I'm the mild mannered man of your dreams, the Clark Kent to your sweet, sweet Lois Lane. I'm the Mr. Right your poor doting mother talked so lovingly about right before she began to trash talk your dad. I'm the Alpha and Omega of sexual pleasure. The worlds I take you to will be worlds found in the pages of epic books that take place in places like Linguida or Far-far-awayfar (if you tried to Google either of those places please stop reading, I'm not looking for an idiot. But wait? Are you as hot as some sexy hot actress? Then by all means, keep reading. I'm sure you'll only understand every third word but hey, you're sexy and no one cares if you can read.) or even the Mushroom Kingdom baby! Yes, I am the man of your dreams but I'm non-fiction.
I've got all the money, fat stacks and I like to spread it all around. I'm very generous with that green flow. I will buy you all that expensive meaningless crap you think makes you better than your girlfriends. Because, you're right, you are a princess and should be dressed like one. You should also have the makeup and jewelry to match as well. I'm really into smart, superficial girls. Are you both intelligent and in love with material possessions? Do you enjoy receiving multiple orgasms from a rather sizable member? Do you scour the internet in hopes of finding that prince charming who will sweep you away from that computer screen and into a big screen romantic relationship? Do you?! Do you??!! Yes you do and I'm that man. I'm all man and all right and all perfect. Almost like the Six Million Dollar Man but FUCK THAT BITCH. He ain't got jack on my ass.
So Ladies, what are you waiting for? I've got the looks, the money and the attitude of something that embodies all three (with whatever tweak is needed that turns you on). I'm the VROOM VROOM to your BOOM BOOM. The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang to your Mary Poppins. I am some other film from long ago mashed questionably together with some other film from long ago. Did you know my automatic spell check just told me that both 'Chitty' and 'Poppins' were misspelled? Fuck that spell check. It's a fickle bitch and I just told it what's what. What? That's right, I've got control over my hardware and software. Wouldn't you love to finally have a man who can tell a computer what's what while still giving you all the attention and praise you so rightly deserve? Heck yes you would.
I am that man. That man who you've only thought you dreamt about, and I do mean only thought. Because baby, when you finally meet this (I can only describe myself as some kind of Deity) Caesar Apollo Zeus Nike (Cause every perfect man is in tune with his feminine side) you will be simply blown away.
Here's what other ladies have already said about soon to be yours truly:
'Blown. Fucking. Away.' -Marla Singer
'I was all like Daaaammmmmnnnnnnnn and then he kissed me and I've never been the same since that summer...it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...because he left me.'-Martha Stewart
'I've never wanted to have a vagina so much in my entire life.' -Brad Pitt
'If dreams were made flesh it would be him.' -Mary Shelly
I've got a thing for girls with 'M' names so if that's you-You're at the top of my very exclusive list. So yeah, you online looking for that sweet love and you've found it baby. So what are you waiting for? I've got two tickets to Lady GaGa or some other musical act that you adore just waiting for you, and these tickets come with an all access pass to sexy music land. That means we get to go backstage where people tend to do drugs, have sex with famous people and look at smelly teamsters. Smelly teamsters are a strange breed and I've nothing in common with them. So if you like that sort of thing I'm sure there's a bar near you with a row of Harley's in front. You can find that there.
So yes, fulfill your dreams, your destiny, all of your romantic and selfish passions and fantasies. All the crap you've seen in movies! Do it all, and more, with me, your perfect man.