I've tried to keep my body, mind and spirit strong, but today I just couldn't take it any longer and broke down, so while waiting for my train, and then while riding it home and before my phone's battery dies, I am writing this, my message in a bottle.
I'd also like to note that after a humid day of grunt work that has left me covered in dust and sweat, I have just consumed two bottles of Bud Light that a nice customer of the warehouse I work at left me and my workmates. * This warehouse where I work is the only place where I will get a chance to socialize in this isolated life of mine, where I am privileged to pass the day amongst the good-hearted, right-wing, Toronto Sun newspaper reading, working class of which I am forever grateful for their company, though we may not agree on much outside of our shared complaints against the management.
To begin with I'm going out of my mind with this isolated existence I've constructed for myself. I've spent the majority of my twenties with my head buried in literature, and my thirties in academic literature, all the while alone for nearly 99% of it. I can barely even relate or be around my family members any longer. They are all wonderful, successful and lovely folks, I just can't relate to their position and outlook on life, with their focus on domesticity and just going through the paces of a typical North American existence. I want more. I want to live a life where I don't have to feel constantly guilty of the things I consume that I know beyond a doubt have brought harm and misery to the people of this world and utter destruction to the land we all reside on and depend on. I want to experience the open ocean and see all the various beautiful cultures that are vanishing as I write this. I want to help bring about a new world system of production, distribution, and consumption that actually gives us all the implements that make our lives more comfortable and exciting and extend our creative and social and intellectual capabilities, all the while working in tandem with the earths natural systems, while respecting and enriching the lives of all those touched by such processes.
I've been immersed in my university and personal studies of capitalism, North American history, entrepreneurial and innovation historical studies, the history of technology, inequality, the world's drinkable water situation, Marxism, history of computers and the Internet, neoliberalism, the flexible restructuring of the labour force by the corporations, the ascent of the 1% (and the 0.1%, etc.), gentrification, financialization of today's TNCs, the housing/financial crisis, the history of the slums of the third world and the public housing of America, the industrial revolution, the formation of our ancient and modern food systems and societies, the evolution of the human being, the shifting modes of production and economic spaces, the history of the Western world's urbanization, and how some of the other countries outside of North America have handled their own versions of all this. Along with all my actual assigned studies I have spent nearly every waking hour contemplating it all and adding my own readings to it all. I deeply believe, with absolute certainty, that I now posses the knowledge of how the system can be made over into one in which truly great products can be produced that allow for all humans to realize their true potential and properly and fully establish their human capital while also t respecting all humans, animals, and the planet. I have been accumulating various written pieces and further research to be incorporated into a book that I believe will be kind of like a 21st century's version of Marx's book Capital (economic history). I've tried to talk to fellow students and professors but the former have always been too attached to the current system (as well as being too young and lacking the required reading and imagination to grasp it all) and too immersed in their own social lives, and the latter have been too specialized in their own fields to be able to see what it is I'm after as I have combined many different academic disciplines in formulating my theory (no offense to either group). I do not pretend that the great majority of my work is original, only my combining of it all as well as a few further evolutions in their theories.
So now I am at the point where I need money and time to write this book. I've just graduated and so I am off to Korea to teach English in a few months to further gather and process the rest of the readings as well as to build my nest egg with which I will attain lodgings deep within the mountains of the great north west of America (likely somewhere in the fabled Cascade mountain range I have read so much about in my beloved Kerouac books, of which I have journeyed though briefly, promising myself to return to as soon as I could arrange it). I figure I will need a year and a half in Korea to muster the necessary funds to last me for the 6 months I figure it will take me to write this book.
I know I will probably have to wait until I've actually published the book to seek out the partner in life I've so often dreamt about forming a life with. I guess I'm writing this in hopes that perhaps I won't have to wait until I've been published. Maybe, just maybe I will be lucky enough to find you, whoever and wherever you are, and you will somehow be able to join me (maybe only by correspondence at first, who knows) and perhaps you will even be able to help in the formation of this book. I know it's a total long shot, but I figured I had to give it a try. Maybe I haven't earned the right to know you yet, and perhaps this is just as well as maybe I still need to grow more to recognize you and be able to form a stronger union once we finally do meet. (and yes I realize this is all melodramatic as hell ;) Believe it or not, but I'm actually quite normal in person.
I've just left the train station and Moby's Porcelain has just come up on my playlist, and with it I am once again able to envision the waves rolling in onto the beaches of Bali, and I am finally starting to relax again. My God I can't wait to finally try surfing!
Damn, it just started raining and I'm only half way home, and of course my phone is about to die. Oh, and I've also just now felt the first pangs welling up from deep within me of what will likely be a large, and no doubt angry, bowel movement (tmi, I know, but I'm trying to stay true to this whole spontaneous writing experience) and I've still several blocks to travel on my bike ride home. But I've nowhere to be and no one waiting on me, and I see refuge in a building's overhang several feet from where I stand. As I take shelter from the rain I notice a street sign proclaiming this particular stretch of University Avenue to be Nelson Mandela Boulevard and it dawns on me that all of these aforementioned troubles of mine are, of course, first world problems and that I will be just fine, whether I find you now or in two years time.
Every word of what you've just read has been written without embellishment, and was also all written spontaneously, just as it happened. Mind-blowing, eh? Haha. I also do not keep a diary, so that was my only real attempt at such writing, sorry you had to be witness to such ramblings. My apologies also for wasting your time on my whining on and on about what is, without a doubt, a very privileged life I lead and am quite lucky to have been born into. Over and out.