I’m an ***hole. I won’t open doors for you, in fact be careful as I will likely trip you as you go through the door for laughs and giggles. I expect you to cook for me and clean up my mess after I eat. And by the way, I’m a really messy eater. Food everywhere, on the floor, in my lap, but these are the least of your worries.

I leave my socks on the floor in the bedroom, and yes they stink. I will not do laundry, and insist that you do it. Not just insist, you must LOVE to do my laundry and look forward to it. Look forward to it like you look forward to water in the desert. Look forward to it like you look forward to seeing your family after years of separation. I think you get the picture.

Also I don’t do romance, I expect action on the first date, big time action, and I won’t sleep over (yes this will be at your place because I don’t want you to know where I live).

OkCupid says that I should also talk about these four points so as I don’t waste my time and be successful here, so let me address each one:

1. Talk about your hobbies. – kicking puppies
2. Talk about your goals/aspirations – finding a rich woman to take care of me
3. Talk about yourself and what makes you unique – I’m not unique in the least bit
4. Your taste in music – The Cranberries, Enya, Mazzy Star, ****cat Dolls, Indigo Girls

OK girls, waiting for your emails…go