i'm guessing i should be the lovelorn hen that takes anything, and not be picky with "playful, pretty, slender, geeky artists" never had a zone, must have none. i hate the world for this. why does it have to be so hard?
people say "just be yourself" but if you are way outside the box of the norm, it feels like the worst idea. even if "you" are not shallow, psychotic and vindictive. everyone wants the familurity. they want people that seem like they are scripted from TV shows.
and not a weirdo that is the type school children pick on
uh, how do I put down a huge chunk of text to be, as they say, "the sex". without going to personal and make myself sound like I am as mature and ready as a dog fetus.
1) not a mega pevert or lifestyle. I guess I consider myself a "closet furry". if ______'s don't like being seen as _______s. rest assured "we furries" are not all what MTV and the CSI episode made them out to be. I'm in it for the fantasy and animal people. furry is a deal breaker for normal people I guess. just like how lunkhead jocks might not want a scifi geek girl.
2) slowly the rules of society are getting to me and I am succumbing to the angst of "why aren't I like them?" not that I do anything about it. some things I could work at, like not living like being mature and self reliant and have rivers of raging self esteem bustling though me.
and maybe being that sultry vixen and not "i am lonely i need love, don't touch me, ah relationships and sexuality are flustering me"
3) I don't watch as much TV as I think I do. I'll watch a nature show, then a "dopey cartoon", something else educational, a sit com or so.
4) I make things but have a hard time being loyal to a project. I'll try sewing a plush animal then give up and try a new one, or go back to digital art, or painting a rock to look like an otter.
5) I think I'm have some social phobias, and lots of things aggravate me. It's hard to accept, I hate it, but if I embrace it, the/my world is for the better. even if they come out to be self harming lifestyles such as "let's go to the club and get drunk, put our name on the wall and go home with strange men who praise me". A lowbrow life is a normal life. I can't be surrounded by that unless they were kin. then again I'm to stupid and crass to hobnob with the classy intellectuals.
6) this is a desperation move. if i cry about being lonely, people help by "join a dating site". what they don't know is it feels more like the site "finds you love". stupid site hooks you up with illerates. "hey look a guy with 5 children who wants 10 more, who smokes and drinks all the time loves me. woohoo"
7)I am told I can be funny. jokes are fun, quips are fun. telling inappropriate jokes in the wrong places. sounds fun?
8) I don't know how to be normal. look, I'm putting myself down. I hear it's "not sexy" but I know guys like making females feel better. they get to play hero. and it's good to see who has to change for who. don't worry I hate myself for my stuffed animals and wanting action figures of my favorite characters, rather playing games than go clubbing
9) hypochondria is fun. there has got to of been a reason I wasn't "a normal teen" till later. or perhaps today's youths are oversexed. why can't the girls collect cards like I did?? now maybe I should collect cute guys. I'll keep them in plastic. can't open the box. will rin the collector value
10) as an artist, I appreciate human aesthetics. unless they are females prettier than me. and if they are guys prettier than me, then I'm going to cry
11) I have no feelings of being a mother figure. children and babies put part of my defenses into high alert. I don't find babies cute, and I don't want to nurture the humans. your normal little girl wants to be "a mommy" more than I do. maybe I'm less female or adult than they are. I don't think this can be changed.
12) I hate spelling. not good at it. but when communicating in text, it is the true sign of intelligence.
13) I think I have a thing for hair. pretty hair, long hair, "exciting hair"
14) I am not that exciting. no chain saw juggling while car surfing, kind of thing.
15) those dopey little geeky things are to important to me. the games, animation, extras on dvds, making of things. having figures or plush dolls of my favorite characters. maybe they keep me sane? but I just feel like I should be better off without them, to be the kind of people who laugh at those who do, and not tease my potential mate with doing something stupid like tease him with one (you know, go kissy kissy with the doll and tell him he needs to fake win me over) I was born a nerd-geek-dork thing. but wish I were the party gal, social butterfly who stumbles in drunk and not be "oh lets stay in and geek out"
16) Straight edge people use caffine and cuss words right? I don't know. maybe I am straight edge. but not very kind accepting type. I need to stop rolling the eyes and get with a program.
17) don't be to upset if I don't find you attractive enough to want to be in that kind of relationship. you just find someone better. I can't easly see myself getting that way with many people. and forcing myself to just results in a panic attack. will be very hard for me to find someone beautiful/cute enough to cure my phobias. sorry. just being true to myself. Men like when women are true to them self and don't lie.
18) i'm half shy with these things, who knows I might be almost asexual. let's just pretend I have a tragic back story of abuse and bad relationships and experiences to be an excuse on how I am "not normal", and full of oohlala and vava voom, make out parties and "oh baby I need you inside me right now", and all of that. let's stick to that. you know , a dumb woman who kept going after the bad boys and got burnt for it because she was stupid and trusting, and "i don't really like to be touched much and have intimacy issues because I was beaten and raped from 3 years to 13". Nah. it's something you don't joke about. but I'm not joking. it's a better backstory than just what ever I have going. maybe someone I find attractive (which happens rarely) can help me, and also take me to sexy camp to be cured.
19) i don't really know what i am looking for, maybe then, those kinds who do the things I am into, the geeky thing or the games, or won't care of emotional problems if I ever have them. I could go and say things to here like "omg mr man, maybe you can also play agent so If I ever need anything published I don't have to fight tooth and nail". Like a fairy tale dream of the bombshell who dates the guy that gets her all the modleing gigs.
there are things in a man that are un realstic to look for, such as "not being super religious with his non obcessment with getting sex all the time" i realize some men will die without sex. and I don't know how to deal with it.