closet and couldn't be ignored in answering the question.  And yeah, I do really come with a protection order violating ex in the process of being prosecuted.  But I've learned to accept what I've endured.  I never would have thought this while it was happening, but in many ways, it's strengthened me.

I've noticed a trend and that I have a different opinion so figure I'll explain myself.  There's a question in the match questions about whether we care more about earning our partner's loyalty or trust.  Seems most are answering loyalty.  I *expect* loyalty of the agreed upon type and degree for the relationship (be it monogamy or open or poly or whatever) and I *care* about trust.

This may have something to do with coming out of a family - and a prior relationship - where loyalty was rather freely given but trust was almost never there.  My ex for example, the strangest and silliest things would have him SERIOUSLY accusing me of affairs or of at least attempting them.  Things as strange as taking an extra 5 minutes to walk my dog or wearing a pair of undies to go out of the home alone that wasn't clearly destined for the trash.  Yet, if I was willing to put up with this - and many other attitude problems, he'd ALWAYS be there - just ALWAYS driving me bonkers with distrust.  My Dad was the same way.  A phone call in another room, meant that I was "talking to someone I shouldn't be talking to and talking about something I shouldn't be talking about" - it couldn't possibly be that I was discussing homework with a trusted (meaning one he'd "accepted") and needed to be able to hear better.  With both of them, they'd grill until they got a "confession" that "proved" their accusation correct - because it just wasn't possible that their paranoia was wrong.

I've only had one experience with a partner who wasn't loyal.  But there was an underlying issue there.  Never date anyone with a substance abuse problem.  So trust is much more, um, I guess the word is valuable to me. So I expect that partners will be loyal in the agreed upon way - meaning that if we're monogamous we will be or if we agree to tell each other about other partners that's what we do, etc.  It's trust that I hope to earn and value more. 

Well, the worst of the holidays for me are over.  I'm able to come out of hiding now. I admit it, I'm not a big fan of Christmas.  A childhood full of annual paranoid tantrums from a mentally ill Dad who refused to admit it was HIS problem and NOT OURS really does a number on holiday enjoyment.  The preparation I enjoy.  Time with friends, I enjoy too.  But the day itself - I could skip.  Same with Thanksgiving and for the same reason.

I hope the rest of OkC had a good holiday.  For what it's worth, while mine was quiet, it was the best Christmas I've had in YEARS. That's why I'm out of hibernation early :)

Remember that writer's block?  It's finally broken - and the story posted.  Now to just finish packing and moving.  Ugh.  I hate moving - though this IS a good move.  I get to lose a mostly feral pet rat and get out of a horrid building.  Plus the new place has a nice window.  Yippee!

I hate packing.  Packing is a pain in the arse under the best of circumstances.  This is NOT the best of circumstances.  My move is now delayed - by a week - so I'm surrounded by boxes.  Those two things would be enough.  But no, life had to throw one more monkey wrench into the mix.

My apartment is FULL - yes FULL - of crap from my hoarder of an ex who never came to pick up any of his crap.  What do I do with stuff that's mostly his and half a step or so above garbage?  I'm not moving it. I can't leave it here.  I'm definitely not paying to store it for him.  And there's his dead car too.  Well, our dead car, since he never paid me for my half of it.

Ugh.  But on the bright side, I'm packed EARLY, super early. Which is very unlike me.  I'm usually a procrastinator who's packing as the truck gets loaded.  

Then again, no, I haven't managed to get past the writer's block from the other day.  

I can't write what I want, where I want, so I'll see if I can write HERE.  I like OkC, it's just not where I'm wanting to write tonight.  Does that make sense?  I suppose it might to writers or to anyone who's ever actively tried to avoid writing a report...

Let's see, since sitting down to write - and I had the idea in my head while walking my dog - I've stopped to make tea, adjusted the heater at least three times, done a little packing (that's how desperately blocked I am), cleaned my desk, cleaned my email, did a lot of web surfing, fought lots of vampires in Facebook's Vampire Wars (even hung out there long enough to get my energy back up for another mission), tried out new makeup I bought today, watched part of The Incredibles, piddled repeatedly with my music on Last.fm, talked to friends on Yahoo IM, even brushed my dog (who hates having his tushie brushed). Now it's hours later and I STILL can't quite figure out how to put the topic into words...despite knowing it's what I want to write about.  Ugh.

But I did learn something - Akitas can snore.  Quite loudly too.  I had to turn up my headphones.

Today he made me stay awake when he realized I'd awakened when rolling over around the time the sun rose - at what was it? 6am? I am NOT a morning person.  When did he become a morning dog?

On a brighter note - pun not intended since the sun shines in my apartment in the morning - there IS coffee (thank goodness for that!) and I *did* take the advice to change my profile pic.  Thank you all :)

Mostly just figured I'd say good morning since it's such a bright and lovely morning.  Hello again OKC!

Well, hmm. I'd never really realized this was here till Staff Robot said this was the next step in completing my profile. So guess I'll say something about my day.  Days start awfully early when a 110 pound Akita decides at about a quarter to 5 in the morning that he just *has* to go out before the rain for his morning walk - only to do nothing but walk.  I think he wanted us both to get wet or maybe it was his way of trying to get out of his upcoming bath.

Recently, I learned courtesy of urbandictionary that I'm prone to creating what they call "pun-ishment". A series of at least 3 puns in a row.  Yes, I often say puns - or write them.  Bad habit born from childhood pun contests and it just stuck.

And now I sit here, trying to figure out how to really write a journal while halfway pretending to watch broadcast television and listening to my Akita (Angel) snoring his way through a doggy dream.

So hello out there OkCupid!