Pinch yourself. Do you feel that? This is what dreams are made of and no matter what happens, don't forget to breathe.
I know what you're thinking at this point: "This is too good to be true." or "Did I die and go to heaven? Because I'm in the presence of an angel and I'm not even sure I deserve to be reading his profile." Let me assure you, this is only the beginning and, well, you probably don't deserve to be reading this but tonight I'm feeling generous.
Or, maybe you're thinking something like: "What makes this guy so much greater than the rest of the machismo-Latin/Italian-tanned-musclehead-footstools that I constantly look for on this site, go out with, and then get cheated on or get physically abused by in the presence of my child?"
Let me tell you what makes me so much greater... For starters, I graduated high school, I understand how public transportation works, and I've been clean for just over a week. But let's not stop there, because when you go out on a date with me, I’m going to take you on an all-expenses paid, commitment-optional evening at one of the finest dining establishments that south Florida has to offer (e.g., Wendy's, McDonald's, Skyline Chili or... dare I say it... Olive Garden)?
Hold the tomato and double the mustard! Enjoy your cup of water because there are no refills during this date.
In fact, let's not even call it a "date" because "dating" is wayyyyy too pedestrian for me and I’m not sure the amount of awesomeness that our evening will consist of can accurately and reasonably be classified as a measly “date.”
Let's be honest here: some have hailed me as "...the greatest thing that has ever happened to [their] life." Others have agreed that "...no one even comes close as a runner up." In the game I'm playing, there is no second place.
Remember when I told you I was feeling generous? Well, here's your first free pointer: Make sure you’re on time. I wait for no one. In fact, you’d better just camp outside of my trailer the night before because you don’t want to take any chances that might make you miss your opportunity with me. You can take that to the bank.
Next free pointer: When I let you pick me up, bring a pen and a pad and get HarperCollins on the the line because while we indulge in exotic drive-thru, I'm going to enthrall you with the novella that is my life.
After I'm done mesmerizing you with why my life story, which is likely to become a newfound religion, there will be no need to tell me your own. In fact, you’ll realize that nothing else matters and everything you've learned about the world will have changed.
Final free pointer: Also, and I’m only going to tell you this once: you may want to bring a reliable camera, because not one of your two-and-a-half friends or six children are going to believe that you and I went out.
Now, I should stop here because I've already given you too much, but there's more...
As for the second part of the evening… If all goes well, we'll do something a little pricey like, say, go to the beach. And, while I allow the moon's rays to relax my ego, I'll probably let you sit by me and fan me down like the Roman god that I've often been mistaken for.
Bring your spacesuit, because we're going to the moon!
Stop. Watch what you're doing with that mouse. You don't want to hit anything that might make you lose this profile because if you navigate away from here, you might just want to quit your job, sell your children, and move to India.
In fact, if you've got children, sell 'em. I ain't no one else's baby-daddy.
No reasonable person would say "no" to me and you're a reasonable person, right? So, breathe slowly, take an extra minute or two and prepare yourself to message me. Be careful though, you've only got one chance to make a first impression and this is likely the most important decision of your life.
Now that I have your attention...
"I never wanted to be part of a club that would have someone like me as a member." - Woody Allen via Groucho Marx
That's typically how I feel about this weird mess that we all have been thrown into without any meaningful choice.
I am infectiously free-spirited and perhaps that's my only attempt to understand why we're here, what I want, and how I'm going to get there.
Friendship is critical to me. I like to make others feel important and help guide when I can.