Why are all the interesting, attractive/hot, nerdy, brilliant bi/lesbian girls NOT anywhere near me?


Or more specifically. Why are all the [insert positive adjectives I find alluring here] girls here all straight? Or bi/lesbian taken?


All the bi girls anywhere near me seem to be sluts, idiots or fat, or not single. I can tolerate none of these things. I suppose that's horrible and mean of me, but I tend to be a bit of a chauvinist when it comes to my taste and preferences in women, as my attraction to them is purely physical. I don't like women in general. However, I think the female body is beautiful. Maybe it's the artist in me, and I think every bi/lesbian/male out there can agree. Tits are awesome.


LOL. Not really looking for a girlfriend, but it just seems like if I wanted one, there really isn't anyone worthy my time within sane driving distance. Three hours is not sane, okay?


Oo, on that note. Why the hell am I awake?
-Clover.

Hello, hello, everyone. It's time for another Clover's Column. For introductions, read my profile.


Today I will be addressing those of you in the world of dating who are, frankly, dissatisfied, disillusioned and fed up with dating and love in general. I think it would be safe to assume that many, many of us have been in that place. You know, the place where every potential partner you might like turns out to be taken, a bitch or an asshole? Or maybe, the girl or boy of your dreams has turned around and broken your heart. Or just seriously pissed you off.



Yeah... we've all been there, and shit, it sucks. Breakups especially, which is largely what I'll be writing about since it seems to be the main reason people don't get back up on their feet and live their lives. Whether you've been with your ex-partner for a year or a month, it sucks in varying degrees of suck-i-tude. I have a few words for you.



After a breakup... don't give up.


This one is important. I promise you, it is. You're going to feel a whole mess of stuff during this time, and please, please believe me when I say this: pain is normal. Feeling pain, anger, outrage - all of that mess of emotion - it's normal. It's okay, and you should let yourself feel it. It hurts right now, but trust me, shoving it down and refusing to deal with it will result in crying spells or random bursts of rage that will be full of awkward and fail to explain to your friends later.


I recently went through a very painful breakup, and by recently, I mean seven months ago. Yeah. Seven months. I'm seeing another guy now, he's wonderful and I adore him with every bone in my body. But guess what? There are times when I still feel pangs of remorse and intense jealousy towards my ex-partner. This is normal. This will happen to you, and for god's sake, don't beat yourself up over it. If you really were in love with that person who chewed up your heart and spat it out, you will probably feel remainders of emotion for that person for some time to come. I know I am, even though I don't love my ex anymore. Um, hell no. You couldn't pay me to feel anything but annoyance towards him at this point.


That said. Remember that you, as a human being, have inherent value and worth.

Okay, okay, I know I sound like a Saturday Morning Special here, but this is important too. Just because some asshole decided you weren't worth his time DOES NOT MEAN you aren't worth anything! You are! You really are, and it might take you awhile to see this, but you have to know it, you have to understand it with your entire being and embrace it like there's no tomorrow. Here's why.


Being in love is awesome when it's working the way it's supposed to. Everything is a little easier knowing you have someone in your life who you can run to, who you can draw on for support no matter what. The trust between you and your partner is completely awesome, and it rocks, because you should be able to tell the person you're with everything that's on their mind. If you can't, examine your relationship and figure out why. Usually it's just fear of rejection in one form or another, and that is a huge thing in a lot of couples that needs to be worked through.


You must understand though, that you are complete and whole without another human being at your side. You must have your own hobbies, your own interests, even your own friends who don't... really associate with your partner. That's okay, that's completely fine. That means, if things go wrong, you have a world to go back to that will love you without having to pick sides. And look! There's this entire, huge world to explore, all kinds of people to meet. If you're unhappy, then find another place to be, find new people, it's scary, really it is, but sometimes it can be the best thing in the world to get out of town for a month or two after a breakup. Go somewhere you've never been before and breath in some new air, make new friends, explore places and go play in the mud like you're five again. Believe it or not, the time period after a breakup is a great time to reinvent yourself in the prospects of a new partner. I say this with caution though. Don't shape yourself how you think your old partner wanted you to be. None of that now, he or she is gone, and you're a new human being. There are all kinds of possibilities waiting for you, you just have to go find them.


Also, let me say this, just as an aside. If you can't tell your partner everything, if you don't trust them implicitly, and if you spend more time being unhappy and scared than you do happy and fearless, then you are with the wrong person, and it is time to let go. A relationship cannot be built on fear and mistrust. Have the strength and the courage to know that you will be happier and healthier without this person in your life. This actually goes for friends as well.


So. At any rate, that's all I've got to say on this at the moment. If you've got any questions, feel free to IM or PM me on OKcupid or AIM. :) Happy searching, and don't give up!



-Clover

Good morning to my two readers! It's about 4:25am, central time, I'm updating my PSP and thought I'd write a little mini-column about our dear friends, "the Nerdy Guys."

We've all known him in high school or in college. That super-nice but entirely un-date-able geek. He's pale, he drives a beater, he's probably either thin as a rail or a bit on the chunky side. He's got self-esteem issues and is probably afraid of even speaking to a female.

He's like your brother and you guys are totally close. Sure, he's a little socially oblivious and spends too much time playing video games in your humble opinion, but he's awesome and always there for you.

Unfortunately, "omg, you're like my brother" is the last thing he wants to hear. In fact, he's probably been waiting for that one, desperate chance to tell you that you're beautiful and you're the only one for him.

If he ever does manage to get up the nards, things get super-awkward from there, right? ... yeah, we've all been there.

However! Most girls are not aware that the "Nerdy Guy" can turn out to be an affectionate, intelligent mate who will readily stand at your side - you won't have to worry about him eying other girls, he'll be too busy oogling the graphics on the PS3 and stroking Crisis Core for the PSP to notice that stereotypically pretty girl and her B-cup, push-up-bra cleavage.

There's an article on Craigslist that goes into far more detail than this, and all of my female readers (ha) should read it. :)

However! Today, I address the male population that is nerdy.

Advice for those of you who are still the provincial "Nerdy Guy":

In my own personal experience, you all are awesome. You really are. You're intelligent. You know just about everything about making electronics talk to each other peaceably. Your witty t-shirts amuse countless people caught up in their droll, boring days. You usually have a quick sense of humor, a collection of horrible jokes and collections of really strange things - books to anime figurines to stamps. Your hobbies are as eccentric and as quirky as you are.

You've got some tragic failures though. I will address a few, and how to fix them, or at least some steps to realizing your true feminine-attracting potential.

1.) Self confidence. You'll never believe you're good enough for a beautiful, intelligent, like-minded girl to be in your life as your girlfriend.

Here's the secret. You are.

Yes, you. You with the WoW account with six seventies and the overclocked CPU. You, who have beaten Nethack over a hundred times. You, who have every single Pokemon captured and catalogued on every single Pokemon game.

Put down the controller and no one will get hurt - not even you.

Venturing into the world of female dating is difficult and frightening. We're an intimidating lot, girls! Mercurial, temperamental, hormonal, sometimes demanding and sometimes batty. I can understand how terrifying that must be to look in the face. You don't want to be alone, but you're desperately afraid of rejection.

Realize, though. You're smarter than most of the guys out there. You can do things that no one else knows how to do. You get things faster than most people, you're usually great listeners and excellent partners.

Your problem is your target audience!

Yes! Indeed! You will likely never score the hot blonde in your English class. She is not above you! Oh no, don't make that mistake. She's simply not worth it! Really, I promise.

Someone who is that obsessed with their looks, and that self-centered is not worth your time. She's too stupid to realize those 500 dollar jeans were made by starving children in China. She's also too stupid to realize what a great partner you'd be for her. Don't bother. She's a bitch anyway.

Look for the quiet ones. Look for the one with the book covering her face. You'll like them better, and chances are, they'll find you charming instead of weird. They'll appreciate your quirks and - here's the best part. They'll appreciate your interest, because most of the time, that nerdy but pretty girl in your class is really, honestly convinced that no one will ever look twice at her. (Just like you.)

See the flash video, "Geeks In Love" for more information. :)

Funny that. :)


2.) When you do get a girlfriend, you lot tend to be obsessive and clingy. We nerdy-girls like our space.

... Please, please read this like five times. Repeat it to yourself at night as you would a mantra or the route for that secret level in Super Mario World. Read mark, and inwardly digest this information.

Do not call your newly-found object of affection more than once every two days unless she asks you to. Give her time to herself. Give her days out with her friends where you don't call her!

When said girl is around, be affection, be loving, be all of those wonderful, caring things you nerdy lot are. It's awesome and we like it.

Just have your own life, please, even if it is leveling your eight seventy on WoW and working. Healthy relationships are the only way to go, and smothering your girl will only make her edgy, annoyed and claustrophobic. Not happy. :\

3.) Taking you out in public can be difficult.

While you know everything about Doctor Who and the technical schematics of every ship in Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica AND Star Wars, most people will not care. Sorry. :(

Please, please don't ramble about these things at social gatherings. It screams that you have no life and are entirely unadjusted to social interaction. Which you are, but practice does make better.

I know it's hard. Trust me, I know. I've got most of the Doctor Who trivia tucked up my sleeve, for Chrissakes, I PLAY the Tenth Doctor on a Livejournal RPG. It doesn't get much nerdier than that.

However, if you don't have anything to contribute to the conversation at hand, being quiet will often just make people assume you are either shy or easily distracted... or a snob, but those lot can go spend a penny off a tall cliff.

If your girl is the outgoing one, let her shine, laugh appreciatively (quietly) at her jokes and make sure you defend her (graciously) against any of those arses who are too oblivious to see what a gem you've found.

--

That's all for this evening's post! I'm fairly tired, it's approaching five at this point, and my PSP is done uploading! Hope my advice has been pointed, but helpful! Any questions will be addressed seriously and with careful consideration. Any requests at for a date will be mercilessly mocked on an open forum.

Happy searching!
-Clover

Hi there! I'm clover_pocky! If you read my profile, you'll find out more about me, but if you don't feel like wading through all of that, I'm 20 year old illustration major! My hobbies are knitting and writing. I'm in love with a great young man and I'm a pretty crazy alien girl as far as things go! Alright! Enough with introductions!

Today, or rather, this early-god-awful-time in the morning, I'm going to write about a few things that bother me about the male species on dating websites and in general. Consider this little journal a kernel of wisdom from a girl in the know.

As a disclaimer, understand I'm weird as shit and this won't apply for every single girl in the world.

1.) Please, oh please, do not be emo.

That doesn't mean be an asshole, either. I mean that.

I know, guys, that most of you are ridden with loneliness, especially if you're on a dating website. You came here with the hope of finding someone really special, or at least different from the masses of boring or... frankly, frightening girls out there. We're a mixed bag, females!

You know what though? That's okay. It's a normal, very human reaction to solitude to be lonely. Just know that if you're on a dating website, and you've got a fairly well-written profile, that all of that information simply screams, "I'm lonely and a little desperate!"

That's okay, too. You're on a dating website. It's to be expected.

What's not okay is to whine about it in long journal entries. Stating that you're, "simply looking for anyone" in your profile is a bad idea. Stating your looking for a "one true love" is romantic, but frightening and a little stalker-ish. It doesn't make you look sensitive, it makes you look like a psychopath and a possible serial killer.

Bottom line?: Girls are attracted to confidence! We like a man that is sure in himself. A man that has control over his life, a man that understands that while he is alone now, he will not always be as such. We like that. That says "successful" and "has better things to do with his life than complain and play World of Warcraft in his underwear while mourning his lack of female-companionship."

2.) Pictures of yourself posing shirtless in your bathroom mirror are icky. Even if you have awesome abs and great biceps. Just... ew, okay?

Oooo-kay Fabio. Reign in the exposure there. Yes, we understand you're attractive, but the majority of girls just want to see your face.

If we're genuinely interested in you and arrange more than three dates or so, you'll eventually get to show them that sexy six-pack you keep subtly hidden underneath your slightly form-fitting t-shirts. Keep it a mystery until we're dying to know what's under there!

Bottom line?: Putting those sorts of photos up on your profile says you've probably got an ego the size of Alaska, and that, my male friends, is an instant turn off. Be alluring, but be subtle about it!

3.) I shouldn't have to say this, but be... tasteful... with your username.

Bottom line: Does this need explaining? I mean... good god, some of the usernames, some of the PROFILES behind those usernames are scary! BDSM may be kinky, but writing about it isn't! ... and if you've got a furry-fetish, please, please don't mention it ever.

4.) Manners! When messaging a girl for the first time, or at any time use correct punctuation and correct spelling. Don't ask for her phone number the first time you speak, and don't ask to meet within the first week of speaking to her through instant messengering.

Okay, guys. I've personally gotten a few of you. Girls are typically kind of wary about this entire "internet dating" thing. While you may know that you're charming and intelligent - or at least charming, and certainly not a pedophile, a fifty year old man wearing spandex or a serial killer, that girl doesn't. She's practically expecting that you are.

Bottom line?: Keep the conversation polite. Keep it somewhat impersonal at first. It might be a good idea to keep a base list of questions to ask - you know, favourite color, sports team (if you're into that sort of thing) movies, things that irk you about humanity and cubicle life. Don't talk about yourself too much. As you get to know your new interest, you can ask her gradually more personal things as she discloses them to you. Don't push for a meeting and don't push for more information than she seems ready to give.

5.) Honesty is always, always the best policy.

This goes for anything. Internet dating, real-life-relationships, friendships, work situations... Anything. It may be harder to tell the unpleasant truth, but then you'll never have to worry about the six different versions of yourself and that specific instance you don't ... really want to talk about. Tell the truth. This, again, doesn't give you free reign to be a blunt asshole who treats others like crap.

Bottom Line: Honesty can hurt, but sometimes it'll save your unfortunate masculine rear-end. Real men are honest, real men tell the truth - even when it's hard. A woman will have more respect for you if you (gently) explain to her what your true feelings on a subject are, rather than grunting and shrugging - or avoiding the subject all together.

Relationships of any kind can be saved by approaching an unpleasant situation with kindness, an open mind and above all, forthwith explanation of how you -honestly- feel about the matter. You don't have to cry and you don't have to be eloquent. Simply state what you've seen going wrong and strive to reach mutual agreement. Talking about the person behind their back and engaging in passive-aggressive behavior is extremely immature and shows a weakness in character.

-

Well! That's all for today, I hope you've gotten some use out of this little blurb! If you want to ask me a question, feel free to private-message me! All requests for a date will be laughed at, but all genuine questions regarding relationships and advice will be carefully read, considered and pondered over. I may not get back to you immediately, but I promise I'll try to get back to everyone who responds with a public column post. And of course, names will be changed for privacy!

Thanks much, and happy searching!

-Clover