I am not transgender. or transexual. just over think everything, that when I go and over think everything, it just snowballs into a haze of confusion. All those sterotypes and buttery gender roles and everything.
so I will just have this fun list that I might rehash. I should write what I want to, but I read it is the best thing to do for love is date everyone, give every guy a chance, have sex with people you have no attraction to. and not just go "I like the guy who looks like _________ and I want him to do all the dopy things I do too"
so I can't go "oh no smelly drinking tobacoo loving lunk heads who will make me feel like a moron for geeking out on things" because that is how love works. you should always be with someone you would never go with normaly. "hey girl that's why you are always single because you want _______s only'
so I guess no lying "i am an artist and human art is what is into my mind" to say "I am a shallow twaddle", as well as "my purrrfect mate date is going to watch some anime or Doctor Who and eat sushi with me while we cuddle with our 30 kitties"(30 is a bit excessive) while he resects and loves me for being even moody and maybe taking 8 life times worth to want to make out"
yes there is something important I should get out. I can't say I am fully asexual or terrorfied of sex, maybe it is that and being shallow. Knowing i have to sleep with men I don't find attractive fills me with a dread. it's a crapsack thing to do really. take 3 years of bonding to want to sleep with someone. or wonder why you are in tears trying to fantasize about the people who say "hey wanna f--- here is my number, I'd love to tie you up and make you scream". Its going to be hard to get over that. wow. it makes me sound like a desperate princess who needs to be saved, and this is something to talk about on a "well ok, I guess I should have a 5th date to see when I will feel anything. and then I guess I should, on the 10th". I guess I wasn't exposed to enough sexuality as a kid, or go to masturbation parties at 14 years old, or what ever the slutmongers do these days(boy do I feel better now)
I don't belong to anything. I'm even a lowsy fan of things, not even a propper furry. I'l watch the cartoons, and draw animal people. maybe one day get a costume. Honesty to suceede in being a people I try to kill these things. this is to self loathing for a dating site huh? "I'm just a fun loving gal who likes to party and sky and go clubbing, and shopping with my pals and i like upside down sex and wanting to adopt all the babies that nobody wanted". that sounds like a propper woman, rahter than being confused or "i don't know, sometimes I draw stuff. I like cartoons. maybe I'd go to a nerdy convention, but i'm killing that part of me, so i can't feel anything, the love the seriousness".
i realize these tl;dr s are off putting? but that's ok I guess. But it sets me up for jerks wanting to save me. I can't go though a social experiment properly without making moves. maybe it is inspiring if I wrote movies. I don't know how to. maybe I should just get some people to do that with. live out fantasies that way. "how to fall in love with someone you feel nothing for that makes you feel dread and ride them in 30 days". I think that would be an Excellency movie. cast your pretty skinny blond bombshell girl, her best bud tells her to date some fat, ugly, dude who is water to oil. bingobango. we got ourself an Oscar!(much better than the highschool romcom with the cavegirl and the time travling boy)
so what is there? I would love to say a creative, silly but not to silly playful guy would be nice. but i should also take sex crazed boring lugs who are all about the sports, I can leave him on the couch and play videogames. get back into them with the love I had, and not feel stupid to love them, as some love reading classic lit. It's not like I'm a good gamer either. I can't say "woohoo gamer gal here! by the way I only do games that remind me of Zelda, and RPGs. eww first person shooters and sports games, and mmorpgs are crack". I should hang my head in shame.
what else is there? I keep saying "im so weird", my peoples don't think so. but for someone to be thinking and saying "if i had a tail it would wag" or just be kooky makes me think something is not right. if I were a cartoon or fiction character it would be perfect, acceptable. but not for someone of my age. so I am a bit lost in there too.
the party, life infuriates me. because I don't do it. I can't empathize or sympathies, realize and exersize. I want to punch it in the face untill it dies. because I cannot be it, feel it, live it. I want nothing of it and it has gotten me to see it as so lowbrow and crass, for stupid people. Unless I was it. but I can't even try and pretend. I can just see myself being upset with not feeling the moment with joy and excitement. getting over stimulated and crying. I can't even pretend. so don't expect me to do that. or just don't bother if you want to live that way untill it kills you. even if dosen't involve drugs. Even not the night club thing, just being a loud annoying drunk at home upsets me. I don't think I can love someone who is into that.
I have no intrest in being a mommy, not having my own babies, not adopting someone's 14 year old kids and playing mentor to them, consoling sobbing teens on how to get her crush to like her. it would be a miricle even for me to get a guy, and if it was nessesary to change parts of me, I will have to be honest and tell her "you need to change parts of yourself, love is about sacrifice, being your self only works in stories" as of now, I don't care about crying kids and their relationship problems. I find it funny when they act like "I am 12 and i can't get my lovie, i know how people who's 20 year marriage is falling apart feel".
ok. tis makes me look like a bad bad dark person. But villains are hot. so I have something.
am I funny? am I witty? humor? possibly. smart and creative? well they tell me. I have to believe it. but if I'm not having the ambition and living off it, I don't feel it. I don't see it. everyone is their own worst enemy. will getting the guy I want, and not the one I need to learn to like show me?
will I have to be famous first? I can't even be an internet celebrity. That might be fun.